Little story - 1000 words. 1008?

[Plumjive]

-deleted-

[bri h]

On first reading, I'm finding this lovely. I'm a bit tired and ready for bed, so if you don't mind I'll save any crits for later in the day. Ok a quickie . . . 'breathes' should be 'breaths.' and I think you want a question mark at the end of one of your ellipses. Gnight/morning. Bri.

[Plumjive]

Ty Bri.  I'll research what ellipse is and fix this.  Ty for reading.

[bri h]

English Ellipse =  . . .  American =...       ellipses. ok? And you're welcome. I learned how to do em here as well. B

[Plumjive]

Ah, awesome. ty again.  I put '...' when I do not know what to properly put there.

[bri h]

hang on

[bri h]

I heard something...? In the English version it would read
'I heard something . . . ?'  That kinda thing. B

[Plumjive]

I know many of you are pro's at this.  I am sorry since all that I write is going to be bad with punctuation and the like. (why I am scared to critique anyones work..I am doing this by feel if anything)  I have no idea what I am doing.  Well, not an educated idea anyhow.  Glad some of the - and ... and 's were good lol

[bri h]

I'm no pro, plum. I just remember some of the good things I've been taught here. And I like to pass em on. You're in a better position with your writing than I'll ever be. Don't be hard on yourself and keep writing. You're doing great. Wait till the rest of the Brits see this. They'll come out of the woodwork to crit this. And it won't hurt. It'll all be good supportive stuff. Well, Most of em will be. Just remember, they're critting the words and technique. NOT the author. A lesson I learned the hard way. A crit is easy. Just say what you liked about the story/poem/script, and what you didn't. These are all just opinions. Not hard fact. Enjoy this time, you're gonna learn so much AND have fun. Resp, Bri.

[Plumjive]

you kickass Bri. Ty.

[bri h]

Who's arse am I kicking? Do I get to choose? heh heh. Thanks for the comp. Appreciate it. And I like making new friends. So you get to see my bias. heh heh. B

[510bhan]

Hi Plumjive, we often witter on about the importance of the opening line . . . I got confused [cultural thing, I know] and thought the 'lodge' was . . . in sequence:

1. a grand house -- no
2. a masonic lodge - they have weird rituals -- no
3. also thought of Orange Lodge  but because of dismissing #2, nixed that thought
4. getting confused now -- beaver's lodge -- no

Oh FFS I'm getting really annoyed trying to work out what this is . . . and that's before I managed to get any further.

If you could somehow clarify the lodge more precisely then the reader [and there could be more things  like me out there, let's hope not, but hey] won't suffer any confusion or frustration. Even working through the first paragraph, because I didn't have a clear idea of what a lodge was and still wasn't any wiser until near the end of the sixth sentence when sun-dance was mentioned I hadn't a lulu where I was. I'd have been a lost reader because of the opening sentence.

mans chest ----> man's chest

[510bhan]

Maybe even a title change could set up the scene for the reader. 

[Plumjive]

I posted here on MWC what I thought was a poem about a year ago.  A member replied with some heavy stuff, and even someone like myself could see he was well read and smart. So I decided I am not a poet.  And I thought I'd try story stuff.  This was my first attempt as I read here on MWC 1k is a solid place to shoot for for a little story.  It has evolved into a real story though...huge.  Like, I have pages on characters and places and things.  My self doubt and ego and memories make this writing thing harder than it should be, but I am going to try.  I do not have many other options really Just want to know if I have what it takes.  

One thing I have found is when writing on something, like my bad guys for instance, I will look out the window and see them in the shadows.  Wings unfurling and piercing glares... 100% sober.  Is writing supposed to shape the world like this?  Or am I crazy?  I am comfortable with either option btw.

Plum

[Plumjive]

Ty 510...on it.