Author Topic: Misdirection  (Read 3773 times)

Offline Matthew

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Misdirection
« on: September 30, 2006, 08:30:08 PM »
My first offering to the script section:


EXT. PARK - AFTERNOON

A man leans against a chainlink fence surrounding an dirty, leaf-filled public pool. He is staring out at the park where kids are chasing each other around a set of swings. He ducks in head into his heavy overcoat while sitting up.

INSERT: In his hand he holds a long paper bag which reads "The Beer Store."

The man pulls his head out of his overcoat, yawns, and scratches his scruffy chin and neck.

THE BEGGAR (V.O.)
Dear Mother, it's been awhile since I wrote you.
But I thought you should know I've been doing
better since we last spoke.

He lifts the bag up and sets it on his leg. He leans back and starts to softly bang his head against the chainlink fence.

THE BEGGAR (V.O)
(continued)
It's been almost three weeks since my last
drink. I went to a couple of those meetings,
and I've been listening to a lot of the stories
the people tell there. I haven't the courage
to stand up and tell my own. Where do they
find this strength?
(pause)
I shake. I shake at night, I writhe and I vomit
nothing. And I scream. For hours and hours.

He reaches into the bag--there is no bottle in the bag--and pulls out some birdseed. He tosses the seed offscreen.

THE BEGGAR (V.O.)
(continued)
When it gets to the point where I cannot
take it anymore, I turn to my birds. They
are so beautiful. Without them, I don't
know if I could have made it this long.

There are no birds where THE BEGGAR tosses the seeds.

INSERT: Extreme Close-up, slow zoom on the man as he smiles in the bright sunlight.

THE BEGGAR (V.O.)
(continued)
They are...
(beat)
They are so beautiful.

FADE OUT


Thanks for reading.

Offline Angeleyes

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Re: Misdirection
« Reply #1 on: October 04, 2006, 05:35:32 AM »
This was nice Matthew. Very gentle.

Just one thing that confused me.
Quote
A man leans against a chainlink fence surrounding an dirty, leaf-filled public pool. He is staring out at the park where kids are chasing each other around a set of swings. He ducks in(his?) head into his heavy overcoat while sitting up.

He goes from leaning against a fence, to sitting up at the end.

Keep posting.

Angeleyes.
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Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Re: Misdirection
« Reply #2 on: October 04, 2006, 06:37:39 AM »
Keep in mind that I'm not a script-writer, but;

The leaning against the fence and later sitting up confused me also.

After going over that paragraph a few times I realized you must have intended to having him sitting near or against the fence (on the ground or some kind of seating) and later leaning back against the fence.  But this isn't clear on the first read.

Nice teaser mentioning the brown paper bag, with his description I expected a it to contain a bottle and was pleasantly surprised to learn of the birdseed. 

The letter to his mother was sad and revealing as was the scattering of seed to a birdless area.

Quitely emotional. 
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Offline Big T

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Re: Misdirection
« Reply #3 on: October 05, 2006, 02:00:00 PM »

The letter to his mother was sad and revealing as was the scattering of seed to a birdless area.

Quitely emotional. 


C4G, I didn't picture him writing a letter, it came across to me as his thoughts. Matthew - over to you?

T
Big T  :o

Offline Matthew

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Re: Misdirection
« Reply #4 on: October 06, 2006, 05:09:35 PM »
Quote
THE BEGGAR (V.O.)
Dear Mother, it's been awhile since I wrote you.

He was writing a letter, perhaps I should have included a 'SOUND CUE: Paper ruffling.'

And you're all absolutely right about the leaning and sitting. The confusion was due to the fact I was thinking he was sitting, leaning against the fence. An oversight on my part. He is sitting on the ground, leaning against the fence. I'll be more careful with my wording in the future.

Offline Angeleyes

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Re: Misdirection
« Reply #5 on: October 07, 2006, 03:55:17 AM »
Hi Matthew. Don't worry about little mistakes. One the whole this is very good. I hope you posty some more soon!! ;D  I'll be watching out for them. :D
May all your dreams come true.

Whether you think you can, or think you can't....you're right!
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Re: Misdirection
« Reply #6 on: December 16, 2006, 12:49:48 AM »
I wouldn't worry about the little mistakes. These can be corrected later. It was moving I thought. Good drama. Keep at it!

Offline jeanette

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Re: Misdirection
« Reply #7 on: January 02, 2007, 01:37:12 PM »
Hi Matthew, this was really nice. Is there any more of it, or are you still working on it? It's pretty good for a first attempt, I think.
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