Author Topic: Hoping for someone to review my poem!  (Read 1953 times)

Offline Isabella du lac

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Hoping for someone to review my poem!
« on: January 28, 2014, 06:06:57 AM »
A DULL GREY MORNING

Waking up to a dull grey morning
I let the blind fall heavily
Seeking the comfort of your warm body
I reached out for you

Your arms enfolded me
We embraced and
My heart raced in anticipation
Slowly, slowly we began the dance

How tenderly you stroked my thigh
Lips moving caressingly over my stomach, with ever increasing urgency
Arching my back I moved towards you
Wanting you more than ever

Needing once again to recreate our union
I spoke your name, breaking the spell
I know it is just a dream
For you have long since departed this world, my beloved

But I will live forever on the memory of your sweet essence
Tasting your lips, feeling your touch
Hearing your voice guide me and
Turning my dull grey morning to gold


Offline bri h

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Re: Hoping for someone to review my poem!
« Reply #1 on: January 28, 2014, 06:13:37 AM »
Wow Isabella! This is good. I like it. I didn't see where it was leading, but after a few para's, I did. One thing I'd change is the 'it is.' to 'it's.' It makes it less formal and more intimate (to me, you may be different). I'm sure someone else will come in to offer 'tighteners.' Well done with this. I really liked it. I'm gonna go back for another read. Bri.

Btw. I got the poignancy of this too. The longing and the heartfelt emotion shines, imo.

Not sure of the Title?. xbx
« Last Edit: January 28, 2014, 06:15:53 AM by brianh »
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline Isabella du lac

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Re: Hoping for someone to review my poem!
« Reply #2 on: January 28, 2014, 06:17:43 AM »
Thanks brianh for your encouraging words - yes I think changing 'it is' to 'it's' would help the flow.

Offline bri h

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Re: Hoping for someone to review my poem!
« Reply #3 on: January 28, 2014, 06:18:52 AM »
Np's Isabella. And please, just 'bri.' xbx
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline duck

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Re: Hoping for someone to review my poem!
« Reply #4 on: January 28, 2014, 07:47:00 AM »
Hi Isabella
I am sorry for me this taken straight from any penny pocket romance novel. Too many clichés that have been written so often before -
frmaing the poem in the morning, the morning grey contrasting with the 'light' of the love, enfloding arms, embraces, warm body (I mean there is not much exactitude in the word warm), heart raced, a dance of love, arching backs etc.

To be truly creative you need to find your own words. You clearly enjoy the writing and the process so you can afford to strtch the inventive imagination (not just imagination) more.
Duck

Offline Isabella du lac

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Re: Hoping for someone to review my poem!
« Reply #5 on: January 28, 2014, 08:20:45 AM »
Thanks Duck,

I suppose when you put it like that it does seem kinda cliched - in defence I can only say that that was truly how I felt that day. I do enjoy the process of writing you are correct, but sometimes I think it's hard to find words that haven't been written before - that are truly original. I appreciate the feedback.

Isabella

Offline MadDove

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Re: Hoping for someone to review my poem!
« Reply #6 on: January 28, 2014, 09:19:01 AM »
Hello!

I'm afraid I must concur with duck's comments. And I personally find colored type distracting and detracting, as if you do not trust your words to fully convey the feeling described in your poem. The right words are plenty vibrant enough in simple black and white. :-)

My take, for what it's worth.

Best wishes from one newbie to another!

Offline Amie

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Re: Hoping for someone to review my poem!
« Reply #7 on: January 28, 2014, 09:35:44 AM »
I'm afraid I agree with duck and MadDove. Feels very formulaic and nothing to challenge the reader's perceptions or get him thinking about things in a different way.
"You do not need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait, be quiet still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet." - Kafka

Offline Tom 10

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Re: Hoping for someone to review my poem!
« Reply #8 on: January 28, 2014, 07:48:20 PM »
Hi,

Welcome to MWC.  I hope you like it here.  You will find that you get feedback that sometimes is contradictory.  That's not a bad thing.  You get to think about the suggestions and decide what you think.  

So here's my two cents.  Your Narrator was in love with someone who died and imagines another encounter with that person.  You describe it as a spell.  I imagined it as a dream.  What strikes me as simply not real is that when N. breaks the spell (or wakes up), s/he is enraptured with having had those thoughts of a physical reunion - the day becomes golden.  I would expect in this situation that N.'s emotions would be complex and conflicting, and not one purely and solely of bliss.  There have to be wounds, scars, longing, dashed dreams, all of those things and not just heaven regained.

What you might want to consider to help make this more real is look at actual details, remembered scent, an object on the night stand that reminds N. of a foolish squabble that N. now regrets, the color of paint on the wall that reminds N. of painting the room together, etc.  You may want to take a look at some of the posted poems of jkaram, Siobhan, and drab because each is very good at putting important detail into the text.  Sometimes the entire poem can be written by arranging specific detail (I can't do it, but some can).  I rambled, sorry about that.
 :)
T  
« Last Edit: January 28, 2014, 07:51:02 PM by Tom 10 »

Offline Biola

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Re: Hoping for someone to review my poem!
« Reply #9 on: January 29, 2014, 12:36:09 AM »
Hi,
Welcome to MWC, it is a school really and a home after a while, you will see why. Take a deep breath and see what Duck is talking about. Every feeling we ever have is cliche and new. You might find that strange but so is waking up every morning.
biola
we learn every day if we want. check my blog http://biola-ephesus-ephesus.blogspot.com, Ephesus@Wordpress.com
buy my books, BLOOD CONTRACT,NUMEN YEYE at amazon.com

Offline Isabella du lac

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Re: Hoping for someone to review my poem!
« Reply #10 on: January 29, 2014, 06:48:05 AM »
Thanks for the feedback everyone. I will take all the comments on board, there is much to digest and think about.

Isabella

Offline kwsteller

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Re: Hoping for someone to review my poem!
« Reply #11 on: January 29, 2014, 10:43:00 AM »
I do agree with Duck and the rest, however do not dispare, when we write what we feel and we put it to paper (or screen) as we feel, the cliche is enevitble, and not always bad.  If we feel it it is what should be said.

I felt your feelings, your hunger to be with the departed, whether clicheic or not, it is the feelings of the reader that we are trying to move.  Personally my feeling were touched so I see this verse as a success.

Can other words be used?  Certainly.  Can we try to avoid cliche?  Absolutely.  But we should always write what we know (whether created in our minds or fact)  to convince the reader that it is real.

Keep it up
kwsteller

Lin

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Re: Hoping for someone to review my poem!
« Reply #12 on: January 29, 2014, 12:37:46 PM »
A DULL GREY MORNING

Waking up to a dull grey morning
I let the blind fall heavily
Seeking the comfort of your warm body
I reached out for you                                                                         I liked this

Your arms enfolded me
We embraced and                                                                             Embraced and
                                                                                                      raced                   My heart raced in anticipation

Slowly, slowly we began the dance                                                       Slowly

How tenderly you stroked my thigh                                                       Tenderly
Lips moving caressingly over my stomach, with ever increasing urgency      Caressingly
Arching my back I moved towards you
Wanting you more than ever

Needing once again to recreate our union                                              Needing once again
I spoke your name, breaking the spell
I know it is just a dream                                                                      Just
For you have long since departed this world, my beloved                           Long since departed, my beloved

But I will live forever on the memory of your sweet essence                       Not fond of this line cliche
Tasting your lips, feeling your touch
Hearing your voice guide me and
Turning my dull grey morning to gold

So all the words I have outlined could be changed to sound more flowing and less cliche

I think you have what it takes and will learn a bit more about writing poetry so you don't make these cliche statements. With time you will learn to be more flexible in how you write and tighten it up. Take away some LY words (adverbs)
« Last Edit: January 29, 2014, 12:47:11 PM by Lin Treadgold »