Author Topic: You Tricked Me!!! 3rd Draft - Needs Peer Review  (Read 1295 times)

Offline DJIsaac

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 63
  • Endings leave a bitter taste.
You Tricked Me!!! 3rd Draft - Needs Peer Review
« on: October 23, 2013, 01:46:19 PM »
Hello fine people of the Writers Circle

I am here today, looking for help developing my writing skills. Since 1994 I have had a dream of creating a world and have been working slowly upon that goal. It developed through RPG groups over the years and then finally a few years back a few other RPG'rs decided to make our characters into a huge book series, though I am sad to say that it does not seem they are as series in doing this as I am.

In the past several months I have taken it further and further along and so far have over 500 different files maping everything in the world and characters involved. While I am fully committed to doing my Characters story I have decided to start instead with the rest of the worlds History, and I found no better way of doing this then writing a whole bunch of short stories explaining this history out.

So far I have 20 short stories that at the minimum contain 10k words each, while others are more closer to the 100k word mark. All of these works, besides this one that I am asking for peer review of are between the first draft and third draft stages. This current work titles 'You Tricked Me!!' is just over 10k words and has just finished its 3rd draft editing. But before I do any more work on it I would like to submit it for peer review.

What I am interested in, is readability feedback.
Do you enjoy reading it? or hate it?
What do you like about it? or not like?
Do certain parts of it interest you? or is there a long drawl between those interesting paragraphs?

I need anything, and everything you can tell me about this single piece of work. Even if I havent asked the correct questions above.. If you feel you can say something about it please do.

             Here it is : You Tricked Me! - https://docs.google.com/document/d/1K8VhwczDixytEGVJ1HdHdB-lqFFOyF33AJ5hTvxejac/edit?usp=sharing


Thanks Again a thousand fold
Jerimiah Harris
is wishing life was a lighter shade of grey, Footsteps in the snow, Pools of Blood. Pain/sorrow/hate, another soul lost to madness

Offline Laura H

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 34447
Re: You Tricked Me!!! 3rd Draft - Needs Peer Review
« Reply #1 on: October 23, 2013, 04:34:24 PM »
Hi Jerimiah,

You're unlikely to get many takers on a link to a piece. Better to post a bit here for review. And do read the guidelines for the board before posting - http://mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=24729.0

Thanks & welcome,

Laura
“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” ― Maya Angelou

“Don't be like the rest of them, darling.” ― Eudora Welty

hillwalker3000

  • Guest
Re: You Tricked Me!!! 3rd Draft - Needs Peer Review
« Reply #2 on: October 23, 2013, 04:36:06 PM »
I suggest you explore this site and look at how it works before expecting us to click on a link posted by a stranger then offer peer review. It's not how MWC works.

As for your request - judging by the awkward way it's worded and a sense of underlying obsession (500 files!! wow) I'm not expecting great writing.

H3K

Offline DJIsaac

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 63
  • Endings leave a bitter taste.
Re: You Tricked Me!!! 3rd Draft - Needs Peer Review
« Reply #3 on: October 23, 2013, 06:32:35 PM »
 ???
wow, negativity right out the door, and without even reading my submission,

thanks, I appreciate the critique on my post requesting a critique

I had wrote a long post to this, but i figure if you didn't give my piece any of your time, im not going to waste mine explaining anything.

oh and thanks for calling it not great writing without even reading it, and basing your opinion on my request alone I was not aware I had to spend days upon days editing and rewording it like i do on my writings just so that it meets your high standards.

I would have appreciated a little :

 Writing that feels overly in love with itself for the sake of the words.
"Sameyness" in every paragraph and sentence.
A lack of empathizability with the protag.
A lack of forward motion.

Negative comments like that helps me develop my story more for an enjoyable read

Or positive comments like :

There's promise in the sentence-level writing.
It feels like the character has a voice; the voice needs refining for story purposes, but it's there and it's consistent and clear.

So that i know what to stick with. and work more into my other works.

Not that crap you felt deserving enough to post instead.

Thanks
Jerimiah Harris
is wishing life was a lighter shade of grey, Footsteps in the snow, Pools of Blood. Pain/sorrow/hate, another soul lost to madness

Offline bri h

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 18523
Re: You Tricked Me!!! 3rd Draft - Needs Peer Review
« Reply #4 on: October 23, 2013, 06:39:25 PM »
Hello Jeremiah. I DID read part of your tale. I can only comment thus . . .

Writing that feels overly in love with itself for the sake of the words.
"Sameyness" in every paragraph and sentence.
A lack of empathizability with the protag.
A lack of forward motion.

You make a lot of errors in your writing. As seen in the first few badly thought-out and written first sentences. This is only my opinion, hope you stick around and learn how to be a better writer. For the reasons quoted above by H3K and Laura, who took time out from their own busy schedules to leave a comment on your thread, I'm afraid I won't say anymore. See ya. Bri.
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

  • http://www.writestreet.com/writestree
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 31219
  • Hello from Texas
    • Alice's Hide Away
Re: You Tricked Me!!! 3rd Draft - Needs Peer Review
« Reply #5 on: October 23, 2013, 06:48:28 PM »
???
wow, negativity right out the door, and without even reading my submission,

thanks, I appreciate the critique on my post requesting a critique

I had wrote a long post to this, but i figure if you didn't give my piece any of your time, im not going to waste mine explaining anything.


DJIsaac, did you per chance think this was a site for free critiques and/or feedback?

Well, our members are a generous bunch and offer good reviews/critiques/feedback. But, we also expect others to do certain things also, like read and follow the guidelines.

Here is a link to the guidelines for this board. Please read and follow:
http://mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=24729.0 
MWC Charity Publications.
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight>
The universe is made of stories, not of atoms. -Muriel Rukeyser, poet and activist (15 Dec 1913-1980)

R. L. Copple's: http://www.rlcopple.com/

I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.
-Mohandas K. Gandhi

Offline ma100

  • Esteemed Contributor
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 30526
  • I don't need kinky boots, nothing will beat me.
Re: You Tricked Me!!! 3rd Draft - Needs Peer Review
« Reply #6 on: October 23, 2013, 06:52:17 PM »
Well Jerimiah, I'm not sure how it works in your RPG world, but here we are reciprocal boards. You have to give to receive. If you read the guidelines you would understand what I mean.

Getting members backs up is going to do you or your writing no favours at all.

We are one of the best writers sites in cyber space. Our members are very generous with their time if you are prepared to give your time too.

Laura has correctly told you, our members don't normally venture onto strange sites, indeed why should they.

The advice you crave is available on here, but I suggest you feel your way round the boards and see how giving our members are. Perhaps then you can post a piece of your work (say 800 words or so) so you get the advice you need.

Guys can we draw a line under this please and give Jerimiah a chance to feel his way round.

Offline DJIsaac

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 63
  • Endings leave a bitter taste.
Re: You Tricked Me!!! 3rd Draft - Needs Peer Review
« Reply #7 on: October 23, 2013, 07:05:16 PM »
sorry, i think Ive come to the wrong place. i have no idea what i want out of this, but what i am getting defiantly isn't it. as i said im not going to comment on someone else's writing when i don't even know if mine is alright, im not going to teach 4+4= 10 when it isn't. I came here for feedback to help me improve. not insult my intelligence. I've got a sister to do that for me... anyway. like i requested, please just delete both my threads ive created. Im obviously in the wrong place for what i was looking for.
is wishing life was a lighter shade of grey, Footsteps in the snow, Pools of Blood. Pain/sorrow/hate, another soul lost to madness

Offline Laura H

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 34447
Re: You Tricked Me!!! 3rd Draft - Needs Peer Review
« Reply #8 on: October 23, 2013, 07:11:22 PM »
We don't delete threads upon request, Jerimiah, but I'll be locking this one as it's going nowhere. You can delete your account, if you like.
“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” ― Maya Angelou

“Don't be like the rest of them, darling.” ― Eudora Welty