Author Topic: "The streets of Plenty. Violence and adult language.{tried some editing}  (Read 2382 times)

Offline bowmore bill

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1040
The condemned tenement had stood on the same spot for almost a hundred fifty years and was due for demolition sometime in the New Year. Although deemed a hazard by the authorities; for those who were homeless it was a haven, providing them with shelter from the worst of the elements. A place to bed down out of the inclement winter weather.
In order to make things as comfortable as possible for themselves, they scavenged bits of old furniture waiting to be uplifting by the cleansing department. Bits of carpet and discarded mattresses no matter what state they were in were classed as a luxury, and much sought after.

In the main living area was a cast iron fireplace that burnt almost anything, arranged around it, a couple of canvas backed chairs that had probably graced someone’s garden.Two double mattresses lay side by side on the floor close to it, makig the most of the heat from the fire.

From time to time drugs found their way into the squat, he avoided getting mixed up in that scene and always declined the the offers to use of them. Life was hard enough having to beg for a pitiful few coins; without having to find extra money to buy drugs. Whenever they were introduced trouble invariable followed, between drugs and alcohol, life in a squat could get a bit hairy at times.
As well as bringing out the worst in certain individuals, they also lowered what was left of people’s morals and inhibitions.

In this particular squat were two young females no older than seventeen or eighteen who had paired off with two of the older men, supposedly for protection. The fact that sex was expected in return, was no big deal to them. During drinking sessions they would openly have sex on the mattresses in front of everyone, which of course did nothing for the repressed sexual urges of the other males.
At times like these he would take himself off to another room or go for a walk ,additional frustrations he did not need or want.

Ian Balfour at sixteen he was the youngest of the group, and was as yet inexperienced when it came to having sex. He would find a dark corner and watch the couples while masturbating.
Dring one such night when fuelled with cheap wine one of the couples were openly having sex, the girl was giving her partner a hard time of it for being too drunk as she put it, to get it up.
They had been engaged in some pretty heavy petting before hand,and she was more than ready.

“Come on she yelled, frustrated at his efforts to penetrate her. If you can’t get it up I’ll find someone who can”.

“Oh yeah, well fuck you". And slapped her hard across the mouth.

“That’s the problem she yelled you can’t, you useless piece of shit”.

“You need to be taught a right good lesson he said,”and made to slap her again.

As he drew his arm back she lunged at him raking his face with her nails and drawing blood. Out of the corner of his eye caught sight of Ian Balfour who had been watching them from across the room.

“Hey you; he yelled at the boy, get you’re arse over here”. As he spoke, saliva dribbled from one corner of his mouth.  “You like watching don’t you”? Well how do you fancy the real thing with that cow on the mattress”?

The panic stricken youngster was fumbling with the Zip on his trousers, while rying to make a run for it.
Before he could get out of the room however the man caught hold of him and dragged him back.
Holding the boy by the scruff of the neck he leered at him, “instead of playing with yourself in the dark, he said, how do you fancy the real thing”? He then sent the boy sprawling alongside the girl."Let’s see you satisfy the bitch”.

Ignoreing him the girl scrambled to her feet, “leave the boy alone you fucking pervert she yelled, I’m not performing for you or anyone else”. Then without warning launched herself at him a second time.
This time her nails caused him real damage; not only did she rake his face she almost removed one of his eyes.
“You mad bastard” he yelled and blindly threw a punch which caught her square on the mouth, sending her crashing back to the mattress. As she tried desperately to get to her feet he followed up with a savage kick to her belly.
Screaming in agony she curled up in a ball, trying to make herself as small a target as possible.
 
“How do you like that; you pox ridden whore”? He snarled.

Ian Balfour now more composed at last found the balls to do something, barging into his back he sent him speawling. As he landed next to her she reached out and grabbed two handfuls of hair, forcing his head down to the mattress.
Seeing his chance for revenge the boy took aim, and swinging his right foot caught him square between the legs. He screamed in agony and grabbed at his testicles. As he rolled around in agony the girl now on her feet, was stuffing her few belongings into a canvas holdall.

“If you don’t want your head kicked in by that bastard, you had better get out of here right now.”

”Don’t worry he replied; I’m right behind you.”

Rab had been in the next room when the trouble started, he'd been reading through some old newspapers with the help of a stub of candle. He had heard the commotion made a conscious decision not to get involved. Situations like those had a habit of resolving themselves the following day after the drink or drugs had worn off. Enemies had a habit ending up friends
« Last Edit: May 07, 2013, 07:00:56 PM by bowmore bill »

Offline 2par

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4740
Re: part of "The streets of Plenty. Some violence and adult language.
« Reply #1 on: May 07, 2013, 12:48:55 AM »
Oh dear...lots of problems.  Punctuation is one of them.  Commas are missing in some places and there where they shouldn't be.  Grammar is haphazard:  The couple "was", not "were.", for one.
"right panic"?  I would think "panic" is enough.
The second, third and fourth paragraphs are info dumping.  You could lose those.  Get right to the action.   (The sex scene. is really not my cup of coffee, but it's your choice.)

Others will come in and give you more complete critiques, but this is a taste of what is to come.

I do have to say, though, that this is an interesting concept:  the life on the streets.  I'd like to see it cleaned up and more of the story as it evolves.

Offline bri h

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 18523
Re: part of "The streets of Plenty. Some violence and adult language.
« Reply #2 on: May 07, 2013, 07:20:32 AM »
Hey Bill. Interesting story, but like toop said, others will come in and give in-depth crits. One thing I caught straight away and amused me, cos I don't know why you did it was? You use a lot of swearing in this, yet you blanked out the word Arse. Any particular reason? Bri.
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline bowmore bill

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1040
Re: part of "The streets of Plenty. Some violence and adult language.
« Reply #3 on: May 07, 2013, 07:04:23 PM »
Oh dear...lots of problems.  Punctuation is one of them.  Commas are missing in some places and there where they shouldn't be.  Grammar is haphazard:  The couple "was", not "were.", for one.
"right panic"?  I would think "panic" is enough.
The second, third and fourth paragraphs are info dumping.  You could lose those.  Get right to the action.   (The sex scene. is really not my cup of coffee, but it's your choice.)

Others will come in and give you more complete critiques, but this is a taste of what is to come.

I do have to say, though, that this is an interesting concept:  the life on the streets.  I'd like to see it cleaned up and more of the story as it evolves.
  Thank you for reading and giving an honest critque. This was only a small section of a novel.
Punctuation as you observed is my biggest problem, those of you who know me know that it is ever so.

Offline bri h

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 18523
Don't worry bout it Bill!!!! This! Is the way I used to write when I first came here!! I thought, it made the words more important!! and, meaningful by putting exclams, on here, like that!! ha ha. I used to use a lot of commas as well. I soon, learned how unnecessary, they were, and so pesky and infuriating to the, other posters. That's when I started to learn properly, they showed me.

 So chin up mate, and box on, as we used to say "doon the Pit." Look, you're getting people responding, that's the answer. When people ignore you, then you know, you're doing something wrong, or bad.
Bill? Bill?
Are you there Bill?
BILL! heh heh.
Hope this helps you mate. Resp, Bri.
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline 2par

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4740
Bill, so this isn't the beginning of the novel?  If it isn't, then perhaps I was too quick to not like the vulgar scene.  If that type of scene is in the beginning of a book, I simply will not go on reading, expecting the author to titillate me much too much.

Offline Chizzy

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 934
Quote
Although deemed a hazard by the authorities; for those who were homeless it was a haven, providing them with shelter from the worst of the elements.

Comma instead of a semi colon.

Quote
Bits of carpet and discarded mattresses no matter what state they were in were classed as a luxury, and much sought after.

Bits of carpet and discarded mattresses, no matter what state they were in, were classed as a luxury and much sought after.

Quote
In the main living area was a cast iron fireplace that burnt almost anything, arranged around it, a couple of canvas backed chairs that had probably graced someone’s garden.Two double mattresses lay side by side on the floor close to it, makig the most of the heat from the fire.

In the main living area was a cast iron fireplace that burnt almost anything. Arranged around it, a couple of canvas-backed chairs that had probably graced someone’s garden. Two double mattresses lay side by side on the floor close to it, maknig the most of the heat from the fire.

Quote
From time to time drugs found their way into the squat, he avoided getting mixed up in that scene and always declined the the offers to use of them. Life was hard enough having to beg for a pitiful few coins; without having to find extra money to buy drugs. Whenever they were introduced trouble invariable followed, between drugs and alcohol, life in a squat could get a bit hairy at times.

From time to time, drugs found their way into the squat. He avoided getting mixed up in that scene and always declined the offers to use them. Life was hard enough having to beg for a pitiful few coins, without having to find extra money to buy drugs. Whenever they were introduced trouble invariable followed. Between drugs and alcohol, life in a squat could get a bit hairy at times.

Quote
The fact that sex was expected in return, was no big deal to them.

The fact that sex was expected in return was no big deal to them.

Quote
At times like these he would take himself off to another room or go for a walk ,additional frustrations he did not need or want.

At times like these he would take himself off to another room or go for a walk. He did not need or want additional frustrations.

Quote
Ian Balfour at sixteen he was the youngest of the group, and was as yet inexperienced when it came to having sex.

At sixteen, Ian Balfour was the youngest of the group and was as yet inexperienced when it came to having sex.

Quote
Dring one such night when fuelled with cheap wine one of the couples were openly having sex, the girl was giving her partner a hard time of it for being too drunk as she put it, to get it up.

During one such night when fuelled with cheap wine, one of the couples were openly having sex. The girl was giving her partner a hard time of it for being too drunk, as she put it, to get it up.

Although if he couldn't get it up, they weren't really openly having sex.

Quote
“Come on she yelled, frustrated at his efforts to penetrate her. If you can’t get it up I’ll find someone who can”.

“Come on," she yelled, frustrated at his efforts to penetrate her. "If you can’t get it up I’ll find someone who can.”

Quote
“Oh yeah, well fuck you". And slapped her hard across the mouth.

“Oh yeah? Well, fuck you." He slapped her hard across the mouth.

Quote
“That’s the problem she yelled you can’t, you useless piece of shit”.

“That’s the problem," she yelled. "You can’t, you useless piece of shit.”

Quote
“You need to be taught a right good lesson he said,”and made to slap her again.

“You need to be taught a right good lesson," he said,and made to slap her again.

This dialog is quite stale.

Quote
As he drew his arm back she lunged at him raking his face with her nails and drawing blood. Out of the corner of his eye caught sight of Ian Balfour who had been watching them from across the room.

As he drew his arm back she lunged at him, raking his face with her nails and drawing blood. Out of the corner of his eye, he caught sight of Ian Balfour who had been watching them from across the room.

Quote
“Hey you; he yelled at the boy, get you’re arse over here”. As he spoke, saliva dribbled from one corner of his mouth.  “You like watching don’t you”? Well how do you fancy the real thing with that cow on the mattress”?

“Hey you," he yelled at the boy, "get your arse over here.” As he spoke, saliva dribbled from one corner of his mouth.  “You like watching don’t you? Well how do you fancy the real thing with that cow on the mattress?"

Quote
The panic stricken youngster was fumbling with the Zip on his trousers, while rying to make a run for it.

The panic-stricken youngster was fumbling with the zip on his trousers, while trying to make a run for it.

Quote
Holding the boy by the scruff of the neck he leered at him, “instead of playing with yourself in the dark, he said, how do you fancy the real thing”? He then sent the boy sprawling alongside the girl."Let’s see you satisfy the bitch”.

Holding the boy by the scruff of the neck he leered at him. “Instead of playing with yourself in the dark," he said, "how do you fancy the real thing?” He then sent the boy sprawling alongside the girl. "Let’s see you satisfy the bitch.”

Quote
Ignoreing him the girl scrambled to her feet, “leave the boy alone you fucking pervert she yelled, I’m not performing for you or anyone else”. Then without warning launched herself at him a second time. This time her nails caused him real damage; not only did she rake his face she almost removed one of his eyes.

Ignoring him, the girl scrambled to her feet. “Leave the boy alone you fucking pervert," she yelled. "I’m not performing for you or anyone else.” Then without warning, she launched herself at him a second time. This time her nails caused him real damage. Not only did she rake his face, she almost removed one of his eyes.

Quote
“You mad bastard” he yelled and blindly threw a punch which caught her square on the mouth, sending her crashing back to the mattress. As she tried desperately to get to her feet he followed up with a savage kick to her belly.

“You mad bastard,” he yelled and blindly threw a punch which caught her square on the mouth, sending her crashing back to the mattress. As she tried desperately to get to her feet, he followed up with a savage kick to her belly.

yelled seems to be your go-to speech tag.
 
Quote
“How do you like that; you pox ridden whore”? He snarled.

“How do you like that, you pox ridden whore?” he snarled.

Quote
Ian Balfour now more composed at last found the balls to do something, barging into his back he sent him speawling. As he landed next to her she reached out and grabbed two handfuls of hair, forcing his head down to the mattress.
Seeing his chance for revenge the boy took aim, and swinging his right foot caught him square between the legs. He screamed in agony and grabbed at his testicles. As he rolled around in agony the girl now on her feet, was stuffing her few belongings into a canvas holdall.

Now more composed, Ian at last found the balls to do something. He barged into the man's back, sending him sprawling. As he landed next to her she reached out and grabbed two handfuls of hair, forcing his head down to the mattress. Seeing his chance for revenge, Ian took aim and swinging his right foot, caught him square between the legs. He screamed in agony and grabbed at his testicles. As he rolled around in agony the girl, now on her feet, was stuffing her few belongings into a canvas holdall.

Quote
”Don’t worry he replied; I’m right behind you.”

”Don’t worry," he replied. "I’m right behind you.”

Quote
Rab had been in the next room when the trouble started, he'd been reading through some old newspapers with the help of a stub of candle. He had heard the commotion made a conscious decision not to get involved. Situations like those had a habit of resolving themselves the following day after the drink or drugs had worn off. Enemies had a habit ending up friends

Rab had been in the next room when the trouble started. He'd been reading through some old newspapers with the help of a stub of candle. He had heard the commotion and made a conscious decision not to get involved. Situations like those had a habit of resolving themselves the following day after the drink or drugs had worn off. Enemies had a habit ending up friends.

Phew!

So yeah, a bit of a mess.

That aside, the scene's a bit icky, isn't it, with these homeless people shagging and wanking over each other. Nothing wrong with something a bit transgressive but the way it's written, it feels quite stale. It's like, I should be shocked. And I'd welcome being shocked. I shouldn't read a scene like this and feel nothing.

All this said, and given that you know there are problems in here, kudos to you for giving it a go. I'd be tempted, though, to start on smaller scenes, shorter stories, work on bringing them to life, then apply what you've learned to bigger, more difficult scenes like this one. Without trying to be overly negative, reading a whole novel written like this would be too much like hard work.
This is not an exit.

Offline bri h

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 18523
Holding the boy by the scruff of the neck he leered at him. “Instead of playing with yourself in the dark," he said not needed, "how do you fancy the real thing?” He then sent the boy sprawling alongside the girl. "Let’s see you satisfy the bitch.”

Holding the boy by the scruff of the neck he leered at him. "Instead of playing with yourself, how do you fancy the real thing?" He threw the boy down to where she lay sprawled on the dirty mattress. "Let's see you satisfy the bitch!"


I've just realised something Bill. This is posted in the Gallery. The Gallery is where you post things that you're finished with and need no critiques. If you put this in RMP, you'll get much more good help. Jus sayin. Bri.
« Last Edit: May 08, 2013, 11:29:50 AM by brianh »
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline 2par

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4740
Yes, I wondered why it was in the Gallery.