Author Topic: Daddy's Girl (Strong language)  (Read 1223 times)

Offline AntonioM

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Daddy's Girl (Strong language)
« on: January 10, 2014, 12:33:35 AM »
Dreadlocks outnumbered by the scores
of dead cocks falling limp from her
used pussy
Misses Lova Lova
Eww

Cityscape out the window reminds her
of the men she's let in
to her life
Skyscrapers rising in tandem with her
dripping desires-
She's gone
unsatisfied
all shapes and sizes penetrating her
lonely princess psyche
over and over and over again

until he's trapped inside her
come, like a teenage boy
hard and fast

Broken mess of flesh left bleeding
and wanting a real daddy, sugar-
sweet and lovable,
but all she ever got
was a child-support check,
so she chases the cash-
like him hoping one day they'll
run into one another.
« Last Edit: January 10, 2014, 12:11:52 PM by ARMielak »
ARM

Offline Mark T

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Re: Daddy's Girl (Strong language)
« Reply #1 on: January 10, 2014, 02:57:36 AM »

Hi ARM - nakedly brutal stuff - very powerful, softened with a touch of pathos at the end. 

Offline Tom 10

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Re: Daddy's Girl (Strong language)
« Reply #2 on: January 10, 2014, 09:40:30 AM »
Hi ARM,

I agree with Mark, brutal stuff, powerfully written.

I'm not seeing clearly how to relate S.3 to S.4, and thus am a bit unsure about the poem's conclusion.  Maybe just me.

Still, this is an good example of how social commentary in poetry can be most effective when the subject is an individual rather than a group.  Your heroine is well chosen to carry the poem's message.
 8)
T

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Daddy's Girl (Strong language)
« Reply #3 on: January 10, 2014, 09:46:56 AM »
Ooh -- cutting social commentary. Great use of the scenery to mirror her physical condition. D H Lawrence in 2014 -- everything is phallic! ;D

Dread locks ---> Dreadlocks?

She needs a gun. :o

Offline Dribbler Scribbler

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Re: Daddy's Girl (Strong language)
« Reply #4 on: January 10, 2014, 09:59:52 AM »
I like anything with a bit of profanity in it so this was always going to be up my street!

Admittedly, I had to read through the final verse a few times before pulling some sort of understanding from it and even now, I'm not quite sure. Am I right in saying there's a Sugar Daddy out there somewhere looking for a vulnerable, cash-starved whore with dreadlocks? It's a strange world. Anything is possible!

The only other thing I might mention is the layout. In a couple of instances, the layout confused me and forced me to re-read certain excerpts. Things could be just a little clearer.

Bitching done. There were also things I liked:

...dead cocks falling limp from her used pussy

Really, really powerful, epitomises the despair of the character and captures the selfishness of the typical punter once they've blown their muck. Dead. Limp. Used. All of these words make this work so depressingly well. Nice going!

...Skyscrapers rising in tandem with her
dripping desires...


Unashamed phallic imagery but we're talking about screwing and shagging here. The dick-like skyscrapers belong there.

...lonely princess psyche

That line made me really uncomfortable and I'm glad that it did. For a brief, brief second, the thought of one of my daughters being on the game crossed through my mind. My daughters are princesses, at least to me. I don't want "all shapes and sizes penetrating" my princesses "over and over again". It's a nasty, nasty line that fits the words around it and I really like it.

This is a really promising piece. I'd possibly make one or two small changes but, if you like it as it is, maybe you could just look at the layout again to make sure things are clear to everybody reading it.

Good work!

Offline AntonioM

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Re: Daddy's Girl (Strong language)
« Reply #5 on: January 10, 2014, 12:11:31 PM »
Thanks for the comments and compliments. I changed "real sugar daddy" to "real daddy, sugar" placing sugar in the vocative to avoid confusing the meaning. She is looking (hopelessly) for her father- not a payday.

T, I am not sure ow else I would make that transition, I will keep your comments in mind for further revisions.

510, thanks for the suggestion.

ARM
ARM

Offline jkaram

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Re: Daddy's Girl (Strong language)
« Reply #6 on: January 10, 2014, 07:24:07 PM »
Hi Arm,

I read this last night- amazing what that one change did to clear up my confusion there. Either way this is a great poem with your usual intensity that is truly awesome.

Thanks for sharing.

Janet