Author Topic: 24 Hours to Spend a Million Dollars | Adult Language  (Read 6270 times)

Offline arowe87

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24 Hours to Spend a Million Dollars | Adult Language
« on: September 05, 2013, 10:18:54 PM »
Here's a couple scenes from about halfway through my first script that I'm working on. Contest winners have 24 hours to spend a million dollars, but they can't keep anything. Sorry about formatting, best I could get on here. Thanks for your input.



INT. Best Buy - 6:00 PM
Dennis and Krow place a bet to see who is the better hockey player. Except instead of shooting on a net, they use the biggest TV Best Buy has to offer, which is roughly the same size.

KROW
OK, so just to be clear, you're betting you can score 4 or more times in 10 shots to win.

DENNIS
Yup, if you stop 7 out of 10, you win.

KROW
Deal.

The guys shake on it and walk up to the nearest employee.

KROW
Excuse me fine sir, what is the largest TV I can buy for $5,000?

SALES ASSOCIATE
Well, we have this Sharp 86" TV on sale for $4,999 this week only if you're interested.

KROW
We'll take two.

DENNIS
Two? That's pretty cocky of you.

KROW
I was being generous.

SALES ASSOCIATE
Do you need help bringing them to your car?

KROW
If you could please you unbox them and bring them to the parking lot.

SALES ASSOCIATE
It's highly recommended that you leave it in the box until you get home. It's much safer that way. But would you like a warranty? We always recommend a warranty. This one time I declined the warranty and let me tell you...

DENNIS
It's alright dude, these won't be making it home anyways.

KROW
It's like fucking a wealthy virgin, no protection necessary.

The sales associate walks away in shock.

INT. Athlete's World - 6:15 PM
Dennis & Krow go next door to stock up on hockey equipment, and immediately run in to an attractive sales associate named JESSICA, who is wearing a tight referee uniform.

JESSICA
Hello, welcome to Athlete's World, my name is Jessica, let me know if I can do anything for you.

KROW
The real question, Jessica, is if I can do anything for you.

JESSICA
Umm...you could buy something I guess.

DENNIS
We're going to need a a pair of hockey gloves, a right handed stick, some stick tape, a couple of those orange balls that sting like a motherfucker...

KROW
A goalie glove, blocker, mask, pads, chest protector, a goalie jock and stick and your phone number?

JESSICA
Oh my God! Really?

DENNIS
Phone number is optional.

JESSICA
If you're serious about the equipment, you can have it.

DENNIS
Oh and a pair of those finger shoe things, size 11 mens.

KROW
(Mimicking Jessica)
Oh my God! Really? If you think those are going to help you win the bet, you're in for a surprise.

DENNIS
What, I heard they were actually pretty good but I didn't want to spend my own money on them.

JESSICA
I have a pair.

KROW
Do you ever...look, we're having the party to end all parties tonight at Dance Cave. You and your girls are invited, but you have to wear that outfit...it's fucking amazing.

JESSICA
Is it free entry for us girls?

KROW
Free everything for you girls.

JESSICA
Then we'll be there.

DENNIS
Perfect. But can we borrow you for a minute, we're having a shootout in the parking lot and we need an official referee.

JESSICA
I've never refereed anything in my life before, and honestly I don't really watch hockey.

DENNIS
I'm going to pretend you never said that.

KROW
Just take your break. You deserve it. You just sold a shit ton of brand new hockey equipment I really want to keep...

Ext. Best Buy Parking Lot - 6:30 PM
The sales associate has unwrapped two 86" TV's 10 feet apart against a wall, and Krow is in front of one with Dennis 30 feet away practicing his stick handling. Jessica is on the goal line acting as the goal judge and the sales associate is still in disbelief.

KROW
Hey Jess, can you wear this little camera for us? We need to verify every shot in case of a dispute, this is very important.

JESSICA
Sure, why not?

Krow removes his clip-on camera and attaches it to Jessica's shirt while admiring her cleavage.

DENNIS
You ready numbnuts?

KROW
Born ready jerkoff...try not to embarrass yourself in front of sweet Jessica.

Dennis scores, and destroys two TVs on his first two shots.

DENNIS
Pardon moi?

KROW
I've clearly underestimated my buzz. But you still need two more to win hombre. Hey Best Buy guy, we need another TV.

DENNIS
Do we really? We could have just bought one when I think about it.

KROW
Coulda, shoulda...whatever...just take your shot pretty boy.

Krow stops six of the next seven shots, so it comes down to the last breakaway.

JESSICA
That's three goals on nine shots by my count.

KROW
You count very well for a knockout.

JESSICA
Umm...thanks?

KROW
It all comes down to this beautiful, beautiful save.

DENNIS
Wow...I can't decide between the Mighty Ducks triple deke or the Young Blood special.

JESSICA
Huh?

SALES ASSOCIATE
How much did you guys bet anyways?

KROW
Five bucks.

SALES ASSOCIATE
What the fuck, you spent $15,000 on a $5 bet?

DENNIS
You can't put a price on bragging rights.

Dennis combines the Young Blood move and the Mighty Ducks triple deke and scores glove side.

KROW
Fuck!!!

Krow absolutely destroys both TVs into a million pieces with his stick and rips off his equipment in a violent rage.

DENNIS
Ohhh Monty! That Burns, don't it.

KROW
Fuck you and your finger-toed shoes.

DENNIS
I wish we hired a caricature artist so I could have this moment on my wall for the rest of my life.

Dennis happily takes down Jessica's phone number and takes back the camera while Krow storms off back to the limo. The Best Buy guy looks ready to cry at the expensive TVs that are shattered all over the parking lot.

Offline 2par

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Re: 24 Hours to Spend a Million Dollars | Adult Language
« Reply #1 on: September 06, 2013, 12:42:55 AM »
They bought stuff. Whether or not the objects were destroyed, they could be disqualified.They can NOT buy anything. However, they can rent stuff.

Offline Chord

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Re: 24 Hours to Spend a Million Dollars | Adult Language
« Reply #2 on: September 06, 2013, 03:50:40 AM »
It's a nice gag but it has a few problems.

1. There is a difference between action and narration. Move your initial explanation outside the script. That is just telling us what has happened in previous scenes and has no place there. In the script we just have what they do, what they say and, sometimes, how they say/do it. You say in one piece of action 'the salesperson had...'  don't do that. Either do 'the salesman places...' or say 'The two TV's now face each other on the parking lot...'

2. There is no sense of urgency in it. They've got 24 hours - from the title - yet they're wandering round doing their Beavis and Butthead impression, it just doesn't fit in with the concept. Most of the dialogue is pointless, not moving the story forward at all. You could trim half of it and get a much stronger effect.

3. There is almost zero conflict. The closest is the surprised salesperson. How about a cop turning up saying 'What the hell are you doing?' He's not going to let them smash TV's up on the parking lot, even if they own them. What about the glass shards for cars or kids. How about the other shop owners. What about passers by? There is so much possible conflict here and you don't use any of it.

As I say, it's a good gag. To turn it into story you need to add in that conflict and urgency. I got the gag in the first few lines. The rest of it bored the hell out of me because it didn't go anywhere. I got a shopping list of hockey gear (boring) a ditzy girl who just caves in to two idiots cos they promised free drinks and a totally unrealistic event. Sorry to be harsh about it but with conflict and pace this could be good.


Incidentally, you know this has been done a couple of times already, notably in Brewster's millions but I recall a couple of other films with the same premise. Not that it's a big issue in itself but you're really going to need to put a different angle on it if you want to sell this.


« Last Edit: September 06, 2013, 03:58:36 AM by Chord »
With a fat friend there is no such thing as a see-saw, only catapults.

hillwalker3000

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Re: 24 Hours to Spend a Million Dollars | Adult Language
« Reply #3 on: September 06, 2013, 12:32:00 PM »
The main problem was that some of the dialogue didn't make sense and much of the rest was banal.

DENNIS
Two? That's pretty cocky of you.

Why would a salesman say that? And what does Krow mean about being generous?
KROW
It's like fucking a wealthy virgin, no protection necessary.

How does that work?
Also the scene from the sales enquiry to the TV sets being delivered into their cars - it's such an abrupt jump that it made the entire sales pitch about warranties etc. irrelevant.

As for this part:
JESSICA
Hello, welcome to Athlete's World, my name is Jessica, let me know if I can do anything for you.
KROW
The real question, Jessica, is if I can do anything for you.


and

JESSICA
I have a pair.
KROW
Do you ever...look, we're having the party to end all parties tonight at Dance Cave. You and your girls are invited, but you have to wear that outfit...it's fucking amazing.


'Dumb and Dumber' springs to mind but not in a good way.

It's all punch-line and no build-up.
Spending a million dollars on something that can't be kept by the contestant winners might make for an interesting scenario. But playing a game of hockey using TV sets as goals and wearing full gear seems a feeble and time-consuming way of blowing a fortune. And after all their efforts, $15,000 creates barely a dent.

H3K

Offline 2par

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Re: 24 Hours to Spend a Million Dollars | Adult Language
« Reply #4 on: September 06, 2013, 03:15:03 PM »
You presented this concept on another thread. I suggested Brewster's Millions to you. Did you get it yet?
I never addressed the dialogue or structure here because I've done that before and trust you will heed Chord's response.
And, remember, they cannot BUY anything.

Offline arowe87

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Re: 24 Hours to Spend a Million Dollars | Adult Language
« Reply #5 on: September 07, 2013, 06:34:57 PM »
Thanks 2par, I did watch it recently. However the circumstances and rules of spending are very different from Brewster's Millions. In my script they are allowed to purchase items, but they can't keep them when the 24 hours are up.

Thanks for the input Chord.

1) I'll try to work on this.

2) Perhaps the title isn't perfectly accurate. They don't NEED to spend every last penny, they just have that much at their disposal. If they wanted to canoe down a river all day they could, because that's what they want the most. This is only 6 hours into the 24 hour span, there will be more urgency towards the end. Right now they're just having fun and realizing how hard it actually is to spend a million dollars so quickly when you can't buy a house/car/education/donate/travel/etc.

3) Something to think about, thanks. I don't think it's too unrealistic though, and it would be fun. In Brewster's Millions, Monty plays the New York Yankees and almost becomes the Mayor...I don't think breaking a couple TVs is too far-fetched. Though I was thinking about having Dennis & Krow pay the employee $1,000 to clean up the mess. Not bad for an hour or two of work.

Thanks for the input hillwalker3000.

The "generous" is implying Dennis won't be able to score more than once or twice (thus breaking each TV). I was thinking about having them buy four TVs instead and reworking the scene (and possibly 4x DVD players, DVDs, extension cords - this way Dennis would be shooting against something more interesting than a black screen, and more likely a crowd would gather in the parking lot).

If she's rich, then you're set for life, and if she's never had sex, there's no STD risk. Krow is kind of an asshole to begin with, but now he's drinking and has more money than he knows what to do with.

They don't have to spend every dollar that's available, it's more about doing things they couldn't otherwise possibly do. If they bought 4 TV's, the price would go up, but even still $1,000,000 / 24 = ~42k/hour. So 15-30k in half an hour is on pace.

Offline 2par

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Re: 24 Hours to Spend a Million Dollars | Adult Language
« Reply #6 on: September 07, 2013, 06:53:33 PM »
Hmm, well it sounds like you're making it easy on your guys. Where's the conflict, the barriers to their goal?

hillwalker3000

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Re: 24 Hours to Spend a Million Dollars | Adult Language
« Reply #7 on: September 08, 2013, 06:17:33 AM »
I was thinking about having them buy four TVs instead and reworking the scene (and possibly 4x DVD players, DVDs, extension cords - this way Dennis would be shooting against something more interesting than a black screen, and more likely a crowd would gather in the parking lot).

'interesting'? Define 'interesting.

H3K

Offline Chord

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Re: 24 Hours to Spend a Million Dollars | Adult Language
« Reply #8 on: September 08, 2013, 06:59:41 AM »
If you can pay an employee $1000 to clean up, why not just pay the girl $1,000,000 for a date, then you're sorted.
With a fat friend there is no such thing as a see-saw, only catapults.

Offline 2par

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Re: 24 Hours to Spend a Million Dollars | Adult Language
« Reply #9 on: September 08, 2013, 10:30:11 AM »
Now there's 'common sense' for ya.