Author Topic: Finding Abby (821) part five / repaired - block #14  (Read 8374 times)

Offline Skip Slocum

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Finding Abby (821) part five / repaired - block #14
« on: December 10, 2013, 07:50:51 PM »
I waited a few days trying to make sure I wan't crowding anyone. I don't seem to be doing that.
Although this is in the gallery, please, if you have an opinion or spot something that is jarring or just want to chat about writing, jump me.  ;D

See Block #14 for updated repairs.

Finding Abby (821) part five

This was the best day he’d had in a long time. No one poked a Colt or Remington in his face. No one tried to cut his horse out from under him, bushwhack or steal his mule. And no one was lying face down in the dirt after discovering they weren’t faster than he was.  

Waiting until the boys finished their dinner, Jake helped organize the wash and rinse dish pans. The boys washed their own plates, cups and spoons – placing them in their assigned cubby. One by one they thanked him. “Good night Jake.”

“Good night boys.” Jake pushed a few more chairs under the table. He looked up in time to see Miss Abby set a small stack of dishes on the counter in the kitchen.  He blew out the last candle in the dining hall and walked to the doorway she seemed to be busying herself adjusting the clean plates to some unseen orientation.

“My mother said you can stay.”

Jake liked the way she glanced at him. “My apple crumble?” He blew out one of the four remaining candles.

Abby nodded. “You have to promise not to enter an apple pie in the county fare bake off.”

“When is it?” Jake blew out another candle and slowly walked around the butcher’s block.

“Next month.” Abby blew out one of the remaining candles then stepped to the back door.

Jake took one final look around to make sure he’d put everything away before blowing out the last candle. He noticed Abby was holding the screen open for him. There wasn’t enough moonlight to see her face but her shadowed outline showed him she didn’t seem to be in any hurry to get away. “Walk you back?”

“Please.”

That seemed to be a good sign. Jake clasped his hands behind his back as they slowly strolled across the yard. Trying to think of an excuse or a way to be around her, he wanted to ask if she’d consider going riding with him someday soon – just to show him around. However, he figured she might misinterpret his meaning, thinking he was being fresh – considering what happened that morning.

They got to the white fence that surrounded her house. Jake unlatched the gate and pushed it open for her, refusing to go any farther himself.

“Thank you for dinner.”

“My pleasure.” Jake wanted to say something more but only an awkward silence loomed.

“Good night Jake.”

“Night Miss Abagail.” He waited until she walked inside before he turned to go back to his room behind the kitchen. They followed just about the same footsteps the next night. And by the third and fourth night it had become a welcome pattern. Their conversations were getting longer and their strolling got slower every night.

During the day, Abby held two classes under the trees outside the schoolhouse. Since the orphanage was a working ranch half the boys took to morning chores and afternoon classes.

Jake was glad the shade trees where she held class were close enough he could hear her voice while he worked.  Mr. Owens would stop off in the kitchen for more coffee throughout the day. He seemed to notice Miss Abby glanced more and more toward the back window of the kitchen. He didn’t say anything about it but behind his cup there seemed to be a knowing smirk.

Three weeks later on an early Saturday morning, the boys had just finished their breakfast and left the hall to move the cattle to taller grass. Miss Abby appeared at the back door. “Would you care to go riding with me this morning?”

Usually Jake enjoyed making her blush by looking at her a little too closely but this time Abby caught him off guard with her question. He didn’t say anything as he pushed on her fingertips through the screen. She stood there a moment but didn’t wait on his answer and walked toward the stables. She glanced back as he pushed open the door to follow. She knew his answer. She also knew he’d do almost anything she asked.

Jake wasn’t used to a woman having that kind of power where he was concerned. Part of him wasn’t comfortable with it while part of him was glad. And glad she knew exactly what she was doing. This situation between them wasn't entirely one sided either – he recognized a few invisible strands he could pull and she clearly enjoyed the light tugs.

They clearly wanted more from each other but with twenty or so unwitting chaperones always around, Jake knew decorum built a separation between them they had to maintain – much like the screen door with her on the other side. She was always so very close but un-touching.

Abby wore gauchos so she cinched a stock saddle to her horse and kicked heels to her mount leaving Jake behind – daring him to catch up and find her.
« Last Edit: December 11, 2013, 06:15:14 PM by Skip Slocum »

Offline bri h

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Re: Finding Abby (821) part five
« Reply #1 on: December 10, 2013, 08:10:55 PM »
I waited a few days trying to make sure I wan't crowding anyone. I don't seem to be doing that.
Although this is in the gallery, please, if you have an opinion or spot something that is jarring or just want to chat about writing, jump me.  ;D

Finding Abby (821) part five

This was the best day he’d had in a long time. No one poked a Colt or Remington in his face. No one tried to cut his horse out from under him, bushwhack or steal his mule. And no one was lying face down in the dirt after discovering they weren’t faster than he was. 

Waiting until the boys finished their dinner, Jake helped organize the wash and rinse dish pans. The boys washed their own plates, cups and spoons – placing them in their assigned cubby-holes?. One by one they thanked him. “Good night Jake.”

“Good night boys.” Jake pushed a few more chairs under the table. He looked up in time to see Miss Abby set a small stack of dishes on the counter in the kitchen.  He blew out the last candle in the dining hall and walked to the doorway, she seemed to be busying herself adjusting the clean plates to some unseen orientation. (orientation?)

“My mother said you can stay.”

Jake liked the way she glanced at him. “My apple crumble?” He blew out one of the four remaining candles.

Abby nodded. “You have to promise not to enter an apple pie in the county fare bake off.”

“When is it?” Jake blew out another candle and slowly walked around the butcher’s block.

“Next month.” Abby blew out one of the remaining candles then stepped to the back door. (there seems to be a lot of 'remaining candles?)

Jake took one final look around to make sure he’d put everything away before blowing out the last candle. He noticed Abby was holding the screen open for him. There wasn’t enough moonlight to see her face but her shadowed outline showed him she didn’t seem to be in any hurry to get away. “Walk you back?”

“Please.”

That seemed to be a good sign. Jake clasped his hands behind his back as they slowly strolled across the yard. Trying to think of an excuse or a way to be around her, he wanted to ask if she’d consider going riding with him someday soon – just to show him around. However, he figured she might misinterpret his meaning, thinking he was being fresh – considering what happened that morning.

They got to the white fence that surrounded her house. Jake unlatched the gate and pushed it open for her, refusing to go any farther himself.

“Thank you for dinner.”

“My pleasure.” Jake wanted to say something more but only an awkward silence loomed.

“Good night Jake.”

“Night Miss Abagail.” He waited until she walked inside before he turned to go back to his room behind the kitchen. (Next night, she waited again for him to walk her home?) They followed just about the same footsteps the next night. And by the third and fourth night it had become a welcome pattern. Their conversations were getting longer and their strolling got slower every night.

During the day, Abby held two classes under the trees outside the schoolhouse. Since the orphanage was a working ranch half the boys took to morning chores and afternoon classes.

Jake was glad the shade trees where she held class were close enough he could to hear her voice while he worked.  Mr. Owens would stop off in the kitchen for more coffee throughout the day. He seemed to notice Miss Abby glanced more and more toward the back window of the kitchen. He didn’t say anything about it but behind his cup (cup?) there seemed to be a knowing smirk.

Three weeks later, on an early Saturday morning, the boys had just finished their breakfast and left the hall to move the cattle to taller grass. Miss Abby appeared at the back door. “Would you care to go riding with me this morning?”

Usually Jake enjoyed making her blush by looking at her a little too closely but this time Abby caught him off guard with her question. He didn’t say anything as he pushed on her fingertips through the screen. She stood there a moment but didn’t wait on his answer and walked toward the stables. She glanced back as he pushed open the door to follow. She knew his answer. She also knew he’d do almost anything she asked. (How did she know? You haven't written any evidence of it. So far all they've done is walk and talk)

Jake wasn’t used to a woman having that kind of power where he was concerned. Part of him wasn’t comfortable with it while part of him was glad. And glad she knew exactly what she was doing. This situation between them was entirely one sided either – he recognized a few invisible strands he could pull and she clearly enjoyed the light tugs. (clunky and not easy to understand)

They clearly wanted more from each other but with twenty or so unwitting chaperones always around, Jake knew decorum built a separation between them they had to maintain – much like the screen door with her on the other side. She was always so very close but un-touching.

Abby wore gauchos so she cinched a stock saddle to her horse and kicked heels to her mount leaving Jake behind – daring him to catch up and find her. (Am not familiar with 'gauchos' or a 'stock saddle?')


Just how I saw this as a reader Skip. Hope you didn't mind. And I also hope I'm right in a few of the remarks and puncts. B 

(still enjoyin the read)
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Finding Abby (821) part five
« Reply #2 on: December 10, 2013, 08:12:57 PM »
Awful lot of candle blowing -- which might be what's happening, but so many sound lazy . . . maybe the odd huff of breath extinguishing the flame, or snuffing one out by nipping the wick to add a little variety? :-\

He blew out the last candle in the dining hall and walked to the doorway she seemed to be busying herself adjusting the clean plates to some unseen orientation.

“My mother said you can stay.”

Jake liked the way she glanced at him. “My apple crumble?” He blew out one of the four remaining candles.

Abby nodded. “You have to promise not to enter an apple pie in the county fare bake off.”

“When is it?” Jake blew out another candle and slowly walked around the butcher’s block.

“Next month.” Abby blew out one of the remaining candles then stepped to the back door.

Jake took one final look around to make sure he’d put everything away before blowing out the last candle. He noticed Abby was holding the screen open for




They got to reached the white fence that surrounded her house.



Is this omni POV Skip? Couple of bits although they could be via Jake because of him reading her body language etc, seem a bit closer to Abby's POV than his.

She knew his answer. She also knew he’d do almost anything she asked. :-X

leaving Jake behind – daring him to catch up and find her. :-X

Offline wanderer

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Re: Finding Abby (821) part five
« Reply #3 on: December 10, 2013, 08:21:00 PM »
I thought this piece read a lot rougher than the earlier ones. Some sentence structure issues that I am sure others will critique.

I'm not sure if you want to mention Remington? They were known for long guns early on and I don't know what time period you are writing.

He blew out the last candle and then blew out more and more? Confused me.

The plot seems clear and consistant with the earlier pieces. All interesting. JMO

Offline wanderer

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Re: Finding Abby (821) part five
« Reply #4 on: December 10, 2013, 08:38:01 PM »
Another thought, Skip. I wonder if the dining area would have lanterns, rather than all those candles?

Offline Skip Slocum

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Re: Finding Abby (821) part five
« Reply #5 on: December 10, 2013, 08:48:36 PM »
Hey guys,  ;D So far you've given me some stuff to make sure its right.

The Remington -- I named it because it was what many rifles were called, that's why I named both Colt (for a pistol) and Remington.

The candles -- The candles in the dining hall were all blown out before he walked into the kitchen where there were four more. I suppose that part needs some work and it didn't come across as I intended. I was trying for the seductive prowl. He blows out one candle (in the kitchen) and prowls around the butcher's block. When she blew out one candle, I was hoping it denoted she was a willing participant in this game of 'the lights are going out and I'm not running away' kinda thing.

The POV thing -- I know I was pushing it (and may have pushed it too far) but I was going for 'I know that you know' -- I hope that makes sense.
Couldn't these be his suppositions? Don't you girls claim to know things about a guy without being told? and to that degree, can't guys just know some things?

Mind you I might have gone too far with this. pondering.  

Just saw the bit on the lanterns - yes lanterns might work too.

Offline bri h

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Re: Finding Abby (821) part five
« Reply #6 on: December 10, 2013, 08:57:42 PM »
Sorry Skip. You have to assume all readers are thick and need 'things' explainin.' ha ha. B (so that's me sorted then. ha ha)
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline Skip Slocum

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Re: Finding Abby (821) part five
« Reply #7 on: December 10, 2013, 08:58:56 PM »
 ;D

Offline wanderer

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Re: Finding Abby (821) part five
« Reply #8 on: December 10, 2013, 09:09:38 PM »
Yes, if you want to use candles, I think there needs more explanation. JMO

Offline Skip Slocum

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Re: Finding Abby (821) part five
« Reply #9 on: December 10, 2013, 09:13:09 PM »
Okay, I'm listening.

This is cool stuff, thank you. I try new stuff and you guys let me know when I've gone too far.

Offline bri h

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Re: Finding Abby (821) part five
« Reply #10 on: December 11, 2013, 03:29:13 PM »
This is just my opinion Skip. You could lose the candle scene altogether. She's already making her attraction to him, obvious, by the way she waits for him to walk her home each night. So she's obviously (to me) 'interested.' Unless unknown to us, it's how she 'breaks in' every new colt cook.  ;D
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline Skip Slocum

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Re: Finding Abby (821) part five
« Reply #11 on: December 11, 2013, 03:44:24 PM »
 ;D ;D that's why I had the last cook being her mother. -- Ma'am broked her's hip --

I've been trying to work with 'unspoken dialogue' between characters so before I ditch the candle scene/ event, let me try to refine it a bit more and see if I can add a missing nuance.

Pondering.

Offline bri h

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Re: Finding Abby (821) part five
« Reply #12 on: December 11, 2013, 03:47:11 PM »
As I wait for your pondering to finish and for you to get on with the story, I find I have a fishing hook with a worm stuck in my mouth. 'I'm waiting with baited-breath.'  ;D
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline Skip Slocum

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Re: Finding Abby (821) part five
« Reply #13 on: December 11, 2013, 03:51:57 PM »
 ;D ;) I'm working it. Still trying to ease off the jaring on the POV stuff. I like Jake/the narrator to assume to a degree but but not so far as to head-hop.

Then at 3pm the little boy I take care of after school shows up and I have to get him settled with his gang up -shootem down combat games before I get to focus on this but-but, I'm on it.  ;D

Listening to this while I ponder.

http://www.pandora.com/station/play/1618814084598113319
« Last Edit: December 11, 2013, 03:55:40 PM by Skip Slocum »

Offline Skip Slocum

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Re: Finding Abby (821) part five
« Reply #14 on: December 11, 2013, 06:13:22 PM »
Okay I went through this again and used what you guys pinged me on as well. I'm pretty sure I got the POV thing under control and hopefully cleaned up those clunky bits.  ;D


...
Waiting until the boys finished their dinner, Jake helped organize the wash and rinse dish pans. The boys washed their own plates, cups and spoons – placing them in their assigned cubby. One by one they thanked him. “Good night Jake.”

“Good night boys.” Jake pushed a few more chairs under the table. He looked up in time to see Miss Abby set a small stack of dishes on the counter in the kitchen.  He blew out the lamps in the dining hall and walked to the doorway she seemed to be busying herself adjusting the clean plates to some unrecognizable orientation.

“My mother said you can stay.”

Jake liked the way she glanced at him. “My apple crumble?” He blew out one of the three remaining lamps in the kitchen.

Abby nodded. “You have to promise not to enter an apple pie in the county fair bake off.”

“When is it?” Jake blew out another lamp and slowly walked around the butcher’s block.

“Next month.” Abby blew out the remaining lamp then stepped to the back door.

He was just going to stand there in the dark until he noticed Abby holding the screen open for him. There wasn’t enough moonlight to see her face but her shadowed outline showed him she didn’t seem to be in any hurry to get away. “Walk you back?”

“Please.” She clasped her hands behind her back and turned quick enough the hem of her dress billowed for a second before wrapping inward.

Her waiting and the dance like move seemed to be a good sign. Jake clasped his hands behind his back as well while they slowly strolled across the yard. Trying to think of an excuse or a way to be around her more, he wanted to ask if she’d consider going riding with him someday soon. However, he figured she might misinterpret his meaning, thinking he was being fresh – considering what had happened that morning.

They reached the white fence that surrounded her house. Jake unlatched the gate and pushed it open for her, refusing to go any farther himself.

“Thank you for the dinner.”

“My pleasure.” Jake wanted to say something more but only an awkward silence loomed.

“Good night Jake.”

“Night Miss Abagail.” He waited until she walked inside before he turned to go back to his room behind the kitchen. Next night, she waited again for him to walk her home. They followed just about the same routine and footsteps the night after that. By the fourth and fifth night walking her home had become a welcome pattern. Their conversations got longer and their strolling slower. They seemed to wander instead of heading straight for her gate.

During the day, Abby held two classes under the trees outside the schoolhouse. Since the orphanage was a working ranch half the boys took to morning chores and afternoon classes.

Jake was glad the shade trees where she held class were close enough to hear her voice while he worked.  Mr. Owens would stop off in the kitchen for more coffee throughout the day. He seemed to notice Miss Abby glanced more and more toward the kitchen window. He didn’t say anything but behind his cup there seemed to be a knowing smirk.

Three weeks later, on an early Saturday morning, the boys had just finished their breakfast and left the hall to buck hay or move the cattle to taller grass. Miss Abby appeared at the back door. “Would you care to go riding with me this morning?”

Usually Jake enjoyed making her blush by looking at her a little too closely but this time Abby caught him off guard with her question and the way she looked at him. He didn’t say anything as he pushed on her fingertips through the screen. She stood there a moment then walked away not waiting for an answer. She headed toward the stables and glanced back as he pushed open the door to follow. She had to have known what his answer would be. By now she also had to have known he’d do almost anything she asked.

Jake wasn’t used to a woman having that kind of power where he was concerned. Part of him wasn’t comfortable with it while part of him enjoyed the dizzying effect. And he was pretty sure she knew exactly what she was doing to him as well. This situation between them wasn’t entirely one sided either – he recognized a few invisible strands he could pull and she clearly enjoyed their bantering games of, you think you have won but you have not.

Clearly they wanted more from each other but with twenty or so unwitting chaperones around, Jake knew decorum built an invisible separation between them – much like the screen door with her always on the other side. She was invariably close but just out of reach.

Abby wore black skirted gauchos and cinched a stock saddle to her horse. Walking the filly out to the quadrangle, she mounted and kicked heels to her mount leaving Jake behind – almost daring him to catch up and find her. Jake hadn’t played a game of chase me with a girl since he was a boy yet this was by far more exciting considering the possibilities.
« Last Edit: December 11, 2013, 06:48:33 PM by Skip Slocum »