Author Topic: The Twilight Zone: Daddy Dearest - Opening - Word Count 946  (Read 12666 times)

Offline Jackson_Leigh

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 110
  • My life in a nutshell...
The Twilight Zone: Daddy Dearest - Opening - Word Count 946
« on: November 16, 2013, 10:09:51 PM »
Here is my take on a new Twilight Zone series. I am currently watching the original series to get a feel of the tone set in the episodes. I hope to bring the same level of suspense in my stories. This is the opening to the pilot episode and if I receive positive reviews I will post more of the episode and rest of the series. I hope all of you enjoy your time in "The Twilight Zone."

EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT

JONATHON REEVES - EARLY 40s - stands outside an abandoned building along side a busy city street.

JONATHON
Hello there, and welcome. What you are about to experience is something that can only be explained through the pit of man's fear and the height of his intelligence.

JONATHON turns towards an old street lamp.

JONATHON (CONT'D)
What you are about to see tells the story of Jimmy Monaro, a man who had always put his family before himself. Understandable right? It is only after the death of his father, does he learn that it is family that he has to fear most.


JONATHON walks up the steps to the abandoned building.

JONATHON
When a mysterious man shows up at his doorstep claiming to be the true son of Jimmy's father, and has the will to prove it, it then that Jimmy begins to realize where the line between real and the supernatural truly lies.

JONATHON begins to unlock the door to the abandoned building.

JONATHON
Without knowing it, Jimmy is moving fast into another dimension. A dimension that is timeless as infinity. A dimension of sight, a dimension of sound. One that lies between light and shadow. A dimension that can be opened with the key of imagination, it is a dimension which we call "The Twilight Zone".
   

JONATHON opens the door to the building and walks inside.

FADE TO BLACK

INT. HOUSE - NIGHT

JIMMY MONARO - EARLY 20s - and THOMAS BUCARRI - EARLY 20s - sit on a couch as they grieve over the death of JIMMY's father.

THOMAS
It was gonna happen sooner or later, he had a brain tumor, one which was too big to remove. He was taken out of his suffering.

JIMMY
Still doesn't make up for the fact that I wasn't by his side in his last moments.


THOMAS
That wasn't your fault. You couldn't help your plane was delayed.


JIMMY
No, but it was my fault that I waited to long to come back, I knew he was dying and yet I did nothing.

THOMAS
Nothing? Jimmy, you left to find a doctor with better medicine, you had good intentions.


JIMMY
I know that, but I let him die alone --

THOMAS
He wasn't alone, me and Samantha was in the hospital when he died.

JIMMY
I was the only family he had, and I couldn't be there.


JIMMY gets off the couch and begins to pace around.

THOMAS

You were always there for him, the last five years was all you ever done, was be there for him.

JIMMY stares at THOMAS, he continues to pace.

THOMAS (CONT'D)
Driving him to all those doctor's appointments, the cooking, the cleaning up after him. You always put him first, even before yourself. Don't let yourself think you wasn't there for him.

JIMMY
If I could have seen him just one last time -- maybe I wouldn't feel this way.

THOMAS
You just need time to grieve. Get it all out, and if you need to you can stay with me for a little while.

JIMMY
I don't know, I still need to do some storing for the last few things around here.

THOMAS

Just think about it, if you need to get away from all this, I'll clear up a space for you.

JIMMY
I don't want to burden you like that.

THOMAS
It's no problem for me. I know that some memories can get to be too much.

JIMMY holds his head in his hands.

JIMMY
I'll think about it.

THOMAS
Good. Remember if you need anything, I'm just a call away.


THOMAS heads towards the door. He looks back towards JIMMY.

THOMAS (CONT'D)
Hey, things are gonna get better. And remember my door is always open.


THOMAS opens the front door and heads out. JIMMY begins to sit back down on the couch as there is a knock on the front door. JIMMY walks towards the front door.

JIMMY
Thomas, I told you I'll think about it.


JIMMY opens the front door. A MAN stands infront of him.

JIMMY
Oh, Hello.


MAN
I'm here to collect my things.

JIMMY
I'm sorry, but I don't even know you.

MAN
Oh, that's right. My name is Patrick Monaro. I had been contacted about my father's death, and here to collect the things that were left for me in the will.


JIMMY

There must be some mistake, did you say your father's death.

PATRICK
Yes, David Monaro.


JIMMY

I'm David Monaro's son. One and only son.


PATRICK
I can understand the confusing, but I have the will here to prove it.


PATRICK hands over the will to JIMMY. JIMMY reads it over as it states that PATRICK is entitled to his father's belongings.

JIMMY
This is a fake. Where did you get information about my father?


PATRICK
I am his son and I assure you, this is not a fake, it is as real as me standing right in front of you. I'm here to collect my things.

JIMMY

The hell you are, I have the original copy stating that me, Jimmy Monaro, his son, is entitled to what is in the will.


JIMMY walks to the dinning table and grabs a peice of paper. PATRICK takes a step inside the house.

JIMMY (CONT'D)
Here, you see I got the will that clearly states I am entitled to everything.

PATRICK
Do you mind reading it?


JIMMY
Gladly.

JIMMY unfolds the piece of paper and begins reading.

JIMMY (CONT'D)
Article three: I devise, bequeath, and give my estate and contents within to my son, Patrick Monaro.

JIMMY stops reading. He stares at PATRICK.

JIMMY
Who are you?


PATRICK
Like I said. I'm his son.


So what do you all think. Please comment below, and don't hold back. :)
Wait... What is a signature?

Offline Jackson_Leigh

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 110
  • My life in a nutshell...
Re: The Twilight Zone: Daddy Dearest - Opening - Word Count 946
« Reply #1 on: November 16, 2013, 10:31:16 PM »
Sorry about the mistakes in the formatting. Here is the correct dialouge of one line:

JONATHON


When a mysterious man shows up at his doorstep claiming to be the true son of Jimmy's father, and has the will to prove it, it is then that Jimmy begins to realize where the line between the real and the supernatural truly lies.

Again sorry about the mistake in the formatting, causing some of the lines to be centered when they shouldn't be.
Wait... What is a signature?

Offline 2par

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4740
Re: The Twilight Zone: Daddy Dearest - Opening - Word Count 946
« Reply #2 on: November 16, 2013, 11:52:00 PM »
There's a reason that Twilight Zone went off the air. It had seen it's day. An updated version came along some years later and that too has seen it's day. Then there was a movie. Successful, but no sequel.

How about watching the newer cable series shows for ideas.

Offline Jackson_Leigh

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 110
  • My life in a nutshell...
Re: The Twilight Zone: Daddy Dearest - Opening - Word Count 946
« Reply #3 on: November 16, 2013, 11:57:11 PM »
Good point but I have been inspired and I want to create my vision of it. There are people out there who still enjoy the series (such as myself) and wouldn't mind a new perspective on it. I am going to write what inspires me.
Wait... What is a signature?

Offline 2par

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4740
Re: The Twilight Zone: Daddy Dearest - Opening - Word Count 946
« Reply #4 on: November 17, 2013, 01:19:06 AM »
Okay. It's good practice.

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

  • http://www.writestreet.com/writestree
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 31219
  • Hello from Texas
    • Alice's Hide Away
Re: The Twilight Zone: Daddy Dearest - Opening - Word Count 946
« Reply #5 on: December 05, 2013, 12:54:33 PM »
I enjoyed this, but wonder if there is more.

I always enjoyed Twilight Zone and agree, the later version just wasn't the same. It may have been something missing in the stories, but I think it was even more that Rod Serling wasn't around any more. His voice and the way he spoke set the stage as none other could, at least, for me.

That doesn't mean that a story or script inspired by Twilight Zone can't reach the audience.   
MWC Charity Publications.
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight>
The universe is made of stories, not of atoms. -Muriel Rukeyser, poet and activist (15 Dec 1913-1980)

R. L. Copple's: http://www.rlcopple.com/

I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.
-Mohandas K. Gandhi

Offline tay-clem

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 39
Re: The Twilight Zone: Daddy Dearest - Opening - Word Count 946
« Reply #6 on: December 17, 2013, 12:08:26 PM »
I like this scene, but it doesn't feel supernatural to me. At least, not yet. More like "man had two families, separate and unaware of one another." Which is an interesting set up on it's own. :)

Since this is just the opening though, I'll wait for more to see how the supernatural elements unfold.

If you like The Twilight Zone, I suggest American Horror Story. I like to think of it as a spiritual successor.