Author Topic: New to this Sreenwriting (Warning, explicit content)  (Read 4467 times)

Offline actpoet1

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New to this Sreenwriting (Warning, explicit content)
« on: September 18, 2006, 06:19:14 PM »
Hey: I've posted many things on the poetry section of this site, but nothing here yet. I'm thinking of taking a screenwriting class to expand my skill set. Please be honest and tell me what you think!

FADE IN:

INT. STONE RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM - MORNING

Thereís money here. Leather couches, marble floors, paintings that should be in museums. Bedrooms are more like playgrounds lush with antiques.
KERSEY STONE, 24, plops down on a couch, sporting a weeks growth. Everything about him, from his eyes to his BLOOD-SOAKED clothes says his doesn't give a damn anymore. He slips his GUN back into his coat, then stretches out to sleep.

EXT. STONE RESIDENCE - DRIVE WAY - MORNING

TIFFANY STONE, 50, with the body and face of a 30 year old whips into the drive way. Her BMW screeches to a halt.

TIFFANY
(looking at her engagement ring and sings)
Itís my anniversary today, itís my anniversary today, if he doesnít get me that 8-carat stone, Iíll soon be on my way.
(grabs and lifts her breast)
Oh, these boys did it thirty years ago and theyíll do it again today.

Tiffany turns, gathers five Bloomingdals bags from the back seat, and slips out of the car with the gracefulness of a figure skater.
She strides to the front door like a runway model.

INT. STONE RESIDENCE - KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER

Tiffany drops her bags on the gold-leafed table. She frowns as she thumbs through a pile of mail clumped on the table.

TIFFANY
Uh, if I break a nail again doing this, heís coming good on the new SUV promise.

Crack. There goes one. Tiffany slams down the pile, JARRING the keys in her purse. The CAR ALARM BLARES from outside, PIERCING her eardrums.
Tiffany GROPES around in her purse. Finds her keys. Jams her finger on a button.

Kersey SNAPS the slience as he mumbles something from the living room. Tiffany rolls her eyes.

TIFFANY (CONTíD)
(under her breath)
I hope one of these times he does it right and doesnít come back. 

She grabs her purse, goes into the...

INT. STONE RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

The sllow CLICK-CLACK-CLICK-CLACK of her heels speeds up as she sees Kersey outstretched on the couch with BLOOD STAINS.

TIFFANY
(smacking Kersey with her purse)
Oh, this is just great, Kersey, thatís five grand down the drain. And we have company here in three hours. I donít have time for this.

Kersey LEAPS up.

KERSEY
You never had time for anything. Not me, not Heather, thatís why weíre so --.

TIFFANY
Stop blaming me for your poor life, for Heatherís. There's nothing I did that made her put a gun to her head -- 

Kersey lunges, GRIPS her by the waist, then SLAMS her on the floor.

KERSEY
(leaning over her)
Oh it was you alright, you filthy cunt. But it was something you didnít do: protect us. Iíve been trying to rip this...this stain from my soul. A stain that put there.
(rapid fire)
Youíre a fuckiní mother. You suppose to protect your kids, right?! GO ahead, lie and tell me you didnít know. Fuckiní tell me!

Tiffany whips her head away from Kersey. Kersey GRABS her by the hair. RIPS her up into the sitting position. TREMBLING violently, Tiffany shakes her head ďNo.Ē

KERSEY (CONTíD)
I knew youíd say that, so I got rid of the stain myself.

His words SMACK Tiffany back into the moment and she LEAPS UP. RUSHES down the hallway and sees...

INT. STONE RESIDENCE - MASTER BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

JAMES STONE, 55, fat and lumpy, spread eagle on the bed. She races to him. A BLOOD-CURDLING WAIL ROARS at the sight of TWO BULLET holes in Jamesís head. They SPEW tiny rivers of blood. Tiffany falls back. Looks up. MOLESTER written in blood. Tiffany scoots to the PHONE. Lifts it up. Itís dead.
Kersey shuffles into the room, NAKED, holding her cell phone and his GUN. Tiffany takes a deep breath and gathers herself as best as she can.

KERSEY
(softly)
All wanted was one look that said ďIím going to stop it. I have to, your my son.Ē

TIFFANY
(clenching her teeth)
You deserved it.

BLAM! A BULLET RIPS through Kerseyís HEART. He collapses. Tiffany walks over, grabs the gun, then KNEELS beside him.
RUNS her fingers threw his HAIR.

FADE to BLACK

BLAM!

FADE OUT.
« Last Edit: September 18, 2006, 07:16:12 PM by actpoet1 »
Write on,

actpoet1

If you want, click on the link below and walk into my mind. My name is in the middle on the right.

http://users.skynet.be/spier/argoboatbruce.htm

Offline Angeleyes

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Re: New to this Sreenwriting (Warning, explicit content)
« Reply #1 on: September 24, 2006, 05:03:22 AM »
I got a real feel for the characters with your descriptions of them.

Only one slight thing that threw me.

Quote
The sllow CLICK-CLACK-CLICK-CLACK of her heels speeds up as she sees Kersey outstretched on the couch with BLOOD STAINS.

TIFFANY
(smacking Kersey with her purse)
Oh, this is just great, Kersey, thatís five grand down the drain. And we have company here in three hours. I donít have time for this.

Kersey LEAPS up.

Tiffany doesn't react to seeing all the blood. I thought she might at least ask where it had come from.
Other than that,it's really good. Well, I'm new to all this too, so good luck and keep posting.
May all your dreams come true.

Whether you think you can, or think you can't....you're right!
-Henry Ford.

Offline actpoet1

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Re: New to this Sreenwriting (Warning, explicit content)
« Reply #2 on: September 24, 2006, 02:42:16 PM »
I got a real feel for the characters with your descriptions of them.

Only one slight thing that threw me.

Tiffany doesn't react to seeing all the blood. I thought she might at least ask where it had come from.
Other than that,it's really good. Well, I'm new to all this too, so good luck and keep posting.

Angel:

I tried to show her reaction when she sprints to him and slams her purse. But I guess I should do something else. Thanks for your comments.
Write on,

actpoet1

If you want, click on the link below and walk into my mind. My name is in the middle on the right.

http://users.skynet.be/spier/argoboatbruce.htm

Offline ChipTee

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Re: New to this Sreenwriting (Warning, explicit content)
« Reply #3 on: September 24, 2006, 04:16:57 PM »
Actpoet - a very visual piece and strong, almost too strong characters (meaning both at the extreme of their type). Am I right in seeing it as a complete piece - and with the final 'BLAM' they are all dead?
I think you will get a lot out of going on a screenwriting course(s).
Chip

Offline actpoet1

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Re: New to this Sreenwriting (Warning, explicit content)
« Reply #4 on: September 24, 2006, 08:03:36 PM »
Chiptee:

Well, with the "Blam" I leave it up to the audience. I let them decide. By the way, do you suggest any screenwriting classes, see that you said I "will get a lout out of going on a screenwriting course"?

Write on,

actpoet1

If you want, click on the link below and walk into my mind. My name is in the middle on the right.

http://users.skynet.be/spier/argoboatbruce.htm

Offline ChipTee

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Re: New to this Sreenwriting (Warning, explicit content)
« Reply #5 on: September 25, 2006, 03:41:46 AM »
Actpoet - I just love typos - 'I will get a LOUT out of...' I am sure you will be behaving perfectly.

Being 'of a certain age' I don't know how to reference other posts. I gave Angeleyes some websites of organisations I have used for one day and two day courses, usually in London, but also in Bristol and Exeter which is nearer for me.

If you can spare two days (and £75+VAT in 2005) PICTURE THE SCENE from Script Factory  www.scriptfactory.co.uk   is instructive and good value - even when blizzards prevented me from getting to day two.

Chip

Offline ChipTee

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Re: New to this Sreenwriting (Warning, explicit content)
« Reply #6 on: September 25, 2006, 05:17:29 AM »
Actpoet - following my previous post I see the next 'Picture the Scene' course is being run by the Script Factory on 19/20 October in London, but in town as opposed to the provinces at a £150 +Vat. I still think it good value.
Chip

Offline actpoet1

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Re: New to this Sreenwriting (Warning, explicit content)
« Reply #7 on: September 25, 2006, 03:17:47 PM »
Actpoet - following my previous post I see the next 'Picture the Scene' course is being run by the Script Factory on 19/20 October in London, but in town as opposed to the provinces at a £150 +Vat. I still think it good value.
Chip

Chiptee:

Thank you.
Write on,

actpoet1

If you want, click on the link below and walk into my mind. My name is in the middle on the right.

http://users.skynet.be/spier/argoboatbruce.htm