Author Topic: Leaving Snowland  (Read 1412 times)

Offline zwei1vier6

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Leaving Snowland
« on: November 06, 2013, 05:54:54 PM »
The beast let out a massive warbelch and glared at the tiny village on top of Mount Winter. For their part, the villagers cowered in their igloos and prayed to the great Ice Fathers, guardians of snow and sleet. Today their prayers would not be answered.
   The beast was the last of its kind: a Ronaldosaurus that had been frozen for millennia. It was a memento of a dangerous age when nature brooked little weakness. Now, that bygone age was providing the present with a reminder of true fear.
   The beast lowered its scaly haunches, bared its sharp teeth, and launched at the tiny village. The Ice Fathers had molded into its reptilian brain every symbol for rage that their eternal and sacred snow language offered, and as the beast descended onto them, the villagers grimly noted that time and ice had not dulled the its intrinsic anger in the slightest. That would be the last thing they noted. The impact shook the entire land and would be spoken of in the legends and songs of generations of Snowlanders, and the flattened top of Mount Winter, a red and white merger of man, igloo, and snow, would—

“Dammit, Ronald!” Ronald's father lifted him off the snow pile. “I just cleared the driveway and now your getting snow all over the goddamn place. What's wrong with you?”
   “Sorry, Dad.”
   “Jesus, would you just think for once? Now shovel it up.”
   “OK.” Ronald got the shovel from the garage and came back outside. Chunks of packed snow were spilled onto the concrete. With great care Ronald scooped the wayward snow back among its own kind as his father watched.
   “Better. Now stop screwing around, would you?”
   “OK, Dad.”
   His father went back into the house.
   Ronald stayed outside and watched his breath float up in the cold air, and at that moment he felt so old and so alien from his own youth. He took a long drag from an imaginary cigarette and exhaled into the night.

Offline Skip Slocum

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Re: Leaving Snowland
« Reply #1 on: November 06, 2013, 06:33:05 PM »
You posted this piece on a restricted board so I had to move it here.

With this being your first post I suppose you missed reading the customs and limitations for the site. here is the link to those customs.

http://mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=12325.0

There are other pages you need to read including the limits for this board as well.

http://mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=24729.0

If you have any questions please ask.

Skip
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hillwalker3000

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Re: Leaving Snowland
« Reply #2 on: November 07, 2013, 07:57:36 AM »
I'm guessing this is a children's (or possibly YA) story. So far so good. There are a couple of minor missteps but overall it works for me.

You might consider simplifying some of your Yoda-like expressions though:

- Now, that bygone age was providing the present with a reminder of true fear.
Not sure it's the past that's providing the present. (?)

- The Ice Fathers had molded into its reptilian brain every symbol for rage that their eternal and sacred snow language offered, and as the beast descended onto them, the villagers grimly noted that time and ice had not dulled the its intrinsic anger in the slightest.
That's such a long sentence.

- the flattened top of Mount Winter, a red and white merger of man, igloo, and snow
I know what you mean - but merger isn't quite the word.

I'd be happy to learn more about Ronald.

H3K

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Leaving Snowland
« Reply #3 on: November 07, 2013, 08:11:57 AM »
and now your getting snow ---> you're

The Ice Fathers had molded into its reptilian brain every symbol for rage that their eternal and sacred snow language offered. and As the beast descended onto them, the villagers grimly noted that time and ice had not dulled the its intrinsic anger in the slightest. [as a single sentence it is far too long.] ;)

Interesting little snippet. ;D

Offline LRSuda

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Re: Leaving Snowland
« Reply #4 on: November 07, 2013, 12:22:18 PM »
“Dammit, Ronald!” Ronald's[/s] His father lifted him off the snow pile.

I normally don't reply to members with only one post but this is cute. Some issues to work out but you'll learn more as you go along. I hope to see you offer critiques to others posts. This is a give and take site. Read the links Skip put up and you'll be fine.  ;)

Offline Dawn

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Re: Leaving Snowland
« Reply #5 on: November 07, 2013, 12:37:45 PM »
Nice little story. Loved Ronaldsauraus. I do wonder though if the beginning is a little long and you should get into the opening sooner. Nice imagery though. Welcome to the site.
Time to take it serious and get the job done