Author Topic: Equinox  (Read 1602 times)

Offline jkaram

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Equinox
« on: September 22, 2013, 09:41:20 AM »
A red car ahead blurred
in rain mixed with light.
The best side of my shirt touches
my skin, inside-out. I follow two parallel
water tracks. I pulled up the oval window-
shade while in flight the other day,
saw clouds reflected in summer lakes.
I'll land in Lubbock tonight, spend time
in between clouds and changes,
watch the first leaves of autumn
turn, while others fall the same
way at home as on distant roads.

« Last Edit: September 26, 2013, 01:44:44 PM by jkaram »

Offline Tom 10

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Re: Equinox
« Reply #1 on: September 22, 2013, 10:33:43 AM »
Hi Janet,

I make no claim I got this right, but today is the Autumnal Equinox and the Narrator is doing a kind of personal inventory, and much of the poem reads like "notes to self", at least that's the way I take it.  First two lines are engaging -- I love the "blurred in rain mixed with light".  I wasn't sure about the shirt -- my first thought was the rain had it clinging and thus feeling differently, but I think its just that, inside out, it suggests N. either dressed hastily, or heedlessly.  The image of the street ahead in the rain with the paths tires make in the water is vivid, precise.  Then the recollection of being in a plane and seeing the reflection of the sky in whole lakes seems so large-vista, and then juxtaposed with being in Lubbock, in clouds.  I took that to be either a layer of clouds while descending, or ground fog.  In either case, certainly more confined, but seemly accepted by .  Its a nice gentle last two lines that suggest N.'s comfort level with what s/he has determined to be her place or niche in the world, however temporary or not. 
I enjoyed the read,  thanks for posting this.

 8)

T

Offline jkaram

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Re: Equinox
« Reply #2 on: September 22, 2013, 10:46:00 AM »
Thank you Tom. You got most of it! The inside-out shirt was intended to illustrate the N's intuitive stance and inclination to nonconformity (if it feels right)  :) thanks for your kind words...

Offline Tom 10

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Re: Equinox
« Reply #3 on: September 22, 2013, 10:58:34 AM »

Hi again,

The re-write is pretty major, I mostly like it.  There is a new clarity to most of the lines. :)
To my ear, L.9 begs to be "reassigned" (deleted), with a comma after "clouds".  Just a suggestion.
I very much like the new ending, and this change may help set the right tone for it. 
Just my opinion.  Use or lose. :) :)

T

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Equinox
« Reply #4 on: September 22, 2013, 11:04:51 AM »
Hi jkaram -- if I had to suggest anything, tiny nit, as most of the poem deals with things in present tense perhaps change the opening to:

There's a red car ahead blurred
in rain mixed with light.

A red car ahead blurs
in rain mixed with light.

Also I looked down while in flight . . . thought a duck had entered the poem until I got to the next line ::) :-[

water tracks. I looked down while
in flight the other day, saw clouds
reflected in summer lakes. I'll land in Lubbock

water tracks. From seat 8B while [or whatever phrase might better indicate you are on a plane JMO]
in flight the other day, I saw clouds
reflected in summer lakes. I'll land in Lubbock

I enjoyed this though and the comments are just personal preference. ;)

Offline heidi52

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Re: Equinox
« Reply #5 on: September 22, 2013, 11:12:36 AM »
I personally liked the ambiguity of 'flying', because I thought he was imagining what it would be like fly and be able to see the clouds from above with their undersides reflected in the lakes.

So even though I knew the N was in a plane when 'I'll land in Lubbock' it kept the plane out of the picture, kept it from intruding so to speak.

Enjoyed reading, thanks for sharing.

I started this before you made the new changes, so disregard everything I said.  :D :D Except that I liked it. I gotta be quicker.
« Last Edit: September 22, 2013, 11:14:53 AM by heidi52 »

Offline jkaram

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Re: Equinox
« Reply #6 on: September 22, 2013, 11:15:30 AM »
Sorry Tom, really though I was done and then the fiddler in me just can't seem to stop  :D I deleted L9, thanks for that.

Sio  :) thanks very much. I was afraid of the bird perspective haha- wanted to work in that oval window so perfect opportunity. Great tips as always, much appreciated!

Offline jkaram

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Re: Equinox
« Reply #7 on: September 22, 2013, 11:28:35 AM »
 :D :D bad habit Heidi, I gotta quit that  ;) Glad you enjoyed, I've missed writing and time spent being inspired by you all. Thanks for the read and your comments.

Offline Mark T

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Re: Equinox
« Reply #8 on: September 26, 2013, 07:25:46 AM »

Hi Jay, nice piece. Lubbock is in Texas, right? So I guess there were some personal elements to this journey, almost a hasty, road-trip feel. My only suggie would be a comma after 'turn' in the penultimate line.

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Re: Equinox
« Reply #9 on: September 26, 2013, 01:04:17 PM »
Hi Jay, nice piece. Lubbock is in Texas, right? So I guess there were some personal elements to this journey, almost a hasty, road-trip feel. My only suggie would be a comma after 'turn' in the penultimate line.

I'm obviously not Jay, but yes, Lubbock is in Texas. It's also home of the Red Raiders football team at Texas Tech.

Jay, I've read your poem a few times and like it.

But I have to tell you, due to my flighty mind at times, the song Lubbock In My Review Mirror tried to take over in my head. Probably because I grew up about 30 miles south of Lubbock.  ;)
MWC Charity Publications.
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight>
The universe is made of stories, not of atoms. -Muriel Rukeyser, poet and activist (15 Dec 1913-1980)

R. L. Copple's: http://www.rlcopple.com/

I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.
-Mohandas K. Gandhi

Offline jkaram

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Re: Equinox
« Reply #10 on: September 26, 2013, 02:15:31 PM »
Mark- Thanks for having a look and your comments. You were right, the comma was needed  :). I've taken 3 trips back to back in the past month, so there is something to feeling only half put-together. My observations about different perspectives have been heightened during my time looking out from the window seat and I have enjoyed seeing the world from up high in this respect. The poem's also about changing seasons both literally and figuratively, internally and externally. The inside-out shirt is partly an analogy for that.

Offline jkaram

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Re: Equinox
« Reply #11 on: September 26, 2013, 02:16:33 PM »
Alice- I understand! :D Thanks for the read and comments.