Author Topic: Bob. For those who missed him (or who are missing him)  (Read 8150 times)

Offline Mark H

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 19724
  • Middleclass Machismo now available.
Bob. For those who missed him (or who are missing him)
« on: May 26, 2013, 08:35:13 AM »
My friend Bob

the alien
is staying with me this week.

We sat in the kitchen,
watching breakfast TV news.

Bob waved a tentacle at the screen
and asked: "Stoning to death?"

I turned down the volume.

"The woman will be put in a hole
and covered in soil up to her chest.

Then they will pelt her with stones
until they kill her. The stones

are carefully selected:
they should not be large enough
to kill her immediately. She must

suffer."

Bob grinned and nodded.
"Is she a banker?"

"No.
Just a woman who had sex
(I mean might have had sex)
with a man other than her husband.

She was given fifty lashes,
imprisoned for five years;
now they want to stone her to death."

Bob waved all six tentacles around his head
then leapt to his foot.
"Shit!
I've got to get out of here man.
You humans are nuts!"

I used a paper towel to wipe a puddle
of green slime from Bob's side of the table.

"You can go if you want to, Bob
but the Cartoons will be on in a minute

and I was just going to put on some coffee
and make some toast and jam."

Bob flopped down into his chair.
"What flavour jam?"



Bob the alien had more annoying questions

"How come you Brits
never self-immolate in protest? Bankers' bonuses
surely warrant a few flaming vicars.

And, why does your wife
spend all that money on meal worms
to entice sparrows into the garden,
just so the cat can kill them
and leave a bloody mess on the mat,
which she then grumbles about cleaning up?"

I slapped the table.
"Enough. Stop asking stupid questions."

His proboscis shrivelled and his antennae
quivered like poppies in the breeze.
"I'm just interested, that's all."

"Well I don't know, Okay.
Why do you expect me
to have all the answers?
I'm not God am I?"

Bob stayed silent for a moment;
air bellowed rhythmically in and out of his blow hole.
Then his proboscis came back to life
and wriggled about like one of Medusa's
hairy snakes. He blinked his giant eye
and confessed.

"There is no god."



Faux Pas

I arrived home from the office to find Alien Bob's flying saucer parked on my garage roof.
Martian icicles, like diamond stalactites, hung from the saucer's rim, while a blinking pink
strobe warned potential spaceship-jackers that the anti-tamper-death-ray was engaged.

My neighbour shouted over from his drive: "What's that on your roof, Mark?"

I ignored him and went inside. That damn alien! I'd told him to be discrete.

I found Bob in the lounge, slumped in my chair, drinking my Montepulciano. His ingestion-proboscis
drooped down, the tip submerged in the red liquid. He snorted the wine like a minor celebrity
tooting coke with the big boys.

I stared in disbelief. "What in God's name?"

Bob looked back. "I disgust you don't I?" His flaccid eyelid descended like a roman blind,
then flipped open in a monocular blink. "Is it coz I's green?"

I harrumphed at both the idea, and Bob's crap Ali G impression.
"Actually, Bob, I think lime-green is very attractive."

"Then what? I've slimed all over your Parker Knoll Norton recliner; is that the problem?"

I shook my head. "Nope. That's nothing a man-sized tissue couldn't fix. Anyway,
I'm used to your slime."

Bob's proboscis shrivelled back into his face, like a telescopic bull's pizzle. He hung
his head. "I'm sorry. Whatever I've done I'm truly truly sorry. Please, just tell me."

"I'm sorry too, Bob. I didn't mean to upset you. It's just that I was shocked,
and I admit disappointed,

after all I've taught you,

to find you drinking red wine Ö

from a Whisky tumbler."
« Last Edit: May 26, 2013, 09:34:43 AM by Mark. »
Buy Bristle Side Down, The Man Who Wore Brown Shoes and Middleclass Machismo here:
http://www.lulu.com/shop/search.ep?contributorId=570142

If poetry is not your thing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PueM04F0Qz8 or: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x0Zm8cj9MGg

Offline 2par

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4756
Re: Bob. For those who missed him (or who are missing him)
« Reply #1 on: May 26, 2013, 08:53:21 AM »
I have no idea what this is but I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. Do you have further adventures of Bob and his/it's pal?

Offline indar

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3744
Re: Bob. For those who missed him (or who are missing him)
« Reply #2 on: May 26, 2013, 09:22:20 AM »
Bob is back by popular request from those who, while we don't find him entirely loveable, appreciate his candor and find his remarks worthy of some self-reflection.

Thanks Mark.

Offline bri h

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 18558
Re: Bob. For those who missed him (or who are missing him)
« Reply #3 on: May 26, 2013, 09:57:00 AM »
Ah. now I see. I too love bob. Everyone should have a "bob" in their lives. I loved the, "Is it cos I is green" quote. Reminds me of a racist jibe given to me at the pit. "Brian, there should be no black or whites. Just everyone be green. Only some would be "dark green!" heh heh. I look forward to seeing more of Bob. I wonder if Mark is inviting us to contribute?
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline Mark H

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 19724
  • Middleclass Machismo now available.
Re: Bob. For those who missed him (or who are missing him)
« Reply #4 on: May 26, 2013, 11:03:37 AM »
2par, There is just one other story, which is about keeping pets and is not yet finished.

indar, Thanks for the prompt.  :)

bri, Feel free to introduce Bob to Yorkshire. He likes to get out and about so make sure he uses his burka.
Buy Bristle Side Down, The Man Who Wore Brown Shoes and Middleclass Machismo here:
http://www.lulu.com/shop/search.ep?contributorId=570142

If poetry is not your thing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PueM04F0Qz8 or: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x0Zm8cj9MGg

Offline bri h

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 18558
Re: Bob. For those who missed him (or who are missing him)
« Reply #5 on: May 26, 2013, 11:16:02 AM »
Am intrigued by bob. Is he just 'bob?' or like ALF(Alien Life Form) is he a b-o-b?
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline Mark H

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 19724
  • Middleclass Machismo now available.
Re: Bob. For those who missed him (or who are missing him)
« Reply #6 on: May 26, 2013, 11:24:37 AM »
Hi picked the name Bob himself because he's fascinated by palindromes. On his planet they don't use names: they recognise each other from the colourful and aromatic miasma emanating from their blow-holes.
Buy Bristle Side Down, The Man Who Wore Brown Shoes and Middleclass Machismo here:
http://www.lulu.com/shop/search.ep?contributorId=570142

If poetry is not your thing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PueM04F0Qz8 or: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x0Zm8cj9MGg

Offline Oceaxe

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 525
Re: Bob. For those who missed him (or who are missing him)
« Reply #7 on: May 27, 2013, 06:54:52 AM »
Great fun. When is the novel coming?
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

W.B. Yeats (1865Ė1939)

Offline Mark H

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 19724
  • Middleclass Machismo now available.
Re: Bob. For those who missed him (or who are missing him)
« Reply #8 on: May 27, 2013, 06:58:42 AM »
Hi Oceaxe

Thanks for reading.

Unfortunately I'm far too idle to write a novel.  :)

Mark
Buy Bristle Side Down, The Man Who Wore Brown Shoes and Middleclass Machismo here:
http://www.lulu.com/shop/search.ep?contributorId=570142

If poetry is not your thing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PueM04F0Qz8 or: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x0Zm8cj9MGg

Offline bri h

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 18558
Re: Bob. For those who missed him (or who are missing him)
« Reply #9 on: May 27, 2013, 07:01:33 AM »
Great fun. When is the novel coming?

Wow! Bob's a writer like us? Brilliant.  ;D
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline Mark H

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 19724
  • Middleclass Machismo now available.
Re: Bob. For those who missed him (or who are missing him)
« Reply #10 on: May 27, 2013, 07:10:44 AM »
The following has been work in progress for god knows how long - over a year at least. Anyway I bolted a ending on, so here it is ...

Pets

Bob said:
"I think you should kill your dog
and eat him.
Save money,
get a delicious, nutritious meal;
Ö skin two berks with one stone."

This was a strange turn of events. Bob
seemed to love my mutt
and often donned his burka
and took Woof for a walk in the park.

"The saying is: KILL two BIRDS
with one stone," I said.

Bob blinked (predictably).
"That sounds difficult.
How big is the stone?
And why would you kill birds?
You like birds. You trained that duck
to eat bread out of your hand.  
Berks though, you hate berks. That bloke
with the hairy lip that talks about football all the time;
you said he was a berk. You could skin him
with a stone; a sharp stone, like a flint."

I needed to get the discussion back on track
before we went further down the rabbit hole.
"Pets.
Humans donít eat their pets.
Donít you have pets on your planet?"

Bob nodded.
"Yep, Humans.
After the cull of 69 Ö"

"Wo, wo, wo!"
I held up a hand.
"Humans? Cull?"

"Yep humans. Only short ones obviously.
A breeding pair escaped into the wild
(randy little buggers they are you know).
After the cull the council tried to regulate human fancying,
but my parent acquired," (he winked) "a pair.
Gerald and Floppsie.

I adored those cheeky little humans.
So much so that when Gerald died
I kept his tiny pink foot as a lucky key-ring.
Do you want to see it?"

And of course that was the day I discovered
Bob had developed a sense of humour.

The green bastard!
« Last Edit: May 29, 2013, 03:06:04 PM by Mark. »
Buy Bristle Side Down, The Man Who Wore Brown Shoes and Middleclass Machismo here:
http://www.lulu.com/shop/search.ep?contributorId=570142

If poetry is not your thing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PueM04F0Qz8 or: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x0Zm8cj9MGg

Offline bri h

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 18558
Re: Bob. For those who missed him (or who are missing him)
« Reply #11 on: May 27, 2013, 07:13:39 AM »
heh heh. Bob is growing on me even more. Do you plan on having a
"Bob for PM" logo party? B
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline Amie

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8461
    • threegeese
Re: Bob. For those who missed him (or who are missing him)
« Reply #12 on: May 27, 2013, 12:52:43 PM »
Like the latest in the Bob series :)

Isn't it spelled "berk" though?
"You do not need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait, be quiet still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet." - Kafka

Offline 2par

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4756
Re: Bob. For those who missed him (or who are missing him)
« Reply #13 on: May 27, 2013, 01:26:04 PM »
what's a berk?
Sounds like the Flying Circus

Offline Mark H

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 19724
  • Middleclass Machismo now available.
Re: Bob. For those who missed him (or who are missing him)
« Reply #14 on: May 27, 2013, 01:31:39 PM »
I'm not sure about the spelling. Google has both, though Berkshire Hunt as rhyming slang does seem credible.

M
Buy Bristle Side Down, The Man Who Wore Brown Shoes and Middleclass Machismo here:
http://www.lulu.com/shop/search.ep?contributorId=570142

If poetry is not your thing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PueM04F0Qz8 or: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x0Zm8cj9MGg