Author Topic: xxx  (Read 2075 times)

Offline Victor

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1341
xxx
« on: January 03, 2014, 12:23:39 PM »
xxx
« Last Edit: March 29, 2014, 03:57:35 PM by Victor »
And I gave my heart to know wisdom, and to know madness and folly: I perceived that this also is vexation of spirit. -ECCLESIASTES 1:17

Offline Chizzy

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 934
Re: Visios in cocoon
« Reply #1 on: January 03, 2014, 12:53:04 PM »
Well, I guess it does what it says on the tin: sketches in isolation. Without a line running through it, it leaves the couplets to succeed or fail on their own. I'm not sure you get away with it and as a whole it remains a bit of a puzzle. The elephantine meow feels a little ridiculous but this part:

Quote
By the charnel wall where rats whelp
a tree paws the nebula incestuously-

the leaves erupting like a fountain of bats.
It's the wind, the root-cold wind, no more.

works much better.

Overall, it's interesting to read something that treads a less worn path and I enjoyed it more on subsequent reads than I did on the first.
This is not an exit.

Offline Mark T

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4097
Re: Visios in cocoon
« Reply #2 on: January 03, 2014, 01:29:07 PM »

Wow. I don't care that i didn't understand the premise/storyline whatever. Incredible phrasing - Roger Waters turns blu - thanx for effort and posting

Offline Mark H

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 19722
  • Middleclass Machismo now available.
Re: Visios in cocoon
« Reply #3 on: January 03, 2014, 01:37:19 PM »
I like it. It is less pretentious than you can sometimes appear.

I too particularly like the lines Chizzy quoted - and it would work as well if you plonked the modifier in front of the verb.

M
Buy Bristle Side Down, The Man Who Wore Brown Shoes and Middleclass Machismo here:
http://www.lulu.com/shop/search.ep?contributorId=570142

If poetry is not your thing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PueM04F0Qz8 or: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x0Zm8cj9MGg

Offline bri h

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 18523
Re: Visios in cocoon
« Reply #4 on: January 03, 2014, 02:45:40 PM »
There's parts of this I really like. There's parts that seem vague. And there's also parts that I really don't like. Overall a good poem. Cos it forces me to ask questions. And seek enlightenment. Bri.
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline CJBlane175

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 72
  • Forget the Logic
Re: Visios in cocoon
« Reply #5 on: January 03, 2014, 04:38:15 PM »
Excellent language, really striking. I think the last 3 words finish it out really well.

Offline Victor

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1341
Re: Visios in cocoon
« Reply #6 on: January 04, 2014, 11:44:41 AM »
Thank you for reading and commenting, folks.
And I gave my heart to know wisdom, and to know madness and folly: I perceived that this also is vexation of spirit. -ECCLESIASTES 1:17

Offline jkaram

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 847
Re: Visios in cocoon
« Reply #7 on: January 04, 2014, 12:01:02 PM »
Hi Victor- I too enjoyed the rich vocabulary- a great example of poetry that shows without telling. Thanks for sharing. Love the imagery and sensations you conjure.

Offline indar

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3849
Re: Visios in cocoon
« Reply #8 on: January 04, 2014, 12:33:34 PM »
Quote
Each kiss is a suck on a skunk's anus.

Hi Victor,

I agree with the praise this piece has been given. However this one sentence stuck out as an attempt to be as shocking/disgusting as possible just for the sake of it. It almost sounds like a child's taunt "hey skunk-but".

Offline Tom 10

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8850
Re: Visios in cocoon
« Reply #9 on: January 04, 2014, 12:53:36 PM »
Hi Victor,

I don't recognize the form (if it is written to a form).  It seems in a sense Ghazal-like, although not strictly meeting the criteria.  It also seems a bit like exercises in iambic pentameter, well done.  There are some popping images and wonderful turns of phrase.  But I'm finding no unifying element, theme, concept or connections though, so it does tend in parts toward cataloguing. 
As always, your writing is crisp. 8)

T

Offline duck

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2921
  • The best laid plans of mice and men turn to ...
Re: Visios in cocoon
« Reply #10 on: January 06, 2014, 04:20:12 AM »
Hi Victor
As always interesting stuff and as often no idea what the hell its about beginnning with the title - the word visios means absolutely nothing to me even after Googling it. There are some great images IMO

the leaves erupting like a fountain of bats.
It's the wind, the root-cold wind, no more.

and unless there is an idiom I am not aware there is some nonsense disguised as clever imaging, or perhaps it is a joke and I should just laugh

Each kiss is a suck on a skunk's anus. Why a skunk's ass?

Overall as some have intimated, the parts seem greater than their sum.

Different nevertheless.

Different nevertheless.
Duck

Offline Vienna

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 7407
Re: Visios in cocoon
« Reply #11 on: January 06, 2014, 07:09:34 AM »
Hello and happy new year Victor. A welcome return.........interesting writing as always. Lovely use of words...........I sometimes find it amusing that so many "need a thread through a poem from beginning to end" or a story...........didnt someone once say that some readers need their hand held and led  down the garden path. But that is a different discussion.

nice work Victor.
Just a well-read punk peasant

Going to church makes you a christian as much as standing in a garage makes you a car!

Offline Victor

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1341
Re: Visios in cocoon
« Reply #12 on: January 08, 2014, 12:47:58 PM »
Thank you all for the feedback.
And I gave my heart to know wisdom, and to know madness and folly: I perceived that this also is vexation of spirit. -ECCLESIASTES 1:17

Offline drab

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3896
Re: Visios in cocoon
« Reply #13 on: January 09, 2014, 10:07:03 PM »
Hello and happy new year Victor. A welcome return.........interesting writing as always. Lovely use of words...........I sometimes find it amusing that so many "need a thread through a poem from beginning to end" or a story...........didnt someone once say that some readers need their hand held and led  down the garden path. But that is a different discussion.

nice work Victor.

Hi And Happy New Year V,
When I started posting here first I wrote a (compared to this) very transparent poem that I had to explain. And I was told by the 'gods' if the explanation was longer than the poem, the poem was a failure.
I suppose the question goes to the author.
How do you want the reader to react? Are you writing to communicate, to impress, to shock, to confuse. And V(ictor) was a shock-jock in his day.
He's older now, he's grown up and educated himself.
I enjoy poetry I don't understand. Tom's especially, some of his stuff is like looking at an equation, you know it's right and you know it makes sense. But even though you're not quite there, the lyrical beauty is sufficient.
JMO. And I'm not getting involved in another argument/discussion on the matter.
Regards
To live, with gentle but cunning deceit, and accept the consequences, is the destiny of every man.