Hello Aaron,
I had a quick look at your PDF and it does need work as you say. For the things you are asking I hope I can help.
You fear your intro is bland and that might be because the first location is EXT. BRISBANE CITY - DAY. Nothing wrong with Brisbane I'm sure but it's the same nondescript scene heading, again and again. To make it interesting it could be something with life, such as BRISBANE'S BEST BUSKING SPOT. A reader would be thinking, How can we know? and you're about to show why.
There is no description for JEREMY. Introduction is a legitimate place for a few words such as streetwise or crafty, whatever characteristics you need to describe personality. Prestidigitator extraordinaire. 'Busker' threw me, in the UK that would mean a musician; a man doing magic tricks would be a street performer, or scam artist if that's what he is. Buskers are harmless, scammers are to be wary of, so a better description would let us know. From this short sample I can't tell if Jeremy is a good guy or bad.
The first line is to tell us he has just finished busking. That's okay if busking is a peripheral activity and we are moving on to the good stuff, but it's actually what the first part is about. Already there is the feeling we have missed something. The viewer won't know anyway, it's a man packing a suitcase.
He sees a news item on TV and I can see very well this is a placeholder description probably because you haven't decided yet how to introduce the important background event. By INT/EXT I guess you mean it's through the window of a shop but it wasn't clear, by "huge" and "above" I thought it might have been one of those screens you see at sporting events. It's too soon to be bored but I was confused.
For packing up and moving on, you explain why in a post but not in the script, where it seems strange after the area is described as a favourite spot? You could have another busker with a guitar case approach and exchange a nod, with perhaps a gesture to the big TV screen showing the time clock on the news channel. It means his slot is up. This would do double duty because instead of staring "longingly" (why?) Jeremy's eye can be caught by the news caption 'PRISON ESCAPE' over mugshots of Vince. His distraction until the guitar busker gives him a nudge would tell us he knows the fugitive. Alternatively, a cop could move him on, with a suspicious glance at his suitcase paraphanalia to show Jeremy is probably up to no good. If the cop or the other busker gave a parting handshake and then quickly checked for their wristwatch, we get that Jeremy is part of the street scene, and also not to be trusted.
We move in a montage through lesser locations for no particular purpose until he sets up again and we are as we began. It may be better the other way around, showing Jeremy in his pickpocket world only waiting for his time slot to come along (a check on the stolen wristwatch and a shake and listen to his own will remind him) before he hurries to his favourite spot and sets up his props with relish, and we are ready to begin. I actually think it doesn't matter, one street is as good as another, there are marks all around. Just open with a smile and flourish of cards.
You write: "He begins by pulling out a deck of cards and playing with them" and then there is a location the same as where he is already, only now he is in the middle of a performance. Remove these lines so it goes straight from handling the cards to "You, sir, what’s your name?" as he draws a crowd.
A slight technical problem as an otherwise undescribed man tells us his name is Paul but continues speaking as MAN before duly becoming PAUL. Keep it one or the other. How should we feel about Paul being robbed, is he a naive tourist or obnoxious business man?
I too did not see or understand the trick. You shouldn't fudge it by "blurry cards" or (without offense to 2par for her suggestion) hoping an expert will come up with an idea or the actor will look as if they have done something wonderful - a clever or surprising trick described here will sell the scene, and at this early stage, give confidence in your script. I did wonder if the two cards are supposed to total the number he was thinking? That would only work up to twenty, it's still not much of a trick. For what you have, the numbers one to sixteen are recited as a list, and even if they are delivered quickly this will be an annoyance on screen. Perhaps Jeremy can have the audience chant along to show they are enjoying themselves instead of you telling?
You already told us Jeremy is a pickpocket, and you told us he is stealing Paul's watch. It would be more surprising if you left this until after the magic trick was performed, and only after the final handshake and call for applause do we see Jeremy pocket the watch. We realise he is not only a masterful performer, he is also a thief.
You can usefully show your main character as charming, talented and resourceful but I think it was stealing from market stalls that had me see him as just a lowlife hustler. If he tossed an apple to a small kid or a pretty girl he would become more of an Artful Dodger, which I sense you are going for.
In the second half we meet Tim, and again BRISBANE CITY as a location tells us nothing when BRISBANE, DEALER'S HOUSE or THE VERY SHADIEST DISTRICT OF BRISBANE would say more. TIM’S HOUSE for the interior similarly tells us nothing. LOWLIFE KITCHEN?
I don't know your story so I can't see if anything in this scene is significant but it seems to be mostly chat, and even quirky chat isn't going to move your story. I wonder if there is something in the day's haul when it spills onto the table that makes Tim sit up and say: "My god, where the hell did you get that?"
