Author Topic: turning This Child Will, my book to screenplay Adult content/strong language  (Read 4372 times)

jwatson300011

  • Guest
I am sorry that I added this post. Mainly because of this confusing response to the dialogue. I should have realized before hand that this is a subject to sensitive for this particular forum.




« Last Edit: March 11, 2014, 09:03:02 PM by jwatson300011 »

Offline nigelw

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 257
    • Nigel Williams
Re: turning This Child Will, my book to screenplay
« Reply #1 on: March 11, 2014, 10:09:08 AM »
I think the text at the start needs to be more concise. Difficult to read in film format, and some won't be able to. Just a thought.

jwatson300011

  • Guest
Re: turning This Child Will, my book to screenplay
« Reply #2 on: March 11, 2014, 04:57:15 PM »
I know This Child Will involves two touchy subjects, American slavery and racism, and I don't think this is a site where they don't talk about it. But could you check it out again for me objectively. I made the changes suggested.

hillwalker3000

  • Guest
Your 123-word preamble killed this for me. It's a complete mess.

Thaddeus, living in the present, but having to deal with racism at work from other employees, is talking to a hostile spirit, March, a runaway slave in his past life, Whose past life? that is trying to enter back into his life. Same question - whose life?

During the encounter between Thaddeus and March, Maggie, a pacifist spirit No idea what this term means, also a slave in her past life, enters the picture to turn things in her direction. Again - means nothing.

March sees that Thaddeus has opted for Maggie, that is when March changes course. You have to write more clearly than this if you expect anyone to understand what's going on.

He goes to the bedroom of a yet to be born clairvoyant child March and Maggie are battling over. Am I missing something? This sounds plain stupid. He instills in her Who? Maggie or the unborn child? a vision of Nat Turner's victim during March's lifetime being a disciples of his. Who is Nat Turner and where did he appear from?   


This ^^^ has to be the most confusing introduction I have ever read to a story.

I thought I'd give your screenplay the benefit of the doubt anyway
- but then you begin with someone typing out a 64-word text.
Then he meditates.

Are you serious? Are we supposed to sit and watch while he does this on-screen?

I'm not sure where you're going with this but I didn't find any of it believable.
The business about special connections - presumably his workmates are curious why he's allowed to disappear off the job and spend time making a text call then to 'meditate'. They're not allowed to behave this way. Are we meant to condone Thaddeus's behaviour?

The racist comments that follow didn't seem logical so I'm seeing it as rather lazy stereotyping. They don't like him shirking - so they must be racist.

I have to admit I skimmed the rest. Overall it's a bit of a muddle.

THADDEUS
Thank you, loving spirit, for saving my life. Oh, the love you have instilled has renewed me in ways I could have never imagined. I beg you, never leave me, Maggie. Never leave me.


This makes him sound like he's transformed into a TV evangelist.

Overall I feel you have a major task ahead of you - not least to come up with a plot and a set of characters that make sense.

H3K

jwatson300011

  • Guest
Thanks for your honesty. Really. I forgot there are people from outside the US on this site. Nat Turner was a rebel slave here in this country, when slavery was legal. We know him. And actually I may have done the reader a disservice by posting the sixth scene of the first act. I will look at it again and especially the introduction.

As far as the word pacifist, that is our word for someone opposed to war or violence of any kind. May not be in the Scottish vocabulary.

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

  • http://www.writestreet.com/writestree
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 31219
  • Hello from Texas
    • Alice's Hide Away
Re: turning This Child Will, my book to screenplay
« Reply #5 on: March 11, 2014, 07:41:42 PM »
I know This Child Will involves two touchy subjects, American slavery and racism, and I don't think this is a site where they don't talk about it. But could you check it out again for me objectively. I made the changes suggested.


Here's what the guidelines say in case you've forgotten:
Quote
8. Adult content. Please remember that although this is a site for adults, it is possible for children of any age to stumble upon it. Please ensure you put 'Adult Content' or some other appropriate warning in the title of your post. We do not prohibit work that explores adult themes, but the moderators may edit or delete any work that does not appear suitable for our readership without further reference to the poster. In particular, we would point out that there are other forums that may be better suited to work clearly designed for an adult readership, e.g. www.literotica.com.

So, if the subject are needed for the story and handled with care . . . and you add an Adult Warning to the subject line. I think you'll be okay.

But to be sure, I've asked the rest of the moderators to weigh in on this. I'll let you know by PM once a decision has been made.
MWC Charity Publications.
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight>
The universe is made of stories, not of atoms. -Muriel Rukeyser, poet and activist (15 Dec 1913-1980)

R. L. Copple's: http://www.rlcopple.com/

I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.
-Mohandas K. Gandhi

hillwalker3000

  • Guest
As far as the word pacifist, that is our word for someone opposed to war or violence of any kind. May not be in the Scottish vocabulary.

I understood the term 'pacifist' - but not 'pacifist spirit'. Is there some kind of war or conflict taking place between these spirits? The context is not clear the way you present it here.

H3K