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Author Topic: Help me with my poem! "The wind and the trees"  (Read 1102 times)

Offline zoe203

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Help me with my poem! "The wind and the trees"
« on: November 01, 2013, 03:03:33 AM »
The wind and the trees


I kiss their bark
once, perhaps twice
I blush, blink and smile

Then I ignore
I look away
whispering, stiff and bored

Longing and loneliness
disbursed like leaves
I inflict in order to be relieved

They are wilted and bent
it is the best part
gusty and sharp
I am the wind without a heart
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Offline Skip Slocum

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Re: Help me with my poem! "The wind and the trees"
« Reply #1 on: November 01, 2013, 03:22:52 AM »
This being your first posting I'd like to direct you to our welcome board. Start a new thread like you've done here and introduce yourself.

http://mywriterscircle.com/index.php?board=1.0

If you have any questions please ask.

Skip
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Offline duck

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Re: Help me with my poem! "The wind and the trees"
« Reply #2 on: November 01, 2013, 03:48:58 AM »
Hi
This is really not bad. I would drop the last 5 lines and finish on the word leaves. The title is little dull too.
Duck
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Offline Mark T

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Re: Help me with my poem! "The wind and the trees"
« Reply #3 on: November 01, 2013, 04:17:55 AM »

This is a poignant little poem, quite well-written and atmospheric. I would suggest replacing 'disbursed' with 'dispersed' as disburse means financial distribution. Keep writing.
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