Author Topic: Re: Hello from the north, review from Jenny TOPIC MOVED  (Read 4509 times)

Lin

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Re: Hello from the north, review from Jenny TOPIC MOVED
« on: February 13, 2006, 01:15:38 PM »
iVE MOVED THIS TOPIC TO ITS CORRECT PLACE - - ENJOY,  LIN
« Reply #5 on: Today at 12:48:24 AM »     

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lin

Find below my first para - you can be brutal, I have the skin of a rhino!! & remember I'm a virgin to all this..


I have been told by my father that I was conceived after a night out at the local catholic club where my blind uncle was the DJ. I can imagine uncle Dave swaying his head to whatever they listened to in 1973, my parents smooching on the dance floor, yak!!! Years later I would go on to enjoy many a function at Our lady’s catholic club including uncle Dave’s wedding – he married a dwarf . After consuming pints of gin & tonics My father reckons my mother got a bit too hot to handle & he made the biggest mistake ever & got her up the duff with me!!  It all began on a foggy November evening, the 26th to be precise. I entered this world in a way that it would continue, blind panic. I was to be the second child for my parents & a sister to my devil horned bother, Jamie, who was only 18 months old at the time. You do the maths..
I had decided that I wanted to cause them has much inconvenience as I could. Due to the fog the midwife couldn’t locate the terraced back street where my parents lived & my Dad had to overlook Coronation Street to help my poor mother cut the cord with the bacon scissors. I still have an absurd belly button & my father is still crap at DIY.       


Kind regards

Jenny 

Offline Symphony

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Re: Re: Hello from the north, review from Jenny TOPIC MOVED
« Reply #1 on: February 13, 2006, 05:59:19 PM »
Hello Jenny,

Brutal? We're never brutal here. But honest, yes. Otherwise, what's the point, right? You'll get honesty from me, although how much sense you can make of it is another story altogether. When I'm commenting, I do a lot of it on impulse - I say what strikes me on first reading, so a lot of it could be completely wrong, feel free to disagree with any or all of it. So here goes ...

Loved the first sentence but it struck me as a little long. It was so punchy, I wondered if it would be even punchier if you split it - maybe something like '... after a night out at a local catholic club with a blind DJ. The DJ was my Uncle Dave ...' etc. etc. I don't know - just a suggestion to be worked on.

Quote
Years later I would go on to enjoy many a function at
I was bothered by the change of tense here but this could be purely personal preference. I felt that for this to be 'I would go on ...', the first sentence should have read 'I was told by my father' ... I could be wrong - it just read strangely (but I'm a bit strange anyway!!)  ;D

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including uncle Dave’s wedding – he married a dwarf
Laughed out loud at this - lovely, but I thought that a full stop instead of the dash would make it even more effective

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&
:o  a habit to be kicked lol - no, seriously - it's quite irritating to read and an easy habit to get into - better to write 'and' before you send something off to the publishers without remembering to change it!!

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my Dad had to overlook Coronation Street
'overlook' seems like a strange verb to put here - why not just 'miss'?

Quote
I still have an absurd belly button & my father is still crap at DIY.


Great start, Jenny. Look forward to reading more. If you can keep up this pace and humour, it'll be well worth the read.

Symphony   ;D

Lin

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Re: Re: Hello from the north, review from Jenny TOPIC MOVED
« Reply #2 on: February 14, 2006, 05:55:02 AM »
Hi Symphony.

Ive gone over Jenny's text with her and we have improved it together, hopefully when she is ready she will post an improved version, I dont know yet, but your comments are the same as mine so we are working on the same wavelength!!

Lin

Offline Jenny

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Re: Re: Hello from the north, review from Jenny TOPIC MOVED
« Reply #3 on: February 14, 2006, 08:49:06 AM »
Hi Symphony and Lin

I'm working on improving my version which will included all your helpful suggestions. Nearly completed the first chapter!!

I was never that hot on grammar at school but I'll keep going. I'm finding it frustrating though because I know I have a good story to tell.

Do you have any suggestion on improving grammar - I like to write from the heart but I guess I need some kinda guidance. 

Thanks

Jenny 

Offline gub2000

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Re: Re: Hello from the north, review from Jenny TOPIC MOVED
« Reply #4 on: February 14, 2006, 09:11:57 AM »

Jenny, as far as grammar goes, everyone on this site keeps suggesting Strunk & White's 'The Elements of Style'. This appears to be the gold standard. I haven't read it myself yet. But as a fellow newbie, I thought I'd pass on what many of the writers here are suggesting. You may have not had a chance to read though a lot of the posts yet.

Now for my 2 cents (or 2 pence for those of you in the UK) on '&' (and other short hand symbols like @) If you've taken Nick's course, you know he makes the case for "write as you speak". So I'm going to be devil's advocate and suggest in today's world or instant messaging and email, using shortcuts like '&' is an extension of writing as you speak.

Maybe it's just me. I work in IT so I'm speaking in symbols all day. When I get a support call at home after hours, my wife claims I'm speaking a cryptic foreign language.

gub2000
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Offline Jenny

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Re: Re: Hello from the north, review from Jenny TOPIC MOVED
« Reply #5 on: February 14, 2006, 09:45:45 AM »
Cheers for that. I've just ordered it from Amazon - will let you know how I get on with it..

Your wife's not alone - I find most men speak in a criptic foreign language!! Ha ha

Jenny

Offline Foxy

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Re: Re: Hello from the north, review from Jenny TOPIC MOVED
« Reply #6 on: February 14, 2006, 10:02:04 AM »
While you are waiting for Amazon to deliver, a good website for all your grammar questions can be found at:
http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/ This is the site that Nick recommends, it is an invaluable resource.

Gub, I can't say that I agree with you on using & in a piece of writing. I would think that most agents and publisher's editors would stop reading the manuscript at the first one. I do agree with you on writing as you speak, especially in a piece like Jenny's but I'm willing to bet she doesn't say things like, "I was walking down the street yesterday ampersand I met my best friend ampersand she said..." LOL Just kidding  ;D
« Last Edit: February 14, 2006, 10:49:07 AM by Foxy »
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Offline Symphony

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Re: Re: Hello from the north, review from Jenny TOPIC MOVED
« Reply #7 on: February 14, 2006, 10:45:00 AM »
Hi Jenny,

There are loads of complex grammar sites and books and it's hard to know which are the best, so I'd go with suggestions from here - from people who've tried them out.

I'd also absolutely suggest 'Eat Shoots and Leaves' for anybody's bookshelf - a hilarious read and many major points of grammar made very easy through entertaining examples and simple explanation

Wouldn't worry about it too much, Jenny - your grammar's not bad at all   :D

Symphony

Offline gub2000

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Re: Re: Hello from the north, review from Jenny TOPIC MOVED
« Reply #8 on: February 14, 2006, 10:46:30 AM »

I agree most agents would send a piece of work salted with &'s to the circular file. But there are ways to inject it where it might work. For instance, the character could be text messaging someone. Or it could be diary entry written by a character.

I'm just tyring to think of ways to bend the rules.

g2k
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Offline Symphony

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Re: Re: Hello from the north, review from Jenny TOPIC MOVED
« Reply #9 on: February 14, 2006, 10:49:26 AM »
So I'm going to be devil's advocate and suggest in today's world or instant messaging and email, using shortcuts like '&' is an extension of writing as you speak.

Maybe it's just me. I work in IT so I'm speaking in symbols all day. When I get a support call at home after hours, my wife claims I'm speaking a cryptic foreign language.

gub2000


Yep! And if a publisher sees an inkling of textspeak (e.g. &) in the midst of what's supposed to be English, your draft won't be read past the first sentence! Isn't part of the responsibility of writers to keep the English language alive - instead of adding to its desecration by those who can't speak it?   :o  Personally, I hv n intrst n readg gr8 novls n txt spk

Offline Symphony

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Re: Re: Hello from the north, review from Jenny TOPIC MOVED
« Reply #10 on: February 14, 2006, 10:51:10 AM »


You beat me to it, gub2000   ;D

Offline pete_dog

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Re: Re: Hello from the north, review from Jenny TOPIC MOVED
« Reply #11 on: February 14, 2006, 12:42:11 PM »
Jenny

For my part, I enjoyed reading this - a great bite of humour to it and I'd definitely be interested in reading more.

Pete
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Offline The Matelot

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Re: Re: Hello from the north, review from Jenny TOPIC MOVED
« Reply #12 on: February 19, 2006, 04:39:03 PM »
Hi Jenny,
I Like your sense of humour. Please, tell me, how are you dealing with the slang side of things?
How are you deciding what to put on paper, as it Iimagine it reflects nothing to what you originally had in your head or rough drafts?

I´ve just posted my first 500 words in `review my life´, and have added a small key for now.

Keep up the good work
Tam
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