Author Topic: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?  (Read 7268 times)

Offline Plumjive

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Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
« Reply #45 on: September 28, 2013, 10:13:11 PM »
A good ride I hope.   I am one of those who don't know many close relationships.  I accept this and live.  Thing is, she was the second of the close ones and it is truly tough.  Mind tells me to hang on and proceed, that I've lived through adoption, foster homes, juvenile hall and prison.  That I've tread the highways seeking w/e random w/e might come along.  That I have been wild and alone and that it is familiar territory. No big deal.  At the same time my mind likes the bed we knew and her scent.  The years of pattern and behavior and life.  Having to draw from the habits of old makes me sigh in mind and in body.  Sadly, they are the same habits that made her leave me :P  So I board a train tomorrow.  Back home.

Offline Trejj

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Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
« Reply #46 on: September 28, 2013, 10:16:16 PM »
Sh(*&^t.  Well on a completely irrelevant point: I would love the scenery of that ride.  and if you are finally going to harness your talent for writing and hone it, you could be a new man by the time you get to Oregon...is that 2 days?

Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it's thinking of yourself less.
 - C.S. Lewis

Offline bri h

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Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
« Reply #47 on: September 28, 2013, 10:22:30 PM »
At the same time my mind likes the bed we knew, and her scent. 
The years of pattern, behavior and life. 
Having to draw from the habits of old
makes me sigh in mind and body. 
Sadly they are the same habits that made her leave me.   
So I board a train tomorrow. To go back home.

And you say you're not a poet? I beg to differ, friend.

(hope you didn't mind me 'fiddling' with your words?) Bri.
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline Trejj

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Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
« Reply #48 on: September 28, 2013, 10:24:34 PM »
Birian that was genius.  You're like the 'poet whisperer'.

That is pretty good says me
Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it's thinking of yourself less.
 - C.S. Lewis

Offline Plumjive

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Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
« Reply #49 on: September 28, 2013, 10:51:20 PM »
!

Offline fire-fly

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Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
« Reply #50 on: September 29, 2013, 02:11:55 AM »
Guys, please, this is a Review board. If you wish to chit chat, not a problem. Head into to the bar or the Coffee Shop in general and do that.

For every post in here, you bring this topic back to the top, decreasing the chances of the next poster getting a crit on their work.

http://mywriterscircle.com/index.php?board=6.0

Coffee Shop = Chat

Review Boards = Work.
I'm A Binge Thinker: Do It A Lot Somedays, Then Not Much At All.

Don't take life too seriously, none of us get out of it alive. >:D


hillwalker3000

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Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
« Reply #51 on: September 29, 2013, 07:05:20 AM »
I enjoyed reading this - a very eloquent piece. Some of the writing shows a real feel for language and the impact of a well-chosen metaphor.
It dropped from the roof of the lodge like a cougar to prey: clawing my body and gashing my thighs. . .
is particularly striking.

I also managed to figure out the context once I saw the word 'sun-dance'.

But - there are some buts. . .

Openings are critical and on first reading I didn't understand the opening sentence. I assumed the narrator had been lying face-down so didn't feel 'my forehead' the correct phrase. It later became obvious you had been kneeling with your forehead touching the ground in supplication. Maybe that needs making clearer.

Also I didn't get a clear indication who you were or why you were taking part in the ceremony. You could just as easily have been a culture tourist or stoned hippy looking for some new experience to write in their journal. Despite the realistic descriptions that put us there inside the lodge with you, I didn't get a feel for the significance of your rite of passage.

I think you can tighten this - and maybe have a better defined resolution on which to close. It started to become a little too unfocused beyond the three-quarter mark. Almost losing its way in the poetry.

You also need to look at how apostrophes are used if you're looking to get your work published.

Finally I'll end with an adverb. You use far too many, and most of them do your writing no favours.

I slowly crawled
I looked up and immediately began staring
sun-dance scars held my eyes absolutely
Eventually it released its hold
the ground wasn't particularly comfortable to sit on
My heart began to seriously outpace the drum
Desperately seeking relief
the images were directly tied to my thoughts
I was absolutely incapable of thinking them back to stone
I was intimately familiar with this exact pain.
If I hadn’t been so thoroughly devoid of moisture
embracing me as thoroughly as the steam
the ceremony had called to a deeply buried toxin


Ask yourself how many of these add anything. . . and how many are there to bulk up the word count.

H3K

Offline heidi52

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Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
« Reply #52 on: September 29, 2013, 08:46:57 AM »
Coming in late but I'm glad we finally got back on track. I enjoyed your story and I read it all the way through. You write well.

I had the same questions about your MC as H3K, I'm guessing he's not Native American. However I'm willing to read more of your story and find out. I don't expect to get the whole picture in the first bit.

You asked way back there if you will ever sleep at night instead of going over your MCs journey? Ha! Good luck with that!  :D :D

Glad you came back. Put your big boy thick skin on, it's the only way you will learn.  ;)

Offline Plumjive

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Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
« Reply #53 on: October 07, 2013, 11:08:56 PM »
@ The mod's - Sorry guys.  The wine and the attention made me forget that MWC 'Review my work' isn't a personal chat room/diary.  Sorry all.

@H3K- Ty.  For what it is worth your feedback is most welcomed by me.  I agree- I have fillers and attempts at w/e that aren't needed.  If I could edit this I would.  Soon™ :P

@Heidi - Thick skin = on!  This forum and my little writings are a first for me.  Never written or posted anything anywhere ever.  I've been soft and that is meh.  Its go time.  I wish to see what pro. writers think of my s***.  Truly.  Pro's, can I be you?  That's my ?

Offline Trejj

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Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
« Reply #54 on: October 07, 2013, 11:13:33 PM »
WB.  Glad you haven't disappeared.  Looking forward to future posts.
Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it's thinking of yourself less.
 - C.S. Lewis

Offline Plumjive

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Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
« Reply #55 on: October 07, 2013, 11:16:02 PM »
Trejj..if there was a spot to chat about the train ride (as you showed an interest in that) I'd be down.  It was amazing.

Offline Trejj

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Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
« Reply #56 on: October 07, 2013, 11:22:23 PM »
I think you lived out one of my dreams there.  but it's almost midnight east coast....next time.
Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it's thinking of yourself less.
 - C.S. Lewis

Offline Plumjive

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Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
« Reply #57 on: October 07, 2013, 11:23:05 PM »
G'night sir.

Offline Plumjive

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Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
« Reply #58 on: December 29, 2018, 02:29:15 AM »
I check this, from time to time....6k+ views? Not too shabby.

As if #'s matter :P

Offline heartsongjt

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Re: Little story - 1000 words. 1008?
« Reply #59 on: December 30, 2018, 09:35:58 AM »
I check this, from time to time....6k+ views? Not too shabby.

As if #'s matter :P

My next door neighbor  has a "sweat" house. He described some of his experiences. I enjoyed the read. I hope you will share more of your writing.      Jan
Words are Weapons of Demons and Saints