Author Topic: Introduction to my screenplay  (Read 10510 times)

Offline mdfidelity

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 48
Introduction to my screenplay
« on: December 19, 2013, 02:54:01 PM »
INT. LANCASTER HOME-NIGHT

HALLWAY

Michael is standing with his hands on his hips with a cape around
his neck.

            MICHAEL
Wait till they get a load of me.

Michael takes off running with action figures in each hand simulating
that they are flying.

MICHAEL
You canít defeat me!

He smashes the two figures against each other as he continues
to run.

MICHAEL (CONTíD)
I have you now.

LIVING ROOM

Michael runs around and bounces off of the furniture while
making fighting noises. The room is lit by lamps on the
tables at each end of the couch.

He rolls onto the cushions of the couch then he falls to the
floor out of view.

Michael jumps back up and starts running again.

KITCHEN

He runs around the kitchen island a few times making
screeching sounds.

HALLWAY

He ricochets back and forth off of the walls making more
fighting sounds.

MICHAEL'S BEDROOM

Michael runs around the room that is decorated with posters
and stickers on the walls. His toys can be seen scattered
along the floor and the comforter on the bed has a character
in a heroic pose.

Michael stops and looks down at the floor.

He focuses on a new figure, then reaches down to grab it
while tossing the castoff away.

HALLWAY

Michael skids around the corner then bolts towards the door
at the end of the hallway. His cape raises and covers the
view then a bright light flashes.

INT. LANCASTER HOME - NIGHT

BEDROOM

Michael crawls onto the bed and starts jumping.

SUSAN (O.S.)
Michael! What did I tell you?

Michael freezes, turns his head to his side then raises his
hands up in the air as if he gives up.

SUSAN (O.S.) (CONTíD)
Quit jumping on the bed.

Michael laughs, jumps onto the floor and runs out of the
bedroom, screeching a high pitch laugh.

Susan comes out of the closet with assorted ties on her arm.

SUSAN (CONTíD)
Wow babe, itís been a while since
youíve wore any of these.

SEAN is standing in front of a mirror adjusting his shirt.
His frustration show in his actions.

SEAN
I think they are making these
things smaller.

Sean takes a peek at Susan's reflection in the mirror,
expecting to catch her mocking him.

SEAN (CONTíD)
No comment.

SUSAN
What? I didn't say anything.

Susan holds a tie up to Seanís shirt as they both look in the
mirror.

SUSAN (CONTíD)
I like this one.

Sean sneers and shakes his head.
SUSAN (CONTíD)
I think you will look very
professional.

SEAN
I don't want to choke to death.

Susan holds a different tie up to his shirt.

SUSAN
What about this one?

Sean starts to unbutton his shirt.

SEAN
Forget it. I'm going to be
comfortable.

Sean goes into the closet and Susan starts to pout.

SUSAN
Babe, you need to wear a tie, at
least to the interview.

Sean comes out of the closet with a different shirt.

SEAN
See, now this is just as nice and
I'm not about to suffocate.

SUSAN
Well I think you look handsome with
a tie.

Sean rolls his eyes with a compromising gesture.

SEAN
Baby, I'm wearing the jacket.

SUSAN
Just once, I would like it if you
wore one for me.

Susan throws the ties on the dresser then fixes Sean's collar
while he messes with the cuffs.

SUSAN (CONTíD)
Just imagine when we go to the
movie, you can say, I wrote
that music.

SEAN
They have to hire me first
baby.

Susan pats Sean on the chest then steps towards the bed.

SUSAN
I know your going to get it.

Sean grabs a tie, turns quickly and wraps it around Susanís
waist then pulls her to him.

SUSAN (CONTíD)
Oh, I like it when your aggressive.

SEAN
I wish I was as calm as you.

Susan wraps her arms around Sean's neck and they kiss.

MICHAEL (O.S.)
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Michael dashes into the room grabbing their legs.

SEAN
Oh my gosh, there's a troll loose.
Hold on baby, I will save you from
this vicious creature.

Michael laughs and tries to take off but Sean picks him up
and carries him out of the room.

Susan peeks around the doorway down the hallway.

SUSAN
He needs a bath!

INT. LANCASTER HOME Ė NIGHT

MICHAEL'S BEDROOM

Michael jumps on the bed and tucks his feet into the sheets.

SEAN
Good night buddy.

Sean starts to tuck him in.

MICHAEL
Dad, smell my breath.

Michael opens his mouth wide and Sean kneels down beside the
bed to smell.

SEAN
Mm, you got em clean.

MICHAEL
Yep. Ooo Dad, guess what?

SEAN
Whatís that buddy?

MICHAEL
(with wide eyes)
Bruce Wayne is Batman.

SEAN
Oh my gosh.
Sean looks around the room then leans in to Michael.

SEAN (CONTíD)
You better keep it a secret.

Michael pretends to zip his mouth.

MICHAEL
Yep, cause the bad guys will find
the bat cave under his house.

Michael pauses for a moment to think then licks his lips.

MICHAEL (CONTíD)
And then they might hurt Alfred.

Sean is listening patiently while slowly lowering Michael
into the bed.

SEAN
Alright buddy, I love you, good
night.

Sean kisses him on the forehead. Sean raises up walks towards
the door then starts to close it.

MICHAEL
Dad!

Sean peeks back into the room.

SEAN
Yeah buddy?

MICHAEL
I love you.

SEAN
I love you too, good night.

INT. LANCASTER HOME Ė NIGHT

LIVING ROOM

Sean is playing his piano and writing notes on paper.

Susan walks into the room with a hand full of toys.

SUSAN
Owe! Damn it!

Susan bends over then raises back up with another toy.

SUSAN (CONTíD)
That boy is a mess.

Susan notices the music from the piano then puts the toys on
a chair. She slowly moves towards Sean while he continues to
play.

SUSAN (CONTíD)
What is that?

As Susan reaches Sean, she starts rubbing his shoulders.

SEAN
Something I just came up with.

Sean stops playing and turns around on the bench to see Susan
with a concerned but almost hypnotized face.

SEAN (CONTíD)
Whatís wrong baby?

Sean hugs her with his head against her stomach as she combs
his hair with her fingers.

SUSAN
Nothing itís beautiful.

Sean looks back up to Susan who is on the verge of tears.

SUSAN (CONTíD)
Itís so sad.

SEAN
Maybe I finally found my niche.

Susan smirks then nudges him in defense that he is making fun
of her.

SUSAN
Címon letís go to bed.

Susan pulls Seanís arm to lead him out of the room then he
turns off the light.

INT. COFFEE HOUSE Ė DAY

The coffee house is full of people sitting at tables working
on lap tops, reading papers, and visiting. Others are lining
up to order.

Sean is standing in line looking up at the menu. A set of
keys fall behind him hitting the floor. CHING!

WOMAN (O.S.)
Damn it!

Sean kneels down reaching for the keys.

SEAN
I got em.

As he rises up his eyes follow a pair of high heels to long
legs then a tight skirt.

Sean stands up and holds the keys out to a very attractive
woman.

SEAN (CONTíD)
Here you go.

Sean gazes at her with a blank expression.

GINA
(seductively)
Thank you.

Gina slowly retrieves her keys from Sean's hand.

COUNTER PERSON (O.S.)
Can I help you sir?
(raised voice)
Sir!

Sean comes out of his gaze and turns quickly to the counter
trying to think of what he was going to order.

SEAN
Yes, let me get a, uh, vanilla
hazel nut latte.

Gina moves in beside Sean and quickly orders. Sean returns to
his gaze.

GINA
Iíll have a white chocolate mocha.

Gina pays for their order then turns to Sean and smiles.

GINA (CONTíD)
For the gentleman.

Gina reaches her hand out to Sean.

GINA (CONTíD)
Gina.

SEAN
Nice to meet you.

Sean looks at their hands as they shake.

SEAN (CONTíD)
Wow! Nice grip.

GINA
Yes well, I can't stand people that
give you the limp fish.

Sean raises his eyebrows in surprise.

SEAN
I've never heard of that.

GINA
You have a good grip yourself.

Gina continues to hold onto Sean's hand.

GINA (CONTíD)
And your name was?

Sean turns into a goofy clumsy state.

SEAN
Oh sorry. I'm uh.... Sean.

Gina laughs at his boyish manner.

GINA
Very nice to meet you Sean.

Gina releases his hand then reaches up to his neck.

GINA (CONTíD)
Love the tie.

She straightens it for him.
Sean looks down and pets his tie with no response.

Their orders come up and Sean quickly retrieves them then
hands Gina her drink.

GINA (CONTíD)
Thank you. So Sean, where are you
off too?

Sean turns to walk and Gina joins him.

SEAN
I have an important meeting this
morning.

GINA
Sweet, big things on the horizon?

SEAN
So far so good. Its with a movie
director.

GINA
Wow, are you an actor?

SEAN
(humbled)
Oh no no, I'm a musician, hopefully going to
compose some for a movie.

GINA
Really? Thatís very interesting.

Sean holds the door open for Gina as they exit.

EXT. COFFEE HOUSE Ė DAY - CONTINUOUS

SEAN
Why is that?

GINA
I play in an orchestra.

SEAN
Oh really? What instrument do you
play?

GINA
The violin.

SEAN
Beautiful.
(flirting)
Oh and the violin is nice also.

Gina giggles at him.

A city bus starts to pull off from the corner of the street.
Gina hurries to catch it.

GINA
Oh, wait! Wait! Damn.

She stops then looks at her watch.

GINA (CONTíD)
Iím going to be late. Damn it, not
again.

Sean catches up to her.

SEAN
Is everything alright?

GINA
No! I hate taking the damn bus, but
my car is being worked on and
well..

Gina stops and drops her head. She raises back up and pulls
her hair back.

GINA (CONTíD)
I'm sure you don't want to hear
about it.

SEAN
It's okay. Look, I can give you a
ride.

GINA
Can you? Iím just going over to
Sandstone. Itís over..

As Gina points Sean interrupts her.

SEAN
Thatís where Iím going.

Gina turns her head slowly.

GINA
Really?

hillwalker3000

  • Guest
Re: Introduction to my screenplay
« Reply #1 on: December 19, 2013, 05:43:14 PM »
The opening scene made no sense until I realised Michael was a child. Even then I was left wondering why you chose to open with the antics of a hyperactive child since this is not a children's movie. You're expecting your readers/viewers to have a great deal of patience.

Then we have a guy choosing which tie to wear followed by him putting his son to bed - complete with slushy dialogue. Then he's in a coffee house ordering coffee and discussing handshakes.

I got bored and quickly decided to stop reading since nothing is happening.

So, you may have gathered that this is not working - although that's a personal opinion. Would I pay to sit and watch this? No, because you didn't manage to hook me.

H3K

Offline mdfidelity

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 48
Re: Introduction to my screenplay
« Reply #2 on: December 19, 2013, 06:03:20 PM »
I appreciate your opinion. I guess i pay to much attention to my kids. Michael is an important character in the story. This was my first draft and i wanted to see if i got some of the same responses that i do when i re read this draft. Thanks

Offline 2par

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4740
Re: Introduction to my screenplay
« Reply #3 on: December 20, 2013, 03:47:42 PM »
mdfidelity - This is full of problems. Formatting is wrong, but that's okay, because it can be fixed later. If it's easier for you to write this way, then do it.

Another thing is grammar - eg: for example you're using 'your' instead of 'you're'. Remember the apostrophe is there for a reason. It's to take the place of one or more missing letters. Since you're, in effect, saying you are, then the contraction you're is used.

The main problem is that you don't know how a script is written. The writer writes the dialogue. The actors act. The director directs. The cameraman takes pretty pictures. The writer never tells the actor what to do, eg: hands on hips, kisses, sneers, shakes head, etc. The writer does not tell a child how to play. Children know how. Directors know what they want the child to do. etc. etc. etc. When a man meets a woman, he knows how to behave. Directors know what they want the actor to do.

Write the dialogue. Set the scene.  Interior.Coffee Shop. Day. The Director knows what a coffee shop is like. He will people it the way he pleases. It's not the Writer's job.

Get a good screenwriting manual.

Once you get the form right, you're going to find it will go more easily. You will be freed to develop the story.


Offline 2par

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4740
Re: Introduction to my screenplay
« Reply #4 on: December 20, 2013, 03:57:04 PM »
BTW - You have Michael drop one action figure to pick up another. I suspect that the new figure might "figure" into the story in some way. You would keep that particular action in, if that is the case.
Otherwise, you just have the child play through the different rooms of his house. The Director will choose which rooms.

Offline mdfidelity

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 48
Re: Introduction to my screenplay
« Reply #5 on: December 24, 2013, 07:36:47 PM »
Good help. In this first draft I did lose myself in just writing and no memory of what I read. I just kept writing and writing. I did go back over notes and one in particular book. The Screen writer's Bible. Now everything make sense on what to do. Back to the drawing board.

Offline JoeEnt2014

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 17
Re: Introduction to my screenplay
« Reply #6 on: December 24, 2013, 07:48:03 PM »
Yes mdfidelity, The Screenwriters Bible is a great book. Glad my mentor referred me to it. Please continue with the development of this story. Like I always say "to write is to rewrite".

Offline 2par

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4740
Re: Introduction to my screenplay
« Reply #7 on: December 24, 2013, 09:02:39 PM »
Yes, md.  just keep writing. You can always go back and edit out all unnecessary stuff.

Offline Banquo

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 28
Re: Introduction to my screenplay
« Reply #8 on: February 23, 2014, 09:27:49 AM »
Hi mdfidelity,

How did the Screenwriter's Bible go? I haven't read it myself. There are plenty of free scripts online to read in order to help familiarize yourself with the structure and essence of screenplays . I usually just pick my favorite films and go read the scripts.

I'm not an experienced script writer by the way. Just someone who is interested in film and loves a good story.


Offline mdfidelity

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 48
Re: Introduction to my screenplay
« Reply #9 on: February 23, 2014, 10:09:20 AM »
It is a good book to use. I refer back to it continuously. If you use face book Dave also keeps you updated on new answers to peoples current questions.

Offline Jackson_Leigh

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 110
  • My life in a nutshell...
Re: Introduction to my screenplay
« Reply #10 on: February 28, 2014, 09:33:38 PM »
Hello,

You have an idea here but to be honest I couldn't keep up with what was happening. It was very confusing and I got bored quick. My first piece of advice is to read scripts, see how professionals handle story and characters. Formatting is an important factor when writing a screenplay. Hope you can make some changes for the better and can't wait to see more of you on the board.

Jackson
Wait... What is a signature?

Offline mdfidelity

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 48
Re: Introduction to my screenplay
« Reply #11 on: March 02, 2014, 07:52:10 PM »
     I have been trying make the corrections from my first post. Thank you for any help or suggestions.               

                   INT. LANCASTER HOME - NIGHT - LIVING ROOM

                   MICHAEL, 5 years old, stands in a heroic pose with a cape
                   around his neck.

                                                MICHAEL

                                     Wait till they get a load of me.

                   He takes off running with action figures in each hand
                   simulating that they are flying.

                                                MICHAEL (CONTíD)
                                     You can't defeat me!

                   He smashes the two figures against each other as he continues 
                   to run.

                   MICHAEL'S BEDROOM

                   Michael continues running around his room that is decorated
                   with posters and stickers on the walls.

                   His toys can be seen scattered along the floor.

                   Michael stops and looks down at the floor.

                   He focuses on a new figure, then reaches down to grab it
                   while tossing the castoff away.

                   HALLWAY

                   Michael skids around the corner then bolts towards the door
                   at the end of the hallway.

                   His cape raises and then a bright light flashes.

                   INT. LANCASTER HOME - NIGHT - BEDROOM

                   Michael crawls onto the bed and starts jumping.

                                               SUSAN (O.S.)
                                    Michael! Quit!

                   Michael laughs, jumps onto the floor and runs out of the
                   bedroom, screeching a high pitch laugh.

                   SUSAN, 30 with no need for much make up to show her beauty,
                   comes out of the closet with assorted ties on her arm.

                                               SUSAN (CONTíD)
                                    It's been a while since you have worn
                                    any of these.

                   SEAN, early thirties and attractively fit, is standing in
                   front of a mirror adjusting his shirt. His frustration shows
                   in his actions.

                                                SEAN
                                    I think they are making these things smaller.

                   Sean takes a peek at Susan's reflection in the mirror,
                   expecting to catch her mocking him.

                                                SEAN (CONTíD)
                                    No comment.

                                                SUSAN

                                    What? I didn't say anything.

                   Susan holds a tie up to Sean's shirt as they both look in the mirror.

                                                SUSAN (CONTíD)
                                    I like this one.

                                                SEAN
                                    I don't want to choke to death.

                    Susan holds a different tie up to his shirt.

                                                SUSAN
                                    What about this one?

                                                SEAN
                                    I'm not wearing a tie.

                    Sean heads to the closet.

                                                SUSAN
                                    At least to the interview.

                    Sean comes out of the closet with a different shirt.

                                                SEAN
                                    See, now this is just as nice and I
                                    don't have to suffocate.

                                                SUSAN
                                    I think you would look handsome.

                                                SEAN
                                    Baby, I'm wearing the jacket.

                     Susan throws the ties on the dresser then fixes Sean's collar
                     while he adjusts the cuffs.

                                                SUSAN
                                    Just imagine when we go to the
                                    movie, you can say, I wrote
                                    that music.

                                                SEAN
                                    They have to hire me first baby.

                    Susan pats Sean on the chest then steps towards the bed.

                                                SUSAN
                                    Your going to get it.

                    Sean grabs a tie, turns quickly and wraps it around Susan's waist then pulls her to him.

                                                SUSAN (CONTíD)
                                    Oh, I like it when your aggressive.

                    Susan wraps her arms around Sean's neck and they kiss.

                                                MICHAEL (O.S.)
                                    No!

                    Michael dashes into the room grabbing their legs.

                                                SEAN
                                    Oh my gosh, there's a troll loose.
                                    Hold on baby, I will save you from
                                    this vicious creature.

                    Sean moves Susan behind guarding her.

                    Sean and Michael start circling while staring each other down.

                                                SEAN (CONTíD)
                                    Come on you vile creature and meet your doom.

                    Michael laughs and tries to take off but Sean quickly picks
                    him up and carries him out of the room.

                    Susan peeks around the door, down the hallway.

                                                SUSAN
                                    He needs a bath!

                    INT. LANCASTER HOME Ė NIGHT - MICHAEL'S BEDROOM

                    Michael jumps on the bed and tucks his feet into the sheets.

                                                SEAN
                                   Good night buddy. Sean starts to tuck him in.

                                                MICHAEL
                                   Dad, smell my breath.

                    Michael opens his mouth wide and Sean kneels down.

                                                SEAN
                                   You got em clean.

                                                MICHAEL
                                   Yep. Oh Dad, guess what?

                                                SEAN
                                   What's that buddy?

                                                MICHAEL
                                   Bruce Wayne is Batman.

                                                SEAN
                                   Oh my gosh.

                    Sean looks around the room then leans in to Michael.

                                                SEAN (CONTíD)
                                   You better keep it a secret.

                    Michael pretends to zip his mouth.

                                                SEAN (CONTíD)
                                   Alright buddy, I love you, good
                                   night.

                    Sean kisses him on the forehead. Sean raises up walks towards
                    the door then starts to close it.

                                                MICHAEL
                                    Dad.

                    Sean peeks back into the room.

                                                SEAN
                                    Yeah buddy?

                                                MICHAEL
                                    I love you.

                                                SEAN
                                    I love you too, good night.

                    INT. LANCASTER HOME Ė LIVING - NIGHT

                    Sean is sitting at his piano staring at the music above the
                    keys.

                    There is not a title at the top of the page.

                    He rubs his feet on the carpet then grips it with his toes.

                    Sean holds his hands up in front of his face then lowers them
                    down to the keys of the piano and begins to play.

                    Susan walks into the room with a hand full of toys. She
                    stumbles over something.

                                               SUSAN
                                    Ow! Damn it!

                    Susan bends over to retrieve another toy.

                                               SUSAN (CONTíD)
                                    That boy is a mess.

                    The music from the piano gains Susan's attention. She puts
                    the toys on a chair then moves slowly towards Sean while he
                    continues to play.

                                               SUSAN (CONTíD)
                                    What is that?

                    As Susan reaches Sean, she starts rubbing his shoulders. Sean
                    is startled but also relieved by the massage.

                                               SEAN
                                    Something I've be working on. Oh,
                                    that feels good.

                    Sean stops playing and turns around on the bench and notices
                    Susan with a concerned but almost hypnotized face.

                                               SEAN (CONTíD)
                                    What's wrong baby?

                    Sean hugs her with his head against her stomach as she combs
                    his hair with her fingers.

                                               SUSAN
                                    Nothing it's beautiful.

                    Sean looks back up to Susan who is on the verge of tears.

                                               SUSAN (CONTíD)
                                    It's so sad.

                                               SEAN
                                    Maybe I finally found my niche.

                    Susan smirks then nudges him in defense that he is making fun
                    of her.

                                               SUSAN
                                    Come on let's go to bed.

                     Susan pulls Sean's arm to lead him out of the room then he
                     turns off the light.

                     INT. COFFEE HOUSE Ė DAY

                    Sean is standing in line looking up at the menu.

                    A set of keys fall behind him hitting the floor. CHING.

                                               GINA (O.S.)
                                    Damn it!

                    Sean kneels down reaching for the keys.

                                               SEAN
                                    I got em.

                    As he rises up his eyes follow a pair of high heels to long
                    legs and then a tailored skirt.

                    Sean stands up and gazes at GINA, early thirties, a beautiful
                    professional woman, then slowly holds the keys to her.

                                               SEAN (CONTíD)
                                    Here you go.

                    Sean gains a little composure to realize he is staring her
                    down.

                                               GINA
                                    Thank you.

                    Gina slowly retrieves her keys from Sean's hand.

                                               COUNTER PERSON (O.S.)
                                    Can I help you sir? Sir!

                    Sean turns quickly to the counter.

                                               SEAN
                                    Yes, let me get a, uh, vanilla
                                    hazelnut latte.

                    Gina moves in beside Sean and quickly orders.

                                               GINA
                                    I'll have a white chocolate mocha.

                    Gina pays for their order then turns to Sean and smiles.

                                               SEAN
                                    What are you doing? You don't have
                                    to.

                                               GINA
                                    No, my treat for the gentleman.

                                               SEAN
                                    You're very sweet.

                    Gina reaches her hand out to Sean.

                                               GINA
                                    Gina.

                                               SEAN

                                    Nice to meet you.

                     Sean looks at their hands as they shake.

                                               SEAN (CONTíD)
                                    Wow! Nice grip.

                     Gina continues to hold onto Sean's hand.

                                               GINA
                                    And your name was?

                                               SEAN
                                    Oh sorry. I'm uh.... Sean.

                    Gina is amused of his boyish manner.

                                               GINA
                                    Very nice to meet you Sean.

                     Gina reaches up to his neck.

                                               GINA (CONTíD)
                                    Love the tie.

                    She straightens it for him. Sean looks down and pets his tie
                    with a guilty response.

                    Their orders come up and Gina quickly retrieves them then
                    hands Sean his drink.

                                               GINA (CONTíD)
                                    So Sean, where are you off to?

                    Sean turns to walk away and Gina quickly joins him.

                                                SEAN
                                    I have an important meeting this
                                    morning.

                                                GINA
                                    Sweet, big things on the horizon?

                                                SEAN
                                    Maybe, it's with a movie director.

                                                GINA
                                    Wow, are you an actor?

                                                SEAN
                                    Oh no no, I'm a musician.

                                                GINA
                                    Outstanding. I'm guessing to do the
                                    music for a feature?

                                                SEAN
                                    Yeah, hopefully.

                                                GINA
                                    What instruments do you play?

                                                SEAN
                                     Everything.

                                     Sean holds the door open for Gina as they exit.

                                                SEAN (CONTíD)
                                     I don't mean to sound arrogant,
                                     it's just I really can play any
                                     instrument.

                    EXT. COFFEE HOUSE Ė DAY - CONTINUOUS

                                                GINA
                                    Don't apologize. I think that is
                                    worth bragging about. I only play
                                    one instrument.

                    Sean is even more interested.

                                                SEAN
                                    Which one?

                                                GINA
                                    The violin.

                                                SEAN
                                    Beautiful, oh and the violin is
                                    nice also.

                    Gina is amused by his flirtation.

                                                GINA
                                    Thank you.

                                                SEAN
                                    Have you ever done anything with
                                    it?

                                                GINA
                                    Yes. I play in an orchestra... oh
                                    no, no.

                    A city bus starts to pull off from the corner of the street.

                    Gina hurries to catch it.

                                                GINA (CONTíD)
                                    Oh, wait! Wait! No, no.

                    She stops then looks at her watch.

                                                GINA (CONTíD)
                                    I'm going to be late. Damn it, not
                                    again.

                    Sean catches up to her.

                                                SEAN
                                    Is everything alright?

                                                GINA
                                    No! I hate taking the damn bus, but
                                    my car is being worked on. I'm
                                    sorry. I'm sure you don't want to
                                    hear about it.

                                                SEAN
                                    It's okay. Look, I can give you a
                                    ride.

                                                GINA
                                    Can you? I'm just going over to
                                    Sandstone. It's over..

                                    As Gina points Sean interrupts her.

                                                SEAN
                                    That's where I'm going.

                                                GINA
                                    Really?   

hillwalker3000

  • Guest
Re: Introduction to my screenplay
« Reply #12 on: March 03, 2014, 07:15:09 AM »
Michael is 5 years old but I'm not hearing a 5 year-old's voice.
                                   
 Wait till they get a load of me.
 You can't defeat me!


Also, for an opening scene for a movie it's quite boring. Watching a kid fantasising being a super-hero. Where's it leading?

                   His cape raises and then a bright light flashes.
Did he just get beamed up to Planet Krypton?

So far I don't see any point in opening with this scene.

You also need to forget about stuff like this:

    SUSAN, 30 with no need for much make up to show her beauty
SEAN, early thirties and attractively fit

Make-up and casting is not your job - stick with writing convincing dialogue.

                   Susan holds a tie up to Sean's shirt as they both look in the mirror.
                                               SUSAN (CONTíD)
                                    I like this one.
                                                SEAN
                                    I don't want to choke to death.
                    Susan holds a different tie up to his shirt.

Surely all ties are the same - they only choke you if you fasten the knot too tightly.

Ok - overall I'm getting domestic bliss. A lot of it. And some nice piano music. Then Sean gets picked up by the female lead (supposedly) in a cheesy set-up that's too good to be true. It makes things a lot easier for you as far as the plot is concerned having stuff happen this way, but I need more from a movie.

                                               SEAN (CONTíD)
                                    Wow! Nice grip.

What is she? A pro golfer?

So far all we have is build-up. Some of it so slow. Some of it too much of a coincidence to take seriously.
You write well enough but the plot has barely put in an appearance. Maybe that's me being impatient.

H3K

Offline mdfidelity

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 48
Re: Introduction to my screenplay
« Reply #13 on: March 03, 2014, 12:46:56 PM »
This all helps tremendously. I meant for Michael to be using acting voices from his super hero movies. Little kids are like recorders, they hear then they repeat, so yes I have heard 5 yr old children do this.

I was told to write from experiences, so that is what I am doing.

I believe that I was given the advice from here to tell the ages, or age range to the characters. I was trying to describe the characters without to much, such as hair color or specifics.

For the pick-up, yes this has actually happened to me. I did write some other elaborate scene, but then I remembered certain occasions and thought to myself to keep it simple.

I feel the opening scene is very important for the rest of the story, but I will take the advice to ad more drama. Please keep the comments coming.

Thank you.

Offline Claus Angelo

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 229
  • Coffee is addicted to me.
Re: Introduction to my screenplay
« Reply #14 on: March 05, 2014, 04:05:51 AM »
Well, it all depends on the director and how good he is not to bore his viewers with this opening scene. What concerns me most is the dialogue (which should concern you as well): it's nothing special. Maybe you're hiding your wittiest of puns further in the script, but so far, I didn't read anything especially amazing. An overly flirtatious woman and a man in his 30's that stumbles like a teenager. Come to think of it, teens nowadays can handle something like this better than he does. And then, BAM! he's flirting too.

Also, Susan sounds kinda irritating. Gina comes off as an hoe. Sean, apart from a cute moment with his son, comes off as a loser AND a cheater. If you're going to put Sean in a moral dilemma of choosing between his family and his new flirt, you better make the characters endearing, or else no one will care with whom he ends up with.

On a positive note, now you know how to format a script. It looks much better now. Kudos for that.
VENI∑VIDI∑VERTI