Author Topic: Chapter 1 Untitled part 2  (Read 1574 times)

Offline randy7

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Chapter 1 Untitled part 2
« on: July 06, 2013, 06:10:38 AM »
Here's part 2

    I reached for the coffee that I brought from Joe’s coffee shop off Main Street and picked the mail that Gretchen had left on my desk – really a letter from the bank already it can’t be a statement as it wasn’t the end of the month yet. I opened it and began reading. It was confirming the deposit that I made on the seventh for $15,000. The account number was correct, but I didn’t make it. It has to be a mistake. I called out the Gretchen. “Do you know anything about this?” I showed her the letter.

    “No, I can’t that I do,” she said. “Maybe that man who was here earlier has something to do with it?”

    “You could be right,” I said.

    Gretchen left the closing the door behind her. I gathered my thoughts. I glanced at my watch, a present from Wilma. “Okay, it’s time for some lunch.” During which time I consider my next move.

Offline bri h

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Re: Chapter 1 Untitled part 2
« Reply #1 on: July 06, 2013, 07:08:29 AM »
“Okay, it’s time for some lunch.” During which time I consider my next move.

Ya kidding right? He's just found out he has £15,000 deposited in his bank account and so he just toddles off to have lunch? This is soooooooo unlikely. I'd be at the bank trying to sort out who left it and whether I could be 'keeping' it! I won't comment on your vocabulary or spelling mistakes cos they're the same ones as part one, B
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

hillwalker3000

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Re: Chapter 1 Untitled part 2
« Reply #2 on: July 06, 2013, 08:53:59 AM »
This is not good.

I reached for the coffee that I brought from Joe’s coffee shop off Main Street and picked the mail that Gretchen had left on my desk

The underlined bits are of no interest to the reader. We want action not trivial detail.

– really a letter from the bank already it can’t be a statement as it wasn’t the end of the month yet.
And I have no idea why you include this. Don't banks write to their customers as well as issue statements? It's a clunky way of suggesting there might be an 'interesting' plot development around the corner.

I opened it and began reading.
It was a letter. What else would you do with it? Take it out to lunch? At times this is like walking through wet tar.

It was confirming the deposit that I made on the seventh for $15,000. The account number was correct, but I didn’t make hadn't made it. It has had to be a mistake. I called out the ?? Gretchen. “Do you know anything about this?” I showed her the letter.
Try trimming:

A deposit had been made into my account on the seventh for $15,000. I showed Gretchen the letter. “Do you know anything about this"

The fact that the narrator didn't personally make the deposit himself is hardly earth-shattering. Why would he assume it's a mistake? Doesn't his business earn money from a variety of sources?

    “No, I can’t say that I do. (,” she said. “) Maybe that man who was here earlier has something to do with it?”

It's obvious who speaks these lines. But why would she jump to such a bizarre conclusion?

    Gretchen left room the closing the door behind her.
ARGH!!!!!!!

I gathered my thoughts. Why? How? I glanced at my watch, a present from Wilma. Does any of this matter?

“Okay, it’s time for some lunch.” During which time I considered my next move.
Pointless - it tells us nothing and the plot has ground to a halt.

I'm sorry, but you're still making the same basic errors -concentrating on unimportant bits and pieces instead of on the plot itself. 75% of this scene can be safely dumped. If you keep filling the page with ballast no one is going to have the patience to continue reading.

H3K

Offline LRSuda

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Re: Chapter 1 Untitled part 2
« Reply #3 on: July 08, 2013, 01:29:23 PM »
Nor would readers have the patience to figure out what you are trying to say. The first sentence is excessively long. The subject changes from your protagonist's actions, to Gretchen leaving mail on his desk, to his pondering the bank statement, back to his actions. This is what's referred to as a run-on sentence (I think) because the subject keeps changing. One subject per sentence; that's an unbreakable rule.

I would suggest taking your time. Figure out what quintessential human emotion is driving the plot, and then work out a plot. It takes a lot of time, persistence and energy to write well. Stephen King said "the first million words are practice." And it's true. So, try not to get discouraged. Peruse the critiques on the boards and glean from them what you can. You'll find a list of good books on writing in a topic on the All The Write Questions board. (Sorry, don't remember the topic title.) Just peruse, ask questions, and keep trying to get it right. You can learn a lot here if you develope a thick skin. 

Offline bobby801

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Re: Chapter 1 Untitled part 2
« Reply #4 on: July 08, 2013, 05:52:46 PM »
Are you actually taking the piss?

Are you listening to what people are saying? I am actually gobsmacked that people like Hill3 ( who I respect greatly) are wasting their time  addressing your  work, when their time could better be served addressing others who actually respond to constructive feedback.

Bobby

Offline Svader

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Re: Chapter 1 Untitled part 2
« Reply #5 on: August 04, 2013, 04:22:39 AM »
I was wondering if this was the same post that I had responded earlier to but...nope.  I'm glad I didn't waste my time doing a long critique on the last one and won't even begin on this one.

Did you even read what you wrote before posting or are you waiting for everyone else to fix every mistake?

 That's my advice. Read what you wrote first.  Then join in on the forums. Then re-read what you wrote before posting it.

EDIT:  I've been looking through the review my work threads to see what I could critique and came across two other posts where people fixed your writing.  One there wasn't a single thank you to anyone and the other just "Thanks for your input."  I honestly feel bad for the people who took time on your work. 

Now I'm off again to try to contribute to the forum....hint hint
« Last Edit: August 04, 2013, 04:46:11 AM by Svader »
My blog. http://stefanivader.WordPress.com

WIP:  Mafia Mayhem 17,000/22,000

Offline Oceaxe

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Re: Chapter 1 Untitled part 2
« Reply #6 on: August 04, 2013, 04:44:40 AM »
I don't understand why anyone would post a piece of prose that's this short. Somewhere else LDSuda talked about not writing by committee - is that what this is, an invitation to some cooperative writing project?

Sorry, write more and I'll be glad to comment.
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

W.B. Yeats (1865–1939)

hillwalker3000

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Re: Chapter 1 Untitled part 2
« Reply #7 on: August 04, 2013, 05:27:52 AM »
I don't understand why anyone would post a piece of prose that's this short.

It's what trolls do - they clutter up the web with pointless material, simply because they have nothing better to do.

H3k