Author Topic: Tik Tik - Updated Draft - Better Script  (Read 2294 times)

Offline Jackson_Leigh

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Tik Tik - Updated Draft - Better Script
« on: October 24, 2013, 09:43:26 PM »
Logline: A group of teenagers must fight off a mythical creature that is killing off people in their small town. They must defeat this creature or lose their own lives trying.

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL - NIGHT

Two adolescent teens are making out passionately in front of the doors of the high school. KEVIN HARTLEY - 17 YEARS OLD - begins to unbutton TRACIís shirt. She pulls his arm away.

TRACI
You sure you want to do this?

KEVIN
Relax, itís just sex. People do it all the time.

TRACI looks back into his eyes as he smiles back at her. She leans in to kiss him.

KEVIN (CONTíD)
Hold up, I want this to be special.

KEVIN pulls out a key to the high school. He unlocks the main door.

TRACI
You had a key made?

KEVIN
Coach gave me it, one of the benefits of being the quarterback.

TRACI laughs as they enter into the school.

INT. HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER

The teenage couple is walking down a dark hallway. They hold hands as they turn a corner.

TRACI
Where are we going?

KEVIN
Youíll see.

KEVIN leads TRACI into the boys locker room. She lets go of his hand.

TRACI
What is that smell?

KEVIN
Itís the boys locker room, what do you expect.

TRACI laughs in response as KEVIN pushes her against the lockers. The couple continues to make out.

KEVIN (CONTíD)
You know I love you.

KEVIN pulls of his shirt. TRACI unbuttons hers. KEVIN holds TRACI in his arms, as he loosens the strap to her bra.

TRACI
You got protection right?

KEVIN
Of course.

KEVIN pulls out a condom from his pocket. Behind him is a bench which he lays TRACI down on. He runs his fingers through her hair, while he admires her body. His body thrust against hers.

TRACI
Oh, Kevin.

TRACI thugs on his hair. He kisses her. Her hands move below his waist. KEVIN unbuttons his jeans. He slides his jeans down below his knees. TRACI turns her head toward the lockers.

KEVIN
You okay?

TRACI turns her head back toward KEVIN

TRACI
Yeah, Iím fine. Just havenít went this far before.

KEVIN
Donít worry, I got you.

KEVIN thrust his body harder into TRACI. She moans. TRACI holds on tight to him. He holds her back in return. TRACI looks out the corner of her eye to see blood flowing on the tiles of the locker room. She does a double take, as she turns her head in the direction of the blood.

In the corner of the locker sits the body of a teenage boy. Dead. Blood spills from his body.

TRACI
Ahhh!

TRACI pushes KEVIN off of her. KEVIN looks towards the body as the couple gets their clothes together. He can see that both eyes have been pulled out of the boys head. He looks back at TRACI.

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL - MOMENTS LATER

The police have arrived to the scene. POLICE OFFICER DAVID TURNER talks to the teenage couple.

OFFICER TURNER
And what were you doing at the school anyway.

TRACI
Well we were --

KEVIN cuts her off.

KEVIN
We wanted to get a head start on the Homecoming decorations. We were just leaving we smelt the odor coming from the locker room.

OFFICER TURNER
Kevin, you of all people should know no one is allowed in the building after midnight.

KEVIN
Yes I know.

OFFICER TURNER looks back at the police cars just arriving. Back at the high school where they are carrying the body out on a stretcher.

OFFICER TURNER
I know you kids did nothing wrong, but since you are the only witnesses we have, both of you will be brought in for questioning.

TRACI looks at KEVIN. More police cars are arriving to the scene.

OFFICER TURNER
Címon lets get you kids out of here.

INT. BEDROOM - MORNING

An alarm clock buzzes. A hand reaches for the snooze button. It reaches for the snooze button. TREVOR DAVIS - 16 YEARS OLD - pulls the bed covers off of his body. He gets out of bed. The sunlight in his eyes.

INT. BEDROOM - MOMENTS LATER

TREVOR slips on his t-shirt and jeans. Tying his shoes, TREVOR listens to music from his computer. An email comes through. It is a notice reminding him to come in early for work. He reads quickly throw it, then closing the window. Leaving his bedroom, TREVOR grabs his bookbag and binder. He closes his bedroom door behind him.

INT. STAIRS - SAME

TREVOR heads down the stairs, ready to leave the house. His mother calls for him from the kitchen.

MARY
Trevor, I fixed you breakfast.

TREVOR reaches the bottom of the stairs. His mother is waiting for him

TREVOR
Thanks, but I got to get going, big math test today.

MARY
Okay, but be sure to get something when you get there. Donít want you taking the test on an empty stomach.

TREVOR
Sure thing.

TREVOR gives his mother a kiss on the cheek.

MARY
Love you.

TREVOR
Love you too.

TREVOR leaves the house. His mother watching him go.

EXT. PARKING LOT - HIGH SCHOOL - LATER

TREVOR getting out of his car, locks the door, and walks towards the high school, as PATRICK WELLS - 16 YEARS OLD - joins him.


PATRICK
Have you heard.

TREVOR
Heard what?

PATRICK
They found MATTHEW GORDON dead in the locker room.

TREVOR is shocked by the news.

TREVOR
Matthew Gordon, isn't he in our science class.

PATRICK
Yes, but that is besides the point. I overheard the sheriff saying that they havenít caught the killer.

TREVOR
Someone killed him?

PATRICK
Yeah, it was the worst, his eyes were ripped from his sockets --

TREVOR and PATRICK reach the main courtyard of the high school.

TREVOR
Hold up, if they havenít caught who done it, that means that the killer is probably still out there.

PATRICK
I know itís crazy. The police are questioning everybody.


TREVOR
You don't think the killer is someone at the high school?

PATRICK
I doubt it, it doesn't seem that anybody here as the IQ capacity to pull of a murder. The police are just as clueless as we are.

PATRICK can see the worry in TREVORís eyes. They enter into the high school.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL - SAME

PATRICK
Youíre not scared, are you?

TREVOR
Yeah, I mean if they havenít caught him --

PATRICK
Calm down, the only thing you have to worry about is Mrs. Coyle, now thatís something to be scared of.

TREVOR gives a small smile.

PATRICK
Lighten up a little. You're too worried about this.

The school bell rings. The teenage boys head to class.

 
 








 



   
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Offline 2par

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Re: Tik Tik - Updated Draft - Better Script
« Reply #1 on: October 24, 2013, 09:47:22 PM »
Jackson, what is this - a film script?

Offline Jackson_Leigh

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Re: Tik Tik - Updated Draft - Better Script
« Reply #2 on: October 24, 2013, 09:49:39 PM »
Jackson, what is this - a film script?

No, it is the Pilot script for a TV drama.
Wait... What is a signature?

Lin

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Re: Tik Tik - Updated Draft - Better Script
« Reply #3 on: October 25, 2013, 03:02:19 AM »
My Mum was a TV actress and all her scripts were written thus:

TRACI:  You sure you want to do this?

KEVIN:  Relax, itís just sex. People do it all the time.

Traci looks back into his eyes as he smiles back at her. She leans in to kiss him.

KEVIN: Hold up, I want this to be special.


In the loft upstairs I have loads of old TV scripts, even one from Auf Wiedershen, Pet.

Lin  :D

Offline Chord

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Re: Tik Tik - Updated Draft - Better Script
« Reply #4 on: October 25, 2013, 07:03:17 AM »
The format is right for current TV stuff - though a variety of formats have been used in the past and for different situations. Radio scripts, Screenplays, TV comedy, TV drama. For a spec TV script it's spot on.

You know, it's OK, the writing is fine. The only problem I have with it is I've seen this SO many times, from Buffy the vampire slayer, through a million demon/vampire films in the 70's/80's and 90's. The locker room with dead kid scene is a total cliche, so is the priest in church with the demon turning up. Ok, you can use these scenes if the rest of the script is enough to make it different, but they're going to have to be REALLY different to grab attention.

Nothing at all wrong with your writing, but my reaction was 'been there, seen that' and I suspect it will be the same from a lot of people in the industry. Then again, sometimes the familiar sells so if you're determined to give it a go, good luck to you. :)

With a fat friend there is no such thing as a see-saw, only catapults.

hillwalker3000

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Re: Tik Tik - Updated Draft - Better Script
« Reply #5 on: October 25, 2013, 08:54:48 AM »
The writing is fine as others have said, but you have nothing original or intriguing on offer.

I'm afraid the plot is derivative of many slasher movies featuring 'adolescent teens' (?) - and the flat dialogue is completely lacking in drama. It needs the oomph factor and so far it's missing.

H3K

Offline 2par

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Re: Tik Tik - Updated Draft - Better Script
« Reply #6 on: October 25, 2013, 01:36:19 PM »
Today's TV dramas are very fast moving. This scene just seems to lie there and, as Chord said, it's all clichť. I think you've got the writing style ok but you're going to have to beef up the subject. I didn't get a MC concept. Who's the MC? What's he/she about? Remember, it's the characters that drive the story.