Author Topic: At the End of the Day  (Read 6754 times)

Offline 510bhan

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Re: At the End of the Day
« Reply #45 on: July 15, 2013, 07:24:09 PM »
No. :(

You try a piece in iambic pentameter! :o ;D ;D ;D





Offline bri h

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Re: At the End of the Day
« Reply #46 on: July 15, 2013, 07:40:40 PM »
Can't. Not good enough, and I'm tee-total. No inspiration. heh heh. Gnight. xbx
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline Mark H

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Re: At the End of the Day
« Reply #47 on: July 16, 2013, 03:02:47 AM »
Marshmallowy soft, lilac combs across
high summer clouds in gauzy wide-stretched strands.


I'd change across to criss-cross so that the combs are doing something. But even without that, this seems fine to me.

Taking the revision as a whole, what is troubling you?

Mark
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Offline 510bhan

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Re: At the End of the Day
« Reply #48 on: July 16, 2013, 06:14:28 AM »
Hi Mark -- the line is meant to be read as 'combs' being a verb, not sure if the punctuation needs a tweak to make that clearer. :-[ Of course it could always change to 'creeps' but I liked the idea of the wispy clouds being teased out.

Marshmallowy soft,[pause] lilac combs across
high summer clouds in gauzy wide-stretched strands


Offline Mark H

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Re: At the End of the Day
« Reply #49 on: July 16, 2013, 07:35:02 AM »
Yes, I understood that it could be read like that. The slight prob with that is combs can be a noun and it is preceded by what looks like 3 modifiers. Ignore the IP for a sec and let's just look at how the words can be interpreted by the reader in an unambiguous way (you want the reader to stop and consider your premise or imagery NOT stop and try and figure out your meaning).

Marshmallowy, soft, lilac light, combs across

Marshmallowy, soft lilac, travels across

The above are not suggestions, just attempts to show what the action is and what is being acted upon in a non ambiguous way.

Having said all that, just changing the commas, might be enough to do the trick. Your grammar is better than mine, but if soft is the second (and final) modifier of the colour lilac then it should not be followed by a comma. Correct? and perhaps adding one after helps show that lilac is not modifying combs.

Marshmallowy, soft lilac, combs across

Mark
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Offline 510bhan

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Re: At the End of the Day
« Reply #50 on: July 16, 2013, 07:40:08 AM »
Thanks, Mark -- rather than an abundance of commas I think I'll have lilac creeps [and hope folk don't interpret 'creeps' as a noun ;D] You've helped me see where reader misinterpretation/dissatisfaction could come in. ;)

Marshmallowy soft, lilac creeps across
high summer clouds in gauzy wide-stretched strands.