Author Topic: 3 short poems of metaphor  (Read 1448 times)

Offline julytimes

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3 short poems of metaphor
« on: January 23, 2018, 10:53:51 AM »
These are the first poems I've ever written (homework assignment for my Poetry course) so they might be rough. Any and all feedback is much appreciated!

I.    Sun
as night yawns and begins to turn in
the pearl grey hands of the clouds relax
smooth, warm gold slips through their fingers
as the bright, copper coin slowly climbs
seeping dawn down the mountainside

II.   Gossip
At first glance, her words, they dripped honey.
They stuck sweet and caught on her lips.
But they plummeted down
and splintered on the ground.
Where they glowed a green toxic hiss.

III.   Thoughts at 5:30pm
Forehead creased. Tired hands. Always, always promote the brand.
Mind fraught. Tensed neck. I gotta keep an eye on the NASDAQ.
Family time, dinners cut short. Rush, turn in my quarterly report.
A pack of Camels, five smoked by 4. Sleep, work, commute, there’s nothing more.
The car a rat cage, the soul has been bought. The interstate is a goddamn parking lot.

Offline Mark T

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Re: 3 short poems of metaphor
« Reply #1 on: January 23, 2018, 01:25:00 PM »

Nice work. Good use of language and original ideas. Looks like a talent worth developing.

Most of the poets here have recently moved on due to spam issues at MWC.

This is our newly built home.

Offline Tom 10

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Re: 3 short poems of metaphor
« Reply #2 on: January 23, 2018, 01:46:52 PM »
I agree with Mark - there is something appealing here.

I have landed over at the Tangled Branch as well - lots of good feedback there.  :)