Author Topic: short short film script  (Read 21957 times)

Offline Irshaad

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short short film script
« on: January 10, 2014, 09:30:45 AM »
I just want to say that simply no budget scripts help poor film makers. I want your opinions please..

FADE IN:

INT. BEDROOM - DAY

A young guy lying on bed with depression, thinking of his fate.

                                        GUY(O.V)
 
                                     (looking up)

                          I born my parents gone.

looking at greeting card on the desk

                                      GUY(V.O)

                                 (continuing)

                        my girl friend loves my friend

little tears come from one eye

                                    GUY(V.O)

                       no job,no pub,no club.. I
                       have to die.. Just want to die..

he walks out.

EXT. ROAD - DAY

He is walking on the road with depression.On the way he sees some handicapped people working in the Carpentry. He inspires of them and day after that he leaves his laziness and works hard for the success. 

Offline ericthehalfabee

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Re: short short film script
« Reply #1 on: January 31, 2014, 08:26:31 AM »
I like the basic idea of the story - about overcoming depression by being inspired by people who are worse off than you but are achieving great things.

If it's a voiceover introducing the character I would try to improve the dialogue i.e. rather than just have a series of bullet points about why he's depressed, make it sound more dramatic.  "i'm all alone" with the picture of his girlfriend with her face crossed out maybe, next to a faded picture of his parents. 

Also I'm not sure not having a pub or club nearby would cause me to want to commit suicide! (Oh wait...maybe it would...)

Sorry this is my first time criticising anything, I just thought I would write something because over 1500 people have viewed it with no comments!


Offline Chizzy

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Re: short short film script
« Reply #2 on: January 31, 2014, 09:19:07 AM »
Like Eric, I was amazed by the number of views this has attracted in three weeks without a comment.

You don't indicate if this is the whole thing or if this is just the intro. Either way, it's a strange little piece.

Quote
                                       GUY(O.V)
 
                                     (looking up)

                          I born my parents gone.

I presume you mean (V.O.) as you have it in subsequent lines. But you then seem to give a direction to the voiceover, ie to look up. I get what you mean but as presented it's a little confusing. How does a voiceover look up? I think something like this would be clearer:


GUY looks up as the voiceover begins.

                                        GUY(V.O.)
                          I born my parents gone.[/quote]

And then we have the actual line, “I born my parents gone” which doesn’t make sense.

We then have a couple more lines of navel gazing before we cut to the next scene:

Quote
EXT. ROAD – DAY

He is walking on the road with depression.On the way he sees some handicapped people working in the Carpentry. He inspires of them and day after that he leaves his laziness and works hard for the success.  

Scripts are quite particular in what you can tell us as opposed to what you can show us. On screen, how do you suppose the viewer will get that “he inspires of them and day after that he leaves his laziness and works hard for the success", given that this has all to happen under the one scene heading of “EXT. ROAD – DAY”? You need to show us this change in him. How does his demeanor change when he sees the people in the carpentry? How does he become inspired? What does he do to work hard for success? And you probably need to do this over a number of scenes. As it stands, a guy is depressed and within a minute he’s better. Really? Is that your story?

Best advice I can give you is to read some scripts, get an idea of how they’re laid out and how they go about telling their story. As it stands, even for an introduction, there’s so little here it’s hard to imagine how this 30 seconds would translate on to the screen.

This is not an exit.

hillwalker3000

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Re: short short film script
« Reply #3 on: January 31, 2014, 06:22:57 PM »
If this is a script then your opening line is an immediate fail.
A young guy lying on bed with depression, thinking of his fate.
The camera can show him lying on a bed. The rest is impossible to translate to film.

I born my parents gone. isn't the way anyone who speaks English would express themselves. So again you have a problem - presumably you're trying to write dialogue in a language you are not conversant with.

GUY(V.O)
(continuing)
my girl friend loves my friend
little tears come from one eye

Is the GUY still speaking this part?

Again
He is walking on the road with depression.
How do you intend the camera to show this? Is this a special kind of walking the actor is supposed to master?

He inspires of them and day after that he leaves his laziness and works hard for the success.
What? Is that it?

Again this is not English. And unfortunately this is not a screenplay either. It reads like something scribbled in haste on the back of a cigarette packet.

Forget about budget. Start thinking about coming up with some fully-formed ideas and meaningful dialogue.

H3K
« Last Edit: January 31, 2014, 06:24:51 PM by hillwalker3000 »

Offline Irshaad

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Re: short short film script
« Reply #4 on: January 31, 2014, 10:07:12 PM »
I appriciate ua valuable replies. Thank y0u Eric, chizzy and hillwalker. Eric, thanks for ua dial0gues which t0ught me the value of dialogues again.  Chizzy y0u have t0ught me  w0rthy skills.  Hillwaker, fr0m ua reply i have learnt that script and language sh0uld be clear and I sh0uld keep readers in my mind..

0nce again thank y0u guys.. I will c0me up with better script.. :)

Offline cassandramortmain

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Re: short short film script
« Reply #5 on: February 02, 2014, 07:04:49 PM »
I really like the idea! However, the ending needs to be more detailed. "and day after that he leaves his laziness and works hard for the success." could mean just about anything! What's his job? Is he initially reluctant to return to it? Do we actually see him working diligently or do we just see in his face that he's ready to turn his life around? It has potential, it just needs to be tweaked.

Offline Irshaad

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Re: short short film script
« Reply #6 on: February 02, 2014, 10:00:31 PM »
I appreciate your reply Cassandra.. I will over come this draw back. I have learnt to take care of the ending. Thank you.. :)

Offline Banquo

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Re: short short film script
« Reply #7 on: February 22, 2014, 01:25:37 PM »
A bit late commenting, but here is my two pence worth. It is certainly an interesting piece. I completely agree with Chzzy that it is always best to show rather than tell. So make sure your characters reveal themselves through their actions as much as possible  :). The ending does not really give me any closure. Seeing less fortunate people acts as a catalyst for him to change his life, but I want to know how this depression riddled man changes. Perhaps a few timelapse scenes of him with a new girlfriend, or perhaps he is now a father (with meaning in his life again) , or founder of a charity which focuses on helping people with disabilities. Dont leave anything to the audiences imagination! Tie up everything.

I see you have taken a lot from the comments, so happy writing!

Offline Fin Burn

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Re: short short film script
« Reply #8 on: February 25, 2014, 12:11:26 AM »
it struck me at "no pub, no club" how much more powerful the entire message of this short film would be if it were in rhyme, as it would make it seem like the man had spent a lot of time contemplating his depression, and put it into poem form.
i disagree with hillwalkers critique concerning you writing the emotion of the character, as it would help the actor to portray the character better, and also just generally makes it a better read!

Offline 2par

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Re: short short film script
« Reply #9 on: February 25, 2014, 12:22:41 AM »
The writer NEVER tells the actor how to act, nor the director how to direct, nor the cameraman how to film. Leave out all directions when you write film scripts. The writer's business is to write dialogue. It's not a writer's medium. The Director is the boss.

#1.  Learn English
#2.  Learn how to write.
#3.  Learn how to write a screenplay.
« Last Edit: February 25, 2014, 12:25:53 AM by 2par »

hillwalker3000

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Re: short short film script
« Reply #10 on: February 25, 2014, 03:55:34 AM »
i disagree with hillwalkers critique concerning you writing the emotion of the character, as it would help the actor to portray the character better, and also just generally makes it a better read!

There's a clue at the top of this forum heading - this was meant to be a screenplay not a poem. If you're looking for a better read you're in the wrong place.  ;D

H3K

Offline Irshaad

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Re: short short film script
« Reply #11 on: February 25, 2014, 10:52:06 PM »
Thank every one.. I noted your worthy comments. Your worthy comments show me my weak points and strength. I try to over come my weak points. Once again thanks for your worthy comments friends. :)

Offline Fin Burn

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Re: short short film script
« Reply #12 on: February 26, 2014, 06:45:41 PM »
There's a clue at the top of this forum heading - this was meant to be a screenplay not a poem. If you're looking for a better read you're in the wrong place.  ;D

but i was suggesting his dialogue be in rhyme, i wasnt requesting a poem, in fact my suggestion was only relevant to film, seen as his dialogue is a voice over ;D

Offline Irshaad

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Re: short short film script
« Reply #13 on: February 27, 2014, 10:40:33 AM »
those dialogues r not  poems.. But i thought it would be catchy when it is like rhyme..

Offline 2par

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Re: short short film script
« Reply #14 on: February 27, 2014, 11:07:00 AM »
Irshaad, read a play called Winterset by Maxwell Anderson. It's based on the Saccho and Vanzetti case of the 1930's and is written in couplets.