Author Topic: A poem for Malala Yousafzai  (Read 15498 times)

Offline shaan

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A poem for Malala Yousafzai
« on: October 09, 2013, 08:51:43 PM »
I need suggestions to improve it.
Thanks in advance!
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Most Updated version
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Malala, Symbol of hope

I am the light of knowledge
I rise out of darkness
and become the desire of life.

I dream
a new dawn
for the children of my county
I dream
a new land
for the mothers of my nation.

I dream
for every woman,
each one a light
a symbol of courage.
Turning the tide of ignorance.

Ignorants and cowards
fear my dreams
hate me, cut me apart.
But know that if my sun sinks,
many new moons will rise.

I rise out of darkness
from the verge of death
to become the desire of life.
I am the light of knowledge
I am Malala

----------------------------

A revised version of the poem is below:

Malala, Symbol of hope


I am the light, the light of knowledge
I will rise out of darkness
and will become the desire of life.

I dream
I dream a new dawn
for the children of my county
I dream a new land
for the mothers of my nation.

I dream
Every women becomes the light of knowledg,
becomes the symbol of courage
to turn the tides of ignorance.

why such Resurrection has been raised
on my dreams,
on the cognition of knowledge.
You, the ignorants, the cowards
As much as you fear my dreams
As much as you hate me
As much as you cut me apart in pieces
If my sun sank,
many new moons will rise.

Do remember, I am Malala
I became to life from the verge of death
I will become the desire of life,
I will rise out of darkness
I am the light, the light of knowledge
I am Malala

.............................................................

first version

For You Malala,

I am the rosary of the light of knowledge
I am the light, I am the light

As much as you hate me,
As much as you cut me apart in pieces,
I will become the desire of life,
and will rise out of darkness.

I am the rosary of the light of knowledge
I am the light, I am the light


O ye who fear my dreams,
o ye Ignorants,
why such Resurrection has been raised
on the cognition of knowledge.
My wish is just that
when each and every child of my country
see themselves in the mirror
They see a new dawn,
they see an interpretation of their dreams
in their reflections.


O ye who fear my dreams
As much as you hate me
As much as you cut me apart in pieces,
if my sun sank,
many new moons will rise.

I am the rosary of the light of knowledge
I am the light, I am the light
I became alive from the verge of death
Do remember, I am Malala!


I am the rosary of the light of knowledge
I am the light, I am the light
.........................
« Last Edit: October 16, 2013, 01:05:25 PM by shaan »

Offline Foxygen

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Re: A poem for Malala Yousafzai
« Reply #1 on: October 10, 2013, 02:57:25 AM »
What I like- the earnest nature of the poem, the subject matter, and some of the phrases.

What I think can be improved- nowadays poems aren't written with language like this, or if they are it's to purposely make a reference to something else. Words like "ye" or "O" don't need to be included to make it poetry. I also think it could be about half the size.

Offline shaan

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Re: A poem for Malala Yousafzai
« Reply #2 on: October 10, 2013, 07:30:35 AM »
What I like- the earnest nature of the poem, the subject matter, and some of the phrases.

What I think can be improved- nowadays poems aren't written with language like this, or if they are it's to purposely make a reference to something else. Words like "ye" or "O" don't need to be included to make it poetry. I also think it could be about half the size.

Foxy,

Thanks for the read up.
I really appreciate your comments.
I'm new to poetry and English, being my 2nd language, I'm still learning how to compose a prose in a poetic node :)
As I said, I would welcome any and all suggestions to improve my work.
thanks again!
S

Offline heidi52

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Re: A poem for Malala Yousafzai
« Reply #3 on: October 10, 2013, 08:49:45 AM »
I was happy to see a poem to Malala as she is my personal hero.  :)

I question the use of the word rosary. Is there a meaning I am unaware of? I only know it as a Catholic religious item, so I don't see how it fits.

I would like to see you rely less on repetition and expand more on what it means to be 'the light'. She surely is.  :)

Good start, just needs some work.

Shout out to the women of Saudi Arabia who are demanding the right to drive. Small steps lead to big strides.

Offline shaan

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Re: A poem for Malala Yousafzai
« Reply #4 on: October 10, 2013, 09:06:03 AM »
I was happy to see a poem to Malala as she is my personal hero.  :)

I question the use of the word rosary. Is there a meaning I am unaware of? I only know it as a Catholic religious item, so I don't see how it fits.

I would like to see you rely less on repetition and expand more on what it means to be 'the light'. She surely is.  :)

Good start, just needs some work.

Shout out to the women of Saudi Arabia who are demanding the right to drive. Small steps lead to big strides.

Heidi,
Thanks much for your valuable comments. They sure, mean a lot to me.
In fact, I wrote this poem in my language (Urdu) and I just put it together in English.  So definitely, I am open to all the suggestions I can get to make this poem a good piece.

The word 'rasary' basically is defined as a necklace of beads.  In my poem I used this as a metophore where each bead of rosary is lightened up with the light of knowledge.

I would also appreciate any other suggestions to tighten up this poem.

thanks again!

Offline MelissaChristina

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Re: A poem for Malala Yousafzai
« Reply #5 on: October 11, 2013, 03:38:04 AM »
I really like the changes you made in your revised version of the poem. :)

Offline heidi52

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Re: A poem for Malala Yousafzai
« Reply #6 on: October 11, 2013, 05:39:56 AM »
Your revision makes it a much stronger poem. Well done.

Offline shaan

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Re: A poem for Malala Yousafzai
« Reply #7 on: October 11, 2013, 07:05:34 AM »
I really like the changes you made in your revised version of the poem. :)

Thanks much for the encouraging words.

Offline shaan

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Re: A poem for Malala Yousafzai
« Reply #8 on: October 11, 2013, 07:06:16 AM »
Your revision makes it a much stronger poem. Well done.

Heidi,
Much thanks.
I would still appreciate any more suggestions :)

Offline heidi52

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Re: A poem for Malala Yousafzai
« Reply #9 on: October 11, 2013, 09:07:52 AM »
Sometimes it's easier to show how I would have done it, than to explain. What I tried to do was tighten it up, remove the archaic bits and dial down the repetition. Only a suggestion, so use or lose any of it.


I am the light of knowledge
I rise out of darkness
and become the desire of life.

I dream
a new dawn
for the children of my county
I dream
a new land
for the mothers of my nation.

I dream
for every woman,
each one a light
a symbol of courage.
Turning the tide of ignorance.

Ignorants and cowards
fear my dreams
hate me, cut me apart.
But know that if my sun sinks,
many new moons will rise.

I rise out of darkness
from the verge of death
to become the desire of life.
I am the light of knowledge
I am Malala


Offline 510bhan

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Re: A poem for Malala Yousafzai
« Reply #10 on: October 11, 2013, 11:01:30 AM »
Hi shaan -- let's hope more people feel the way you do. ;)

Second version is better and I like what Heidi's done too as it tightens it well. :)

Offline shaan

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Re: A poem for Malala Yousafzai
« Reply #11 on: October 11, 2013, 01:42:15 PM »
Sometimes it's easier to show how I would have done it, than to explain. What I tried to do was tighten it up, remove the archaic bits and dial down the repetition. Only a suggestion, so use or lose any of it.


I am the light of knowledge
I rise out of darkness
and become the desire of life.

I dream
a new dawn
for the children of my county
I dream
a new land
for the mothers of my nation.

I dream
for every woman,
each one a light
a symbol of courage.
Turning the tide of ignorance.

Ignorants and cowards
fear my dreams
hate me, cut me apart.
But know that if my sun sinks,
many new moons will rise.

I rise out of darkness
from the verge of death
to become the desire of life.
I am the light of knowledge
I am Malala



Heidi,

My humble thanks to you.
Yes, it now sounds much better and profound.
I would definitely take your suggestions and will update the version.
Thanks much again :D

Offline shaan

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Re: A poem for Malala Yousafzai
« Reply #12 on: October 11, 2013, 01:43:42 PM »
Hi shaan -- let's hope more people feel the way you do. ;)

Second version is better and I like what Heidi's done too as it tightens it well. :)

Sio,

Much Thanks for your part.
I always look forwards to your comments :)

thanks!

Offline intercat

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Re: A poem for Malala Yousafzai
« Reply #13 on: October 11, 2013, 07:28:21 PM »
I like the changes as well.  I think the first version edged on being preachy, and I couldn't really associate the poem to Malala in my head.  Your revisions really capture her voice or her spirit much more closely -- which is no small feat.  I saw her on Jon Stewart the other night, and I just have no words.

Offline shaan

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Re: A poem for Malala Yousafzai
« Reply #14 on: October 12, 2013, 02:13:01 AM »
I like the changes as well.  I think the first version edged on being preachy, and I couldn't really associate the poem to Malala in my head.  Your revisions really capture her voice or her spirit much more closely -- which is no small feat.  I saw her on Jon Stewart the other night, and I just have no words.

Thanks Inter,
In fact, as I mentioned, earlier or the original version of the poem was written in Urdu (Pakistani language) and then I translated into English where it lost the actual essence of it.
but I was also not comfortable with it so I rewrote it and that was the revision and then Heidi kindda suggested more suggestions to improve it further so the final product was not bad.
I thank you for your read up.