Author Topic: Crossing Over  (Read 1520 times)

Offline BMO.

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Crossing Over
« on: October 17, 2013, 04:11:59 PM »

The earth silent, the street empty.

I close my eyes and walk and open them to blinding white.

Beep, beep, the machines weep, they mourn in this grievous time.

Clear, clear, a deep voice cries;

singing along with mother's lullabies.

As I begin to feel drowsy, eyelids heavy, I realize my endeavour.

All I wanted, in revelation, was to sleep forever.

Offline heidi52

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Re: Crossing Over
« Reply #1 on: October 18, 2013, 06:32:25 AM »
Hi BMO welcome to the circle.

There is a lot to like in this short piece, but it could be tightened up some.

L2 and 3 bothered me. "Beep, beep, the machines weep" I found a bit jarring, almost comical.  I'm not sure where the lullabies are coming from, is the N hallucinating in his final moments?

Last 2 lines, you switch tense. Endeavor to me implies action so not sure that word works.

Sorry if this sounds like I am picking it apart, I just wanted to point out the places where I would rework it if it was mine.


Offline BMO.

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Re: Crossing Over
« Reply #2 on: October 18, 2013, 01:28:14 PM »
Thanks for the critique and the lines do seem awkward and confusing now that you mention it. I'll have to go back and make some changes.

Lines 1 and 2 represent the narrator's crossing into the afterlife. He will not wake again because of his desire to rest or because, he is already dead.

But that isn't obvious because I suck.

I admit I only put endeavour so it could rhyme with forever. A bit cheesy yeah.

Offline heidi52

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Re: Crossing Over
« Reply #3 on: October 18, 2013, 06:35:41 PM »

But that isn't obvious because I suck.


Has nothing to do with sucking. We know in our minds what we are trying to say, it's perfectly obvious to us, but not so to an outsider. That's what writing is all about. You write, you edit, you write you edit until you come up with something that doesn't suck.

JewelAS53

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Re: Crossing Over
« Reply #4 on: October 19, 2013, 08:37:19 AM »
Lines 1 and 2 represent the narrator's crossing into the afterlife. He will not wake again because of his desire to rest or because, he is already dead.

But that isn't obvious because I suck.

I founds L1 and L2 quite obvious.

Offline babin

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Re: Crossing Over
« Reply #5 on: October 24, 2013, 10:19:33 AM »
I totally missed that the speaker was already dead. I thought the speaker was commiting suicide and high on drugs. Which is always a fun and great topic.

Is there a reason that the lines are double spaced?

 I think it's better if the writer is alive, but at the last instant realizes he just wanted to sleep. You could end with something like too late.

I'm confused about the voices? Are you at a train track and is the "Clear" coming from the conductor? Otherwise, who is yelling "clear?"  Please clarify. And why does it sound like the speakers mother.

This is a good start.

--I'm new, please check out my work if you have a chance.

Offline sherry205

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Re: Crossing Over
« Reply #6 on: October 31, 2013, 10:32:42 AM »
Someones last breath...that's what I imagined when reading this - in both worlds at the time but then closes his/her eyes forever. I liked it. I'm new so I don't think I'll b picking it apart  :P

Offline bri h

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Re: Crossing Over
« Reply #7 on: October 31, 2013, 09:31:25 PM »
As I begin to feel drowsy, eyelids heavy, I realize my endeavour.however

All I wanted, in revelation, was to sleep forever.

Any good? Great read this. Bri.
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx