Author Topic: Entity - Updated Draft - Opening Scenes  (Read 1677 times)

Offline Jackson_Leigh

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Entity - Updated Draft - Opening Scenes
« on: October 26, 2013, 04:50:39 PM »
INT. SHOWER - HIGH SCHOOL - NIGHT

MATTHEW GORDON - 16 YEARS OLD - stands in the shower. He hums to himself. Rubbing soap on his body, he releases some of the stress from his body.   

FLASHBACK TO:

EXT. FOOTBALL FIELD - NIGHT

MATTHEW runs with the football in his hands. He is a few feet away from making a touchdown. An opponent from the other team tackles him to the ground. The football drops from his hands. A fumble.

BACK TO PRESENT

MATTHEW washes the soap from his body. He applies shampoo to his hair. He scrubs his scalp, closing his eyes.

FLASHBACK TO:

MATTHEW lies on the ground of the football field. The other team has picked up the ball, and is running to score for their team. A flag is called. A penalty is called on MATTHEW team. The opposing team gains five yards.

BACK TO PRESENT

MATTHEW stands firm under the flow of water, allowing the shampoo to run down to his shoulders. He rubs his left shoulder, as his eyes remain closed.

FLASHBACK TO:

After the hike, the opposing quarterback throws the ball. MATTHEW runs toward it as his team goes for the interception. The ball slips through MATTHEWís hands, allowing the other team to catch the ball, and when the game. The sound of the buzzer goes off.

BACK TO PRESENT

MATTHEW opens his eyes. He shuts the water off, grabs a towel to dry his hair. MATTHEW can see that his team mates have already left. He stands still taking in the silence. He wraps the towel around his waist and steps out into the

LOCKER ROOM

MATTHEW stands at his locker, getting his clothes, while also packing up his football uniform. He slips on his t-shirt as a Black Bird flies into a window across from MATTHEW.

MATTHEW
Damn bird.


MATTHEW closes the locker. His cell phone begins to ring. He eyes the caller ID.

SAMANTHA

He answers the call.

MATTHEW
Hey baby.


SAMANTHA
Where you at? I thought you would have been here by now.

MATTHEW
I stayed behind for a quick shower. Iím leaving now, be there in a few.


SAMANTHA
Sounds good. Iíll keep the door open.



MATTHEW
Youíre the best. See ya when I get there, love you.


SAMANTHA
Love you too.

MATTHEW ends the call and returns the cell phone back to his pants pocket. He takes a step forward when a CRASH comes from behind him. MATTHEW looks back to see his locker open and his football uniform on the ground.

MATTHEW
What the hell?

MATTHEW heads back to his locker. He is packing his uniform back into his locker. A whisper comes from behind him.

VOICE
Matthew.

MATTHEW turns around to see no one there. He puts his jersey into the locker and slams the door. The whisper is heard again, this time a little louder.

VOICE
Matthew.

MATTHEW eyes the entire locker room. No one is there. He moves faster to the exit. His eyesight becomes blurry. He can see the glow of the exit sign. Everything else joins together in one big blur. MATTHEW becomes lightheaded. The lights above MATTHEW flicker on and off. His eyesight gets worse. Dizzy, MATTHEW rubs his eyes. His eyesight remains blurry. Now standing in front of MATTHEW is a BLACK FIGURE - From MATTHEWís vision, it has the shape of a misfigured human body.

The lights above MATTHEW cut off. Complete darkness. A loud THUMP. MATTHEWís eyes come back into focus. He is now on the floor of the lockeroom. A LOUD whistling piercing his ears. He covers his ears with his hands. He tries to lift his body back up, but discovers that his legs have been paralyzed. He reaches for the phone in his pocket. He dials 9-1-1. The phone rings, then finally an answer.

WOMAN
Holland County Police Department, what is your emergency.

MATTHEW
My name is Matthew Gordon, Iím at Triton High School, I think -- think --

Thatís all MATTHEW can get out of him, as his upper body becomes paralyzed.

WOMAN
Sir, are you here.

MATTHEW drops the phone from his hand. He is unable to respond.

WOMAN
Sir, are you here.

Seconds pass, no response. MATTHEW lays motionless. Stares at the phone, trying to speak.

WOMAN (CONTíD)
An emergency unit will be sent right away.

The call ends. MATTHEWís eyes look towards the exit. The BLACK FIGURE is floating towards him. His eyes fill with fear. The BLACK FIGURE calls out to him in the same whisper he heard before.

BLACK FIGURE
Matthew.

MATTHEW turns his eyes away. The BLACK FIGURE calls out once again, but this time mostly gibberish. MATTHEW looks back toward the exit. The BLACK FIGURE is gone. MATTHEWís body levitates of the ground. His body bending backwards. His head meets the heels of his feet. His eyes and mouth bleed out. His body is thrown against the lockers, and falls to the ground. He lays motionless. Dead.
 
CUT TO:
   


INT. BEDROOM - MORNING

An alarm clock buzzes. A hand reaches for the snooze button. TREVOR DAVIS - 16 YEARS OLD - pulls the bed covers off of his body. He gets out of bed. The sunlight in his eyes.

INT. BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER

TREVOR slips on his t-shirt and jeans. Tying his shoes, TREVOR listens to music from his computer. An email comes through. It is a notice reminding him to come in early for work. He reads it quickly, then closing the window. Leaving his bedroom, TREVOR grabs his bookbag. He closes his bedroom door behind him.

INT. STAIRS - SAME

TREVOR heads down the stairs, ready to leave the house. His mother calls for him from downstairs.

MARY
Trevor, I fixed you breakfast.

TREVOR reaches the bottom of the stairs. His mother is waiting for him.

TREVOR
Thanks, but I got to get going, big math test today.


MARY
Okay, but be sure to get something when you get there. Donít want you taking the test on an empty stomach.


TREVOR
Sure thing.

TREVOR gives his mother a kiss on the cheek.

MARY
Love you.

TREVOR
Love you too.

TREVOR leaves the house. His mother watching him go.

EXT. PARKING LOT - HIGH SCHOOL - LATER

TREVOR getting out of his car, locks the door, and walks towards the high school, as PATRICK WELLS - 16 YEARS OLD - joins him. Police cars speed by.


PATRICK
Have you heard.


TREVOR
Heard what?

PATRICK
They found MATTHEW GORDON dead in the locker room.

TREVOR is shocked by the news.

TREVOR
Matthew Gordon, isnít he in our science class?


PATRICK
Yes, but that is besides the point. I overheard the sheriff saying that it is the worst death they have seen in years.

TREVOR
That bad, huh?

PATRICK
Yeah, the worst, his eyes were ripped from his sockets --

TREVOR and PATRICK reach the main courtyard of the high school. Police are seen throughout the campus.

TREVOR
Have they caught who done it?

PATRICK
No the police are still looking. They are questioning everybody.

TREVOR
They think it could be someone at the school?

PATRICK
They donít know. They are as clueless as we are.

TREVOR
Wait a second, if they havenít caught who done it -- that means the killer is still out there.

PATRICK can see the worry in TREVORís eyes.

INT. HALLWAY - SAME 

PATRICK
Youíre not scared, are you?



TREVOR
Yeah, I mean if they havenít caught him --

PATRICK
Calm down buddy, the only thing you have to worry about is Mrs. Coyle, now thatís to be scared of.

TREVOR gives a small smile.

PATRICK
You really need to lighten up, you know that.

The school bell rings. The teenage boys head into a classroom.

This is an updated version of my screenplay "Tik Tik". After reading the comments from the other post, I decided to redo the entire opening scene. I really hope you all like it and can't wait to hear what you have to say.

 
 








 



   

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hillwalker3000

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Re: Entity - Updated Draft - Opening Scenes
« Reply #1 on: October 26, 2013, 06:39:33 PM »
I'm really sorry, but for what it's worth I don't think this is any better.

The opening scene is a series of memories flashing through Matthew's head as he takes a shower - I was bored senseless long before the black bird flew in. So far it's lacking tension.

We then have a conversation between b/f and g/f - but they're not saying anything interesting so again you're just killing time.

Then - a black figure appears. And that's the horror? Presumably the black bird morphed into a ninja or something - but that's not enough to make me care about how many get killed and who survives. there's no one in this screenplay I care about enough to keep watching. That's a fundamental problem you're going to have to deal with. Create believable characters that spring to life.

Unfortunately it gets worse. We watch Trevor get up and say goodbye to his mother before he leaves for school. It couldn'y be more humdrum if you tried? I don't need to watch him click off his alarm or hear his mother tell him she fixed breakfast. I'm waiting for the plot to tighten up a notch - please let's have something interesting happen.

But instead the scene remains flat. It's like watching paint dry. When Trevor is told about the dead boy there's not the remotest sense of shock or drama -

TREVOR
Matthew Gordon, isnít he in our science class?
PATRICK
Yes, but that is besides the point. I overheard the sheriff saying that it is the worst death they have seen in years.


That's hilariously unrealistic dialogue given the circumstances.

And the clincher:

TREVOR
Wait a second, if they havenít caught who done it -- that means the killer is still out there.

I'm guessing if they had caught the killer this would be the shortest movie ever.

Might I suggest you try to come up with a more exciting and original plot - and use the dialogue to develop your characters and create a sense of growing tension rather than to fill a gap.

H3K

Offline Chord

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Re: Entity - Updated Draft - Opening Scenes
« Reply #2 on: October 27, 2013, 01:40:57 PM »
Actually I can see this working a lot better. I agree with Hilly that its a tedious read but I can visualise it in my mind being acted out and it'd be OK. Personally I'd lose the interwoven flashbacks, they're not actually adding anything to the story. Just show him coming off the field then bang into the shower.

You build up the tension well. Trim the speech with the girl a bit - 'I stayed behind for a shower' well so did the rest of the team, how come you're still there? Why aren't your friends waiting for you? You need an explanation if you're making a feature of him being alone.

The bird - does it fly into a window (bang!) or in through a window - be specific.

Remember, with action you're saying what happens, not writing a novel.

Just put 'Mathew turns around, nobody is there.' they get what you mean. They know he didn't smell nobody was there (unless he did - in which case mention it).

Other examples, 'He tries to get up, (and discovers that) his legs won't move'. Lose the bits in brackets, seriously, they'll appreciate brevity.

This is much better than the first. Far less cliched. As I said, I can see the scene in my head and it sort of works with the girlfriend part of the call just chop it down to her ringing he says 'yeah yeah, on my way. The coach wanted to talk to me, tell you about it later babe, I'm just getting out of the shower now.'











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