Author Topic: Their Kiss in the Kitchen. / part eight / Repaired -- reply # 20  (Read 5202 times)

Offline Skip Slocum

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 12384
  • Writers are dreamers with pens
Re: Their Kiss in the Kitchen. / (540) part eight
« Reply #15 on: January 02, 2014, 11:38:13 PM »
 ;)

Offline 2par

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4740
Re: Their Kiss in the Kitchen. / (540) part eight
« Reply #16 on: January 02, 2014, 11:51:35 PM »
I think maybe one thing to consider is the fact that women have traditionally been more open about their feelings than men have been. Perhaps even in their own thoughts. For instance, Jake might be thinking about what's socially acceptable in his actions towards her which may be in conflict with his prurient thoughts. Those are things that fit right in with what Pale talked about in fumbling through the same bundle of nerves.

Offline Skip Slocum

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 12384
  • Writers are dreamers with pens
Re: Their Kiss in the Kitchen. / (540) part eight
« Reply #17 on: January 03, 2014, 12:11:46 AM »
And this is supposed to be sometime in the 1880's (give or take)

We were different back then.  ;D

Offline Skip Slocum

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 12384
  • Writers are dreamers with pens
Re: Their Kiss in the Kitchen. / (540) part eight
« Reply #18 on: January 03, 2014, 02:52:31 PM »
After all the help and advice, I made some repairs. Hope it reads smoother.

* * *

“Stop.” Jake shook his head. “Don’t do this.” He calmly moved toward her. “Don’t be sorry – not unless it’s because you ran.” She trembled in waves. Gently, he laid his hand over hers and bent lower where he could whisper. “I liked it. I thought about it all day – over and over. Now here you are. Abby-” She looked up. “-if you don’t leave, I’m going to kiss you – right or wrong. When I do, it will be the kiss I’ve wanted since the first moment I laid eyes on you.”

She flinched. Her breath caught. Before she had a chance to move Jake reached for her.

He caressed the back of her hand, slowly lacing his fingers with hers. “Tell me this is what you want.”

“I uh.” She wouldn’t look up.

The swell of his chest brushed her cheek. She inhaled sharply.  “Breathe Abby . . .” He brought a hand up to the nape of her neck. “Tell me no.” He smiled.

“Yes.”

That’s all he needed to hear. He leaned closer. And yet, while she offered her lips to his, he felt her stiffen. Her trembling had turned to stone and her elbows drew inward. Jake realized he might have pushed her too far, too fast. “Shall I stop?” She shook her head but the glaze in her eyes bordered on fear. “Abby?”

“Please Jake” her voice was but a whisper

“What is it?”

“Nothing I just . . . I mean-”

“Shhh” He wrapped his arms around her. “I want this but only if you do”

“I do, truly Jake but . . . I nev” Her arms wrapped around him. She buried her face. “I-I ca-can’t tell you.”

“Tell me what?”

“Nothing.”

He pulled back trying to look her in the eye. “No nothing – you’ve gotta tell.” She turned away before he could see her face. But clearly her standing there isolated and alone upset her even more. Jake touched her shoulder and she leaned back to him. “Abby talk to me. What is it?”

She turned. “Kiss me.”

“Now hold on ah minute. I’m not in the habit of forcing myself on beautiful women – thank you very much.”

She looked away again. “I know Jake. You’ve a kind heart but you’d think me a callow child if I told you.”

Jake’s mind was ah wash with questions. His heart was on fire. Holding her felt so good. He was sure he was finally going to kiss her. Her voice told him yes but another part of her was telling him wait.

She turned toward him but kept her eyes closed. Reaching up with both hands, she caressed his face, drawing him lower. She laid her forehead against his. Her heart beat so hard he could feel it, then again so was his. Her breath quickened. “Be patient with me Jake . . . you’re my first, real kis-”

He couldn’t wait any longer. In their frenzied haste he might have been a little rough crushing her in his arms and yet her moans were that of pleasure not of pain.
« Last Edit: January 03, 2014, 03:48:12 PM by Skip Slocum »

Offline bowmore bill

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1040
Re: Their Kiss in the Kitchen. / part eight / Repaired -- reply # 20
« Reply #19 on: January 03, 2014, 03:28:12 PM »
This one caught my attention right from the start skip, and held it right through to the end.

I thought that you handled the situation perfectly, and at one point I put myself in character.
It was delicate and un-rushed, the tempo leading up to the final moment could not have been better written.
Well done.

Offline 510bhan

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 63305
  • So many jobs to do . . .
Re: Their Kiss in the Kitchen. / part eight / Repaired -- reply # 20
« Reply #20 on: January 03, 2014, 03:37:05 PM »
Skip when you use 'ah' it might sound right, but I think you're aiming for a pause, a moment's hesitation, playing for time.


Most readers accept 'ah' as an expression of awe or sudden understanding . . . like the crowd ooh-ing and ah-ing at a magician. When they use 'aw' it can be an expression of sympathy or annoyance, depending on the tone -- aw, that's not fair, or aw, s'nuthin' I'd do it for anyone. More regular uses of short words for hesitation would be 'er/erm' or 'uh/uhm/um'.

EG "Hi, Mary. Sorry to hear about, er, you know the -- incident."
     "Thanks, John. It's not a worry any more. I was wondering . . . would you like to, um, come over to dinner maybe?"

Offline Skip Slocum

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 12384
  • Writers are dreamers with pens
Re: Their Kiss in the Kitchen. / part eight / Repaired -- reply # 20
« Reply #21 on: January 03, 2014, 03:47:21 PM »
Mr. Bill -- Thank you Sir. Much appreciated.  You getting into character with this makes me dance, Whee haw.  ;D

Miss Sio --  I never looked at it that way and now it makes sense why there would be a disconnect there.

Out of these examples/ choices I like 'uh' the best.  I've seen 'er' used but to me that's what a dork might say when a question is put to him.  ;D

I'll go fix that now. Thank you.

Offline WordBird

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 7129
Re: Their Kiss in the Kitchen. / part eight / Repaired -- reply # 20
« Reply #22 on: January 04, 2014, 06:52:24 AM »
Yummy!!!

Offline bri h

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 18523
Re: Their Kiss in the Kitchen. / part eight / Repaired -- reply # 20
« Reply #23 on: January 04, 2014, 08:07:57 AM »
At the risk of sounding like a certain nameless critic,  ::). You've had your fun with the kiss. can we get back to the story now? Huh?   ;D
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline Skip Slocum

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 12384
  • Writers are dreamers with pens
Re: Their Kiss in the Kitchen. / part eight / Repaired -- reply # 20
« Reply #24 on: January 04, 2014, 11:35:22 AM »
 ;D ;D Hey Bri, yeah time to slide into the, bang-shoot-blood in the streets parts.  ;D

Offline bri h

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 18523
Re: Their Kiss in the Kitchen. / part eight / Repaired -- reply # 20
« Reply #25 on: January 04, 2014, 11:38:06 AM »
;D ;D Hey Bri, yeah time to slide into the, bang-shoot-blood in the streets parts.  ;D


Unless it's like the Chinese translation of James Bond?

'Kiss kiss-Bang bang.'  ;D
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline Skip Slocum

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 12384
  • Writers are dreamers with pens
Re: Their Kiss in the Kitchen. / part eight / Repaired -- reply # 20
« Reply #26 on: January 04, 2014, 11:51:26 AM »
Well I've been planing out bad things. But I've also hated how in old westerns the bad guys don't plan their getaway.

There was one movie that was better than most in this area, 'Cahill U.S. Marshal' -- John Wayne. It had a few twists. I don't want to copy that plot but am trying to get into the head of the bad guy as well as the sheriff. I think I've come up with a good plan that follows logic, doesn't insult the intelligence if the sheriff, the reader or the bad guy(s).