Author Topic: …And me  (Read 1592 times)

Offline Harlequin

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 14
…And me
« on: September 18, 2006, 04:33:01 PM »
To the misinterpreted, hung up poet of clay
do you find your words mistaken, in the light of day?
Are your rhymes forgotten, in a morning new
and are they left scattered, within the dew?

Looking for peace in a troubled time
searching for reasons in a line to rhyme
seeing politicians clawing at a dying dream
finding good men dead within their scheme…
…and me, well I’m only thinking.

I hear so many words tonight, echoing in the wind
distant cries of the distant dead, I’ll use my pen
some words are left to whisper, only of the past
brave men being remembered, is all they ask.

Looking for war in a peaceful time
searching for reasons and words to rhyme
politicians clawing at a fading dream
not seeing the dead within their schemes…
…and me, well I’m only crying.


Offline Alice, a Country Gal

  • http://www.writestreet.com/writestree
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 31219
  • Hello from Texas
    • Alice's Hide Away
Re: …And me
« Reply #1 on: September 18, 2006, 07:46:34 PM »
To the misinterpreted, hung up poet of clay
do you find your words mistaken, in the light of day?
Are your rhymes forgotten, in a morning new
and are they left scattered, within the dew?

Looking for peace in a troubled time
searching for reasons in a line to rhyme
seeing politicians clawing at a dying dream
finding good men dead within their scheme…
…and me, well I’m only thinking.

I hear so many words tonight, echoing in the wind
distant cries of the distant dead, I’ll use my pen
some words are left to whisper, only of the past
brave men being remembered, is all they ask.

Looking for war in a peaceful time
searching for reasons and words to rhyme
politicians clawing at a fading dream
not seeing the dead within their schemes…
…and me, well I’m only crying.



Harlequin, on the whole, I liked your poetry. 
But I can't help wondering if it would read better, thoughts hang together easier, with a few changes in punctuation.

Example:

To the misinterpreted, hung up poet of clay
do you find your words mistaken, in the light of day?
Are your rhymes forgotten, in a morning new
and are they left scattered, within the dew?

Try instead:
To the misinterpreted, hung up poet of clay (I don't really understand this line manly due to "poet of clay" so not sure about how to place commas or periods.)
Do you find your words mistaken in the light of day?
Are your rhymes forgotten in a morning new,
and are they left scattered within the dew?

May I suggest you read the whole thing aloud and 'see' if you really need all the commas.

Just my thoughts, if useful - great.  If not - file them in the round file.  :)


MWC Charity Publications.
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight>
The universe is made of stories, not of atoms. -Muriel Rukeyser, poet and activist (15 Dec 1913-1980)

R. L. Copple's: http://www.rlcopple.com/

I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.
-Mohandas K. Gandhi

Offline Big T

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5356
  • Cheers, enjoy your day!
Re: …And me
« Reply #2 on: September 19, 2006, 04:01:41 AM »
Harlequin!
More please.
Thanks

T
Big T  :o

Offline oliver

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1017
  • Abandoned children often live with their parents
Re: …And me
« Reply #3 on: September 20, 2006, 04:07:22 AM »
Hi Harlequin, I throughly enjoyed the work but agree with Country4Gal that it needs to flow a little easier. I found myself in stop-start mode when reading it. However it did not detract from the soul of the poem. Well done. Oliver
Where there is kindness to animals, everything else may be taken for granted.
Judge a person's character by how they treat animals and how that person will treat those who can do nothing for them.

bleek

  • Guest
Re: …And me
« Reply #4 on: September 22, 2006, 10:00:57 AM »
It was real
And it was very good
Sharon