Author Topic: Enough Already  (Read 6499 times)

Offline shadowdrifter

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Re: A Nine Year-old's Perspective
« Reply #15 on: January 19, 2014, 02:21:07 AM »
It's hard when you're a single parent, to keep encouraging a positive relationship between your children and their father.  Though my girls are grown up now and they adore their father, if I didn't invite him over when they are home from uni, he wouldn't see them.

I like the poem and the conversational style, just a couple of thoughts.

Quote
I show pictures to my son and explain
the support his father sends   <<---for me "support" isn't what he gives you... I'd replace it with "money" support is far more and I don't think you get that from your ex.
keeps us warm. In the winter,
I make things
like
homemade soup, and tonight
when our second bowls of chili
are empty, my son smiles, all love
in his eyes, and tells me that having a father
would be nice- two parents wouldn't
have to save so long
to buy him an Xbox.<<--love the last line, made me smile, so typical of kids

Offline Mark T

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Re: A Nine Year-old's Perspective
« Reply #16 on: January 19, 2014, 03:54:55 AM »

Hi jk, nice writing. Conversational in tone as observed above. Something seems off in the grammar of the title. You might want to rethink that X-Box... the latest model has audio and video surveillance features that constantly transmit monitoring of your home.   

Offline jkaram

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Re: A Nine Year-old's Perspective
« Reply #17 on: January 19, 2014, 01:44:54 PM »
Thank you Mark and Shadowdrifter. I hadn't heard about the surveillance, oh my. Thanks for the feedback on the title and money.

I have considered all your suggestions in the revision posted above.

Janet

Offline heidi52

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Re: Weekday Misses
« Reply #18 on: January 19, 2014, 02:24:04 PM »
I like the revision just a few minor quibbles. Use or lose...

Revision:

Your fingerprints collect on pictures
of two visits, four years apart
beyond your stretch of memory.
I tell you money your father sends keeps our home I would put a return between sends and keeps
warm and buys the blue fleece you'd wear
everyday. In the winter,
I make homemade soup with rice, melt
mini-marshmallows in chocolate, drizzle
butter and shake salt
on pan-popped popcorn then we sit
close on the sofa watching
scientific movies about nebulas, sharks
and dinosaurs. Tonight,
when our second bowls of chili are empty, you lean
in brimming with affection and say you'd like a father I would put a comma after 'in' and 'affection'
who'd bring you home each day
of the week before playtime
passes.


Offline jkaram

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Re: Weekday Misses
« Reply #19 on: January 19, 2014, 02:26:15 PM »
Will do, thanks Heidi!

Offline AntonioM

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Re: Weekday Misses
« Reply #20 on: January 19, 2014, 04:40:27 PM »
This might be hard, but I think you should tear the kid a new one! A secondstanza expressing inner turmoil of being alone and what a poor substitution a blue fleece sweater is for a father- passion could elevate this piece- quiet strength and dignity suddenly unrestrained- as it stands,mit isn't intimate enough to draw emotion.

ARM
ARM

Offline heidi52

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Re: Weekday Misses
« Reply #21 on: January 19, 2014, 04:48:09 PM »
Don't know if I agree with you there ARM, I think that's not what this piece is about. I could be wrong but I think it was meant to show how the N can't go there. For her son's sake it's better to stay positive. I think that's probably a much harder thing to do than expressing your inner rage.

At least that's what I took away, but I could be talking out of my hat. It's been known to happen.  ;)

Offline AntonioM

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Re: Weekday Misses
« Reply #22 on: January 19, 2014, 04:59:07 PM »
I think it was hung up on the "nine-year old's perspective" so the rest wasn't considered- I think restraint fails this piece, it's cozy and warm- but an inner monologue could juxtapose the multiplicity of perspectives that lend themselves to the piece. It doesn't address the speaker's opinion of the perspective at all- if it was the child's perspective then I believe a child like voice and cadence- diction, grammar and spelling would do well to draw that image, entirely- perhaps it's just a matter of taste.

ARM
ARM

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Weekday Misses
« Reply #23 on: January 19, 2014, 05:07:33 PM »
I think the original had greater impact, though there are aspects of the revision I like. The additional 'perfect mommy provision' detracts from the main message IMO.

Your fingerprints collect on pictures
of two visits, four years apart
beyond your stretch of memory.
I tell you money your father sends keeps our home
warm and buys the blue fleece you'd wear
everyday. In the winter,
I make homemade soup with rice, melt
mini-marshmallows in chocolate, drizzle
butter and shake salt
on pan-popped popcorn then we sit
close on the sofa watching
scientific movies about nebulas, sharks
and dinosaurs.
Tonight,
when our second bowls of chili are empty, you lean
in brimming with affection and say you'd like a father
who'd bring you home each day
of the week before playtime
passes.

Offline jkaram

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Re: Weekday Misses
« Reply #24 on: January 19, 2014, 05:14:54 PM »
I get your point, Arm.

I can see how if I said: instead of slapping the shit out of Him, I made him cookies would add that necessary mama-dark-side. Something that might be fun exploring.

Thanks also, Sio for your comments. I tend to feel gushing maternal-ness when I write about my son. Maybe I should wait till the next time he pisses me off to revise   ;) :D

Offline AntonioM

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Re: Weekday Misses
« Reply #25 on: January 19, 2014, 05:37:50 PM »
exactly- it shocked me just reading it there- lol

ARM
ARM

Offline jkaram

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Re: Weekday Misses
« Reply #26 on: January 19, 2014, 06:35:58 PM »
I think I feel better  :D passive aggressive revision above  :D

Offline AntonioM

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Re: Weekday Misses
« Reply #27 on: January 19, 2014, 06:52:35 PM »
I felt that.

ARM
ARM

Offline jkaram

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Re: Weekday Misses
« Reply #28 on: January 19, 2014, 06:53:25 PM »
Thanks Arm.