Author Topic: More Tool of the Trade / part two (780)  (Read 6063 times)

Offline Skip Slocum

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Re: More Tool of the Trade / part two (780)
« Reply #15 on: November 29, 2013, 11:39:13 PM »
 ;D ;D Whee haw! "Luke, come to the dark side . . ."  ;D

Offline 2par

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Re: More Tool of the Trade / part two (780)
« Reply #16 on: November 30, 2013, 07:20:36 AM »
Siobahn, Hawthorne wrote a lot of sad stuff, but it was said he was a very happy person.

Offline Gyppo

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Re: More Tool of the Trade / part two (780)
« Reply #17 on: November 30, 2013, 09:38:10 AM »
What we write and what we are need not be the same. Although, for some reason, many non-writers like to believe it is.

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Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Re: More Tool of the Trade / part two (780)
« Reply #18 on: November 30, 2013, 10:44:57 AM »
Sorry Skip, the slip stopped me cold. In (what I think is) your story's time frame, women and girls didn't wear 'half slips.' Their undies consisted of full slips for dresses, and only the well to do could afford something thin and see-thru. Or, they wore pantaloons that came below the knee with a short plus the top was more like an undershirt of today, some with frills and lace.

That said, the rancher's daughter might have been able to afford finer material for her clothing, so it might well have been of a fine, soft texture.

I know it may be just a little thing, but thought I would mention it.
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Offline Skip Slocum

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Re: More Tool of the Trade / part two (780)
« Reply #19 on: November 30, 2013, 11:05:44 AM »
Shoot yeah, this is a good point. We as writers must match the times to avoid the jarring. I know, took me long enough to learn this one  ;D ;D

Let me sip some more coffee and ponder this part -- wording wise. I would like to keep the accidental intimacy.

And giving every character a purpose I figure Miss Abigail could be the school marm.

Also, Jake having zero experience with 'little brothers' and going instantly to having 12 to 15 of them might help me write some comedy, frustration and the like. 

Offline Skip Slocum

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Re: More Tool of the Trade / part two (780)
« Reply #20 on: November 30, 2013, 12:12:21 PM »
I changed the slip description, I'm still working on the wording but called up a few images on google pics as well. Here is the description for this garment.
***

Petticoat ca. 1860-1865 via The Costume Institute of The Metropolitan Museum of Art “This petticoat features whimsical eyelet embroidery with birds, the form of which is inspired by folk embroidery, and fruit on the vine. A well-loved form of decoration on nineteenth century clothing, eyelet embroidery is a time-consuming process which involves cutting holes out of the fabric to form the desired motif, then meticulously stitching around the hole to complete the design.”

http://www.pinterest.com/leeetz/petticoats-and-bloomers/

Offline bri h

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Re: More Tool of the Trade / part two (780)
« Reply #21 on: November 30, 2013, 12:48:33 PM »
Hey Skip. I like this as well as the first part, although . . . Not a sound, not a trace, as if she’d never been there in the first place. reads as poetry to me, it kinda takes me out of the rhythm of the story. And . . .she was real wasn’t she? Would these words not be better served as italicised, seeing as how they're thoughts? Just a couple of things for you. The rest is fine to me. Bri.
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline Skip Slocum

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Re: More Tool of the Trade / part two (780)
« Reply #22 on: November 30, 2013, 01:17:49 PM »
Hey bri, I was trying to show Jake as a closet romantic to set the stage for what's to come. Let me ponder that part. it might be a tad too sing-song for prose. Now the italics part I've got to think on a while because I've always felt that POV character and the narrator can at times share one voice. (I'm not closed off to that change though.)

Miss Alice -- okay, I tried to add sleeves, bows and ties but it all started sounding jumbled (more than it probably does now.) ha.

Anyway, I did some work on that part of the story but in light of what I found out, I went with the half-slip (not calling it that of course) Also cut that section into two paragraphs since it was starting to run long. Here's how it reads now in my copy.

***

...
Stepping from the trees, a beautiful young woman appeared. She couldn’t have been much older than twenty one or twenty two. Even if she’d been fully dressed, Jake would have been hard pressed not to look at this stunning creature.  She had stripped herself of everything but a delicate petticoat leaving her completely naked from the waist up.

He watched her lift the underskirt to keep its hem out of the mud as she timidly tested the soft shoal of the riverbank with her bare feet. Crouching, she dipped a cloth into the cool water. The sun shone a golden radiance, haloing through her long brown hair. The light pierced her thin garment as if it were a mere veiled curtain of white lace and mist. Her youth required no stays or binding corsets to enhance what the almighty had bestowed.

Clearly she believed she was alone for her morning lavation – at least until Jake’s horse nickered and bobbed his head in the air.
« Last Edit: November 30, 2013, 01:56:37 PM by Skip Slocum »

Offline wanderer

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Re: More Tool of the Trade / part two (780)
« Reply #23 on: November 30, 2013, 01:30:21 PM »
I checked all my references and don't think the word "slip" would be used to refer to a garment in the 1800's. About what year does this take place?

Offline Skip Slocum

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Re: More Tool of the Trade / part two (780)
« Reply #24 on: November 30, 2013, 01:38:28 PM »
Good hit. I can change 'slip' to

'underskirt'

Origin:
1860–65; under- + skirt


Thank you.  ;D

Offline bri h

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Re: More Tool of the Trade / part two (780)
« Reply #25 on: November 30, 2013, 01:44:07 PM »
I think 'petticoat' would read better mate, B
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline 510bhan

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Re: More Tool of the Trade / part two (780)
« Reply #26 on: November 30, 2013, 01:49:37 PM »
Petticoat is used in the previous sentence.

Offline Skip Slocum

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Re: More Tool of the Trade / part two (780)
« Reply #27 on: November 30, 2013, 01:52:32 PM »
But I've used petticoat in the previous sentence already. 'Underskirt' will keep me from repeating myself, yes?

-- She had stripped herself of everything but a delicate petticoat leaving her completely naked from the waist up.

He watched her lift the underskirt to keep its hem out of the mud as she timidly tested the soft shoal of the riverbank with her bare feet. --



Miss Sio posted right before I hit enter.  ;D
« Last Edit: November 30, 2013, 01:57:39 PM by Skip Slocum »

Offline bri h

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Re: More Tool of the Trade / part two (780)
« Reply #28 on: November 30, 2013, 01:54:30 PM »
Yes, I see that, underskirt works fine. B
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline Skip Slocum

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Re: More Tool of the Trade / part two (780)
« Reply #29 on: November 30, 2013, 01:57:21 PM »
And 'riverbank' is one word so I just repaired that as well.