Author Topic: More Tool of the Trade / part two (780)  (Read 5377 times)

Offline Skip Slocum

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More Tool of the Trade / part two (780)
« on: November 29, 2013, 08:46:28 PM »
With all the quiet around the house these days, its a bit easier to write. I'm still fleshing out this story and would love to chat about it if you want. This is the next 780 words after Jake cut his hair and shaved  his mustache. Part one is this thread --> http://mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=50904.0

I wanted to start throwing in a few twists. So here's what I've come up with so far.

...
He broke camp in the predawn morning with a pot of stew meat, a bag of fresh jerky and a roast for the spit. He followed the left bank of the river like the major told him. The first bridge he came across would lead to the back of the house.
The river grass was thick and hedged along the bank and the shadows black enough Jake wasn’t going to risk stepping off into deep water. By the time he found a break in the foliage where he could safely water his horse and pack-mule, the sun was cutting its first rays through the valley.

He filled one canteen while the sun lit the dusting of fly-seeds coming off the trees. They seemed to hang motionless over the green banks and black waters as if they were left over from some enchanted dream – some mysterious forgotten place in time. A place of peace he’d always dreamed of finding.

By the time he’d finished filling his second canteen, looking toward the sun made him squint. Between the glare on the water and the dusting of seeds in the air he caught a glimpse of movement on the other side of the river. Instinctively his hand dropped to his gun.

Stepping from the trees, a beautiful girl appeared. She couldn’t have been much older than twenty one or twenty two. Even if she’d been fully dressed, Jake would have been hard pressed not to look but this beautiful creature had stripped herself of everything but a waist-slip petticoat.

The sun shone a golden radiance haloing through her long brown hair and pierced her slip as if it were a thinly veiled curtain of white lace and mist.

Clearly she believed she was alone for her morning lavation – at least until Jake's horse nickered and bobbed his head in the air. Beauty looked right at them and straight into Jake's eyes. She covered herself by curling her arms inward. But she didn’t scream and she didn’t look away.

Jake stood averting his eyes down toward his boots in an apologetic gesture. Before he realized what he had done, he found himself with hat in hand as if he passed this beautiful rarity on the streets of a township. With his heart racing he couldn’t help but look again, but she was gone. Not a sound, not a trace, as if she’d never been there in the first place. He began to argue with himself, she was real wasn’t she?

That glorious vision real or imaginary burned its way into his memory – the shimmer of seedlings dancing all around, the sparkling water, flash-glitter and blinding, the golden halo in her hair and above all else, the look she gave him. She didn’t seem to be angry. Maybe she realized he’d been just as surprised to see her as she was of him.

The bridge must have been over a mile and a half farther down the road but Jake couldn't have told a soul what he’d passed along the way.

Mr. Owens greeted him near the stables. “Glad you made it. The boys are anxious to meet you. We’ve been telling ‘em about your corn-cakes.” He gestured to a small clap-board cottage. “This one’s yours. The coal pits, and woodpiles between you-” He pointed to the larger building across from pit and brick oven. “- and through there is your kitchen and mess for the boys.”

Jake followed Mr. Owens in through the back door of the kitchen and on through into the dining hall. There were two or three boys sweeping and three more scrubbing the long table that divided the room. Mr. Owens went on through and out the front doors onto a wraparound porch with a dozen or so chairs and benches lined up along the wall. The Major met them with a smile and shook Jake’s hand again. “I’m happy you decided to come on.”

Jake looked out toward the corrals and saw more boys no older than fifteen or sixteen. He furrowed his brow and almost mumbled under his breath. “Boys – cook for the . . . boys? As in real boys?”

The major chuckled. “Yes son, this is Major Sam’s home for orphans and wayward boys.”

Mr. Owens grinned. “We take ‘em in, clean ‘em up, give them discipline, book learning and teach ‘em to farm and ranching. Doing the Lord’s work in the land of the wicked.”

Jake was trying to hold back a smile and trying not to shake his head when that beautiful young woman rode up. She glanced his way again but this time she was fully dressed. The major helped her down from her side-saddle.
“Let me introduce you to my daughter, Miss Abigail-Grace Reno.”
« Last Edit: November 29, 2013, 11:12:14 PM by Skip Slocum »

Offline wanderer

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Re: More Tool of the Trade / part two (780)
« Reply #1 on: November 29, 2013, 09:13:00 PM »
Some sentence structure I would change but I always leave that up to style preferences. Others can comment on that. I really like the story and it flowed nicely. I got the feeling the girl was an Indian, but the last part when the daughter was introduced...maybe it is her? If the girl was bathing I would think she was swimming in the water and would be drying herself with a towel?

Like the subtle twists.  ;)

Offline Skip Slocum

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Re: More Tool of the Trade / part two (780)
« Reply #2 on: November 29, 2013, 09:26:49 PM »
I got the idea from a wallpaper picture on my computer. The puter cycled to that pic and I said, 'Ericka, I finally found a home for you my little chick-ah-dee.  ;D

Offline 510bhan

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Re: More Tool of the Trade / part two (780)
« Reply #3 on: November 29, 2013, 10:11:57 PM »
The sun shone through the thin slip and haloed a golden radiance through her long brown hair. <---- sounds like the sun is shining through her slip and haloing stuff within it . . . bizarre image, I'm sure you can see doesn't look good.

The sun haloed a golden radiance through her long brown hair. It made her thin slip translucent.  :-[


Beauty looked right at them and right straight into Jake's eyes.

Offline Skip Slocum

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Re: More Tool of the Trade / part two (780)
« Reply #4 on: November 29, 2013, 10:18:07 PM »
ooo  :-[ 000 you're right, I'm gonna go fix that without holding off. LOL thank you.  ;D ;D

Offline Skip Slocum

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Re: More Tool of the Trade / part two (780)
« Reply #5 on: November 29, 2013, 10:30:37 PM »
Thanks Miss Sio, whew, yeah that wasn't quite the imagery I was going for. Here's how that line reads now -->

-- The sun shone a golden radiance haloing through her long brown hair and pierced her slip as if it were a thinly veiled curtain of white lace and mist.

Clearly she believed she was alone for her morning lavation – at least until Jake's horse nickered and bobbed his head in the air. Beauty looked right at them and straight into Jake's eyes. --
« Last Edit: November 29, 2013, 11:12:39 PM by Skip Slocum »

Offline 510bhan

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Re: More Tool of the Trade / part two (780)
« Reply #6 on: November 29, 2013, 10:44:29 PM »
 ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) That's better.

Offline Skip Slocum

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Re: More Tool of the Trade / part two (780)
« Reply #7 on: November 29, 2013, 10:53:07 PM »
I think so too. Thank you!  ;D

Offline 510bhan

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Re: More Tool of the Trade / part two (780)
« Reply #8 on: November 29, 2013, 11:09:01 PM »
Don't forget the apostrophe for: Jake's horse. ;)

Offline Skip Slocum

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Re: More Tool of the Trade / part two (780)
« Reply #9 on: November 29, 2013, 11:11:16 PM »
 ;) I'm on it. Thank you. Are you over that cold yet? And back to writing?

Offline 510bhan

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Re: More Tool of the Trade / part two (780)
« Reply #10 on: November 29, 2013, 11:12:43 PM »
Lurgy free now, thank you. I'm anxiously waiting for time to go by so I can look at Muriel 2 again and begin editing. In the meanwhile, doing some short stories. ;)

Offline Skip Slocum

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Re: More Tool of the Trade / part two (780)
« Reply #11 on: November 29, 2013, 11:19:00 PM »
That's kinda what I'm trying to do with this. Figured I should give Matt and Megan a rest and try to create some new characters with different mannerisms and speech patterns. Sort of jump out of my comfort zone an exercise something new inside. 

Offline 510bhan

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Re: More Tool of the Trade / part two (780)
« Reply #12 on: November 29, 2013, 11:26:42 PM »
That's good. I still keep thinking about Muriel but I was so in the zone when I wrote it and it's different to anything else I've done -- with multiple POVs and all, I'm not sure if I'm the one to fiddle with it. Been reading lots of crime books and it seems to be on a par with the ones I've enjoyed . . . written by men, and the only thing I can see that mine doesn't have is detailed fight scenes, real dust ups. But there's no need for that in mine -- there's the Enforcer hanging Lenny, the bar scene where there's a scuffle and Allanagh trailing Carrie down the stairs but nowhere else demands fistcuffs, it's more psychological battles. ::)

I am getting fed up with reading what established authors can get away with, yet us newbies are all recommended to steer clear of . . . passive phrasing, overlong sentences, prologues, info dumps, irrelevant padding [allegedly to add characterisation but I'd dispute the way one guy in particular handled that -- and he's a literary critic as well as an author]. Grrrr :( >:(

Offline Skip Slocum

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Re: More Tool of the Trade / part two (780)
« Reply #13 on: November 29, 2013, 11:31:53 PM »
Yup, you're feeling better. But letting the story simmer on the shelf a few weeks, whew, well at least for me, it worked wonders to finding mistakes and sentences with twin subjects.

Offline 510bhan

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Re: More Tool of the Trade / part two (780)
« Reply #14 on: November 29, 2013, 11:34:42 PM »
I'm being good, except I have to laugh, everything I write is dark or horrible, yet I'm quite a happy person. ;D ;D ;D ;D