Author Topic: Introduction to my screenplay  (Read 10659 times)

Offline mdfidelity

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Re: Introduction to my screenplay
« Reply #15 on: March 05, 2014, 11:21:45 AM »
Thank you. This helps me very much in my process to tell this story. I enjoy all of the writing process and the challenges that it brings. This story will not leave me alone and that is why I am working on it to become better. The idea of the story is a challenge within it's self, probably to elaborate for a beginner but I am up for the challenge.

Offline mdfidelity

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Re: Introduction to my screenplay
« Reply #16 on: March 09, 2014, 02:05:47 PM »
Here is a new opening that I am putting before the current one that I have posted.

          INT. CAR - NIGHT

          Sean, early thirties, is speeding frantically. He calls on his phone.

                                       SEAN
                         Pick up. Pick up

                                       David(V.O.)
                         What's up bitch?

                                       SEAN
                         Have you heard from Susan?

                                       DAVID(V.O.)
                         What? Did you say Susan?

                                       SEAN
                         Yes dumb ass. Have you heard from
                         her? She took them.

                                       DAVID(V.O.)
                         Susan? Took who?

                                       SEAN
                         No. Gina took them. 

                                       DAVID(V.O.)
                         What are you talking about?

                                       SEAN
                         The dreams. She took them and I
                         don't know where they are.
           
                                       DAVID(V.O.)
                         Where are you?

                                       SEAN
                          I'm going to her house.

                                       DAVID
                          No, Sean. Just pull over, tell me
                          where you are and I will come
                          get you.

                                       SEAN
                          I have to find them.

                                       DAVID(V.O.)
                          Sean.

           A dinging sound goes off and Sean looks at the dash to see
           the low fuel light blinking.

           OUTSIDE OF CAR

           Sean's car approaches an intersection.

                                      DAVID(V.O.)
                           Sean, answer me.

           The light is red.

           BACK TO SEAN

           A bright light shines to the right side of Sean's face and he looks.

           Bright lights fill his face.

                                       

hillwalker3000

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Re: Introduction to my screenplay
« Reply #17 on: March 09, 2014, 02:55:31 PM »
I'm sorry to say your new opening is completely baffling.

H3K

Offline mdfidelity

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Re: Introduction to my screenplay
« Reply #18 on: March 09, 2014, 03:17:12 PM »
It is meant to be.

Offline mdfidelity

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Re: Introduction to my screenplay
« Reply #19 on: March 09, 2014, 03:29:09 PM »
This is a part of what happens in the end of the story. I wanted to see if it would gain interest into it. What about the writing?

hillwalker3000

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Re: Introduction to my screenplay
« Reply #20 on: March 09, 2014, 03:43:23 PM »
The writing? A series of 3-word sentences? Are you seriously asking me to comment on the quality of the writing?

It didn't make me the slightest bit interested - but that's just one opinion.

H3K

Offline 2par

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Re: Introduction to my screenplay
« Reply #21 on: March 10, 2014, 12:12:09 AM »
Ok, I get it. An alien is about to appear. Cliche.
Your structure is still off. Go get a good screenwriting manual.

Offline mdfidelity

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Re: Introduction to my screenplay
« Reply #22 on: March 10, 2014, 12:25:18 AM »
An alien?  He is about to be hit by another car.

Offline 2par

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Re: Introduction to my screenplay
« Reply #23 on: March 10, 2014, 01:17:51 AM »
Joke there, kid. It's a perfect set up...for aliens or accidents...doesn't matter which, it's been done. What you do with that is what may be interesting. Personally, I prefer an accident to aliens.

Okay - Your set up has to be properly structured.

INT. SETH"S CAR - NIGHT

SETH is on the phone.

                                     SETH

                  blah blah blah

The car has mechanical trouble. SETH gets out to check it.

EXT.

Immediately following
 
Seth is hit by a car.


You see, it's up to the director to decide whether or not there are flashing lights



Offline mdfidelity

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Re: Introduction to my screenplay
« Reply #24 on: March 15, 2014, 06:36:26 PM »
            FADE IN:

            INT. LANCASTER HOME - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
   
            MICHAEL, 6 years old, stands in a heroic pose with a cape
            around his neck.

                                           MICHAEL
                            Wait till you get a load of me.

                                           SEAN(O.S.)
                            You don't stand a chance.
     
                                           MICHAEL
                            You can't defeat me.

             SEAN, late twenties, raises up with a black mask that only
             covers around his eyes.

                                          SEAN
                            Meet your doom.

             Michael and Sean clash together and start play fighting.

             INT. LANCASTER HOME - BEDROOM - NIGHT
       
             Michael scurries into the room, crawls onto the bed then
             starts jumping.

                                         SUSAN(O.S.)
                            Michael.  Quit

             Michael laughs, jumps onto the floor then dashes out of the
             bedroom.

             SUSAN, late twenties, comes out of the closet with assorted
             ties on her arm.

             Sean bursts into the bedroom looking for Michael.

                                        SUSAN
                            Are you going to pick out something
                            nice to wear for your interview?

                                        SEAN
                            Looks like you got it covered for
                            me, mom.

                                        SUSAN
                            Don't be a smart ass.

                                        SEAN
                            I thought he came in here.

                                        SUSAN
                            Nice costume.

                                        SEAN
                            You like it?   By the way, no tie.

                                        SUSAN
                            You need to, at least for the
                            interview.  Robin.
           
             Sean quickly grabs a tie and wraps it around Susan's waist
             then pulls her to him.

                                        SUSAN
                            Oh, I like it when you're
                            aggressive.

                                        SEAN
                            I'm no sidekick.

             Susan takes the mask off of Sean and puts it on.

                                        SUSAN
                            Would I be a hero or a villain?

                                        SEAN
                            All bad girl.

                                        MICHAEL(O.S.)
                            .

             Michael dashes into the room grabbing their legs.

                                        SEAN
                            Oh my gosh, there's a troll loose.
                            Hold on baby, I will save you from
                            this vicious creature.

              Sean moves Susan guarding her.  Sean and Michael start
              circling while staring each other down.

                                        SEAN
                            Come on you vile creature and meet
                            your doom.

              Micheal's eyes turn to the doorway then he blasts towards the
              door.

                                        SEAN
                            I got you.

             Sean quickly picks Michael up and carries him out of the room.

                                        SUSAN
                            He needs a bath.

             INT. LANCASTER HOME - MICHAEL'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

             Michael jumps on the bed and tucks his feet into the sheets.

                                        SEAN
                            Good night buddy.

                                        MICHAEL
                            Dad, smell my breath.

             Michael opens his mouth wide and Sean kneels down.

                                        SEAN
                            You got em clean.

                                        MICHAEL
                            Yep.  Oh dad, guess what.

                                        SEAN
                            What's that buddy?

                                        MICHAEL
                            Bruce Wayne is Batman.

                                        SEAN
                            Oh my gosh.

             Sean looks around the room then leans in to Michael.

                                        SEAN
                            You better keep it a secret.

             Michael pretends to zip his mouth.

                                        SEAN
                            Alright buddy, I love you, good
                            night.

             Sean kisses him on the forehead then raises up towards the
             door.

                                        MICHAEL
                            Dad.
     
                                        SEAN
                            Yeah buddy?

                                        MICHAEL
                            You be the bad guy next time.

                                        SEAN
                            Alright, I will.

             INT. LANCASTER HOME - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

             From behind Sean, sheet music with no title is sitting above
             the keys of his piano.

             Sean's feet gently rub the carpet then grips it with his
             toes.

             Sean holds his hands up in front of his face observing them
             then lowers them down to the keys of the piano and begins to
             play.

             Susan enters the room with a handful of toys then stumbles over
             something.

                                        SUSAN
                            Ow.  Damn it.

             She raises back up holding an action figure.  She is trances
             by the music from the piano.

             Toys fall onto a chair and Susan moves past towards Sean.

                                        SUSAN
                            What is that?

             As Susan reaches Sean, she starts rubbing his shoulders.
             Sean is startled but also relieved by the massage.

             Sean turns around on the bench and notices Susan with a
             concerned but almost hypnotized face.

                                         SEAN
                            What's wrong baby?

             Sean hugs her with his head against her stomach as she combs
             his hair with her fingers.

                                         SUSAN
                            Nothing, it's beautiful.

             Sean looks back up to Susan who is on the verge of tears.

                                         SUSAN
                            It's so sad.

                                         SEAN
                            Maybe I finally found my niche.

                                         SUSAN
                            Come on let's go to bed.

              Susan pulls Sean's arm to lead him out of the room then he
              turns out the light.

              INT. COFFEE HOUSE - DAY

              Sean is standing in line observing the menu.  There is a
              sound of keys hitting the floor behind him.

                                        GINA(O.S.)
                            Damn it.

                                        SEAN
                            I got em.

             Sean's hand retrieves the keys.

             Rising up his eye follow a pair of high heels, toned legs
             and a tailored skirt.

             Sean stands up and gazes at GINA, twenty seven, then slowly
             holds the keys to her.

                                        SEAN
                            Here you go.

             Sean gains his composure realizing he is staring her
             down.

                                        GINA
                            Thank you.

             Gina slowly retrieves her keys from Sean's hand.

                                        COUNTER PERSON(O.S.)
                            Can I help you sir?  Sir.

             Gina motions Sean to look behind him and he quickly turns to
             counter.

                                        SEAN
                            Yes, let me get a, uh, vanilla
                            hazelnut latte.

             Gina moves in beside Sean and quickly orders.

                                        GINA
                            I'll have a white chocolate mocha.

             Gina pays for the order.

                                        SEAN
                            What are you doing?  You don't have
                            to.
                                        GINA
                            No, my treat for the gentleman.

             Gina reaches her hand out to Sean.

                                        GINA
                            Gina.
     
             Sean takes her hand but the is no response.  Gina continues
             to hold onto his hand.

                                        GINA
                            An your name was?

                                        SEAN
                            Oh sorry.  I'm uh...Sean.

              Gina reaches up to his neck.

                                        GINA
                            Love the tie.

             She straightens it for him.  Sean looks down and pets his tie
             with no response.

             Sean takes a seat at a table, staring down towards the floor.

                                        GINA
                           Is everything alright?

                                        SEAN
                           Yes

             Gina retrieves the order and sits Sean's drink on the table.

                                        SEAN
                           Appreciate it.

             He gets up and starts to move away.

                                        GINA
                           So Sean, where are you off to?

                                        SEAN
                           I have an important meeting this
                           morning.

                                        GINA
                           Sweet, big things on the horizon?

                                        SEAN
                          Maybe.

                                        GINA
                          For big things happening you don't
                          seem very excited.

                                        SEAN
                          Oh no I am, I just had things on my
                          mind.

                                        GINA
                          I didn't mean to be nose.

                                        SEAN
                          You're fine.  The meeting is about a
                          movie.

                                        GINA
                          Wow, are you an actor?

                                        SEAN
                          Oh no no, I'm a musician.

                                        GINA
                          Outstanding.  So, are you doing the
                          music.

                                        SEAN
                          Hopefully.

                                        GINA
                          What instruments do you play?

                                        SEAN
                          Everything. 

             Sean holds the door open for Gina as they exit.

                                        SEAN
                          I don't mean to sound arrogant,
                          it's just I really can play any
                          instrument.

             EXT. COFFEE HOUSE - DAY - CONTINUOUS

                                        GINA
                          Don't apologize.  I think that is
                          worth bragging about.  I only play
                          one instrument.

                                        SEAN
                          Which one?

                                        GINA
                          The violin.

                                        SEAN
                          Beautiful, have you ever done
                          anything with it?

                                        GINA
                          I've played in an orchestra.

                                        SEAN
                          No kidding.

             A city bus starts to pull off from the corner of the street.

                                        GINA
                          Oh no, no wait.

             Gina hurries to catch it.

                                        GINA
                          Oh wait.  Wait.

             She stops then looks at her watch.

                                        GINA
                          I'm going to be late.

             Sean catches up to her.

                                        SEAN
                            Is everything alright?

                                        GINA
                            No.  I hate taking the damn bus,
                            but my car is being worked on.  I'm
                            sorry.  I'm sure you don't want to
                            hear about it.

                                        SEAN
                            It's okay.  Where are you going?

                                        GINA
                            To Sandstone Studios.  It's
                            over...

                 As Gina points Sean interrupts her.

                                        SEAN
                            That's where I'm going.  I can give
                            you a ride.

                                        GINA
                            Really?