Author Topic: Tools of the Trade / Meeting Miss Abby (970)  (Read 3417 times)

Pale Writer

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Re: Tools of the Trade / Meeting Miss Abby (970)
« Reply #15 on: December 03, 2013, 08:10:32 PM »
hello

I wondered a bit about the time-line of action/conversation in this section below

Quote
Jake tried to stumble out some sort of passive explanation.  “Not officially. I believe I saw-” He could feel a slight blush rising on his cheeks.

What caught me is the sequence of events. For me it requires no change of words but rather the order. But maybe it is only how I see, but for example

"Not officially." Jake tried to stumble out some sort of passive explanation. "I believe I saw-" He could feel a slight blush rising on his cheeks.

I wanted the narration of explanation on the stumble to come before the dialogue. Other than that, I like how this is coming together.

Offline Skip Slocum

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Re: Tools of the Trade / Meeting Miss Abby (970)
« Reply #16 on: December 03, 2013, 08:55:08 PM »
If I'm understanding you correctly, Jake needs to have stumbled in his dialogue before the narration can denote it, yes?

Pale Writer

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Re: Tools of the Trade / Meeting Miss Abby (970)
« Reply #17 on: December 04, 2013, 07:21:49 AM »
Well for me, since you use the word 'tried' it felt a preamble to what he tried, action/reaction.

This does not mean I am correct, and in truth it didn't pull me out as a reader, merely something, as a writer, that I noticed. So don't concern yourself.

Offline Skip Slocum

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Re: Tools of the Trade / Meeting Miss Abby (970)
« Reply #18 on: December 04, 2013, 02:05:21 PM »
 ;) ;D noted. Thanks.