Author Topic: Done  (Read 17581 times)

Offline Mark T

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Re: Done
« Reply #15 on: January 19, 2014, 04:13:13 AM »

Hi Tom, 'hollow twinge' is a great phrase that evokes the underlying pathos and nostalgia of this piece. I know that feeling. The tone is reminiscent of the piece that had Grandpa's piston forearms - something like that, in it. Not much to quibble with here but lots to like. The fusing of dust everywhere, even Dad's hands, has this creep-of-time effect.       

Offline shadowdrifter

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Re: Done
« Reply #16 on: January 19, 2014, 05:39:01 AM »
Hi Tom

A lovely feel of nostalgia in this.  The sadness when he got rid of his tools, comes across clearly in the last verse.

Quote
For years Dad scavenged reusable
dimension lumber for the raising of  <<--I have to admit that "dimension" means nothing to me who knows zilch about wood and woodwork, so I wonder if it is needed as reusable seems to cover the image you are looking to convey.  Instead of "for the raising of" you could say "to raise"
his monuments - outbuildings, a pole barn,  <<--I think you need another hyphen after pole barn to balance the earlier one. 
always with tools, handles worn smooth,
same cross-cut, square, sledge, level.  <<-- I wondered about saying "using tools, handles worn smooth".  I got a bit lost with what image you are describing in this last line..cross-cut, sledge, level

My brother and I burned through turgid  <<--I love "through turgid afternoons"  It has a great sound.  Not so sure about "of blazing sun"  maybe "under a blazing sun, big sky.  Another thought is to say "my brother and I sweated through turgid afternoons, under a blazing sun, big sky, pulling nails; skinned knuckles, splintered fingers folded in rotational healing and prayer.
afternoons of blazing sun, big sky,
the sweated pulling of nails, skinned
knuckles, and splintered fingers
folded in swollen rotational healing and prayer.

Later when dust fused to every surface,
even the back of Dadís hands I supposed then,
he started getting rid of his tools - one, three at a time.
It felt like a hollow twinge, at first.

Use or not as you wish.  Hope something helps.  A very vivid memory.

Offline Tom 10

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Re: Done
« Reply #17 on: January 19, 2014, 10:50:22 AM »
Shadow,
Thank you.  I always appreciate your close reading.  When you raise a question about word choice it makes me think why I chose as I did, and sometimes my reasons melt away.  Its good to be challenged and I like the way you do that.
 :)
T

Offline Tom 10

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Re: Done
« Reply #18 on: January 19, 2014, 10:51:50 AM »
Mark,
"fused" I stole from drab, perhaps with permission. 8)
Writing poems like this makes me feel old, and I usually do not. Thanks for your comments.
T