Author Topic: Visiting Kabloona  (Read 4619 times)

Offline bri h

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Re: Visiting Kabloona
« Reply #45 on: October 03, 2013, 08:15:29 PM »
 ;D Maybe both of you should 'Feck aff aff?'  ;D Gnight all. Bri.
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline heidi52

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Re: Visiting Kabloona
« Reply #46 on: October 04, 2013, 06:31:35 AM »
We F*cking Yanks don't need to exaggerate.


might be a good name for a rock band

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Visiting Kabloona
« Reply #47 on: October 04, 2013, 06:43:44 AM »
Aren't some countries huge?

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Visiting Kabloona
« Reply #48 on: October 04, 2013, 06:44:23 AM »
And Oz to Europe

Offline duck

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Re: Visiting Kabloona
« Reply #49 on: October 04, 2013, 08:47:27 AM »
Hi Tom
Enjoyed the poem as always. Thewre are two tiny bug bears for me and those are not so much the 2 the and the 2 of but the 2 in L3.
We bundle in canvas chairs entrenched in
breathless snow

Now I am pretty sure of how the line reads but it is open to interpretation, or am I wrong?
we bundle      in canvas chairs
we bundle in(to)     canvas chairs
 this would also affect whether the people or the chairs are entrenched.

I also understand who the he and the him always are but the switch from the he who is the friend telling the story of guy with cold inside and the he who is the man with cold inside and back seems hazy on first reading.
Otherwise great read.
Duck
« Last Edit: October 04, 2013, 08:52:36 AM by duck »

Offline Tom 10

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Re: Visiting Kabloona
« Reply #50 on: October 04, 2013, 09:45:54 AM »

Hi Duck,

I know what you mean about the chairs and the snow and the bundling.  Im not sure how better to word that to avoid ambiguity, or is the ambiguity in this case not particularly detrimental? 

I also understand your second point.  Prior drafts called the MC by name (Dave, coincidentally).  This prevented confusion with Kabloona the guy in the book.  It seemed to work better without the name, however, for a variety of reasons.  The steps I took, then, were to confine overt discussion of the book character to S.2, to use only a guy and never any pronouns to refer to him. Thus, all he and him references in the poem are to the poems MC (formerly Dave) only, and not to the book character.  Still, Id glad you made sense of it.  And thanks for reading and commenting.

Heidi and Sio - great maps, I love maps and the unexpected info.

 8)


Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Re: Visiting Kabloona
« Reply #51 on: October 04, 2013, 09:35:35 PM »
Okay Guys, we've had the geography lessons - can we get back to Tom's poem now?
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Offline jkaram

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Re: Visiting Kabloona
« Reply #52 on: October 05, 2013, 01:57:46 PM »
Hi Tom,

I enjoyed nature's footprints on this poem, especially with the cold specifics. An engaging winter vignette. :) I also like the character building, especially the friend giving the N a copy of the book with no cover and all of S4. I like the illustration of wife gone, but the syntax there trips me a bit- I wonder if a different word (wifeless?) might work better there; one other minor nitpick is that I think S3 L4 is a little lengthy and could be tightened without taking away from the image. I think the format you've chose really works and really love the sensations you conjure in the last stanza- feeding birch chunks to the fire- nice sensory appeal.

Janet



   

Offline Tom 10

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Re: Visiting Kabloona
« Reply #53 on: October 05, 2013, 04:02:30 PM »
Janet -

Thanks for the kind comments.  You are right about the cumbersomeness of the line about the surgeries, I'll look to see how best to shorten it.  I used "wife gone" to say she'd left, fed up with the rehabs and the self-medicating, not that she'd died or something. I suppose "wifeless" suggests the same, as why say anything if there'd never been a wife.   

Thanks for the FB, and the detail -- its good to see a poem through a reader's eyes.  :)

T