Breaking Through

[123ajh]

Hey guys, i'm a first time poster on here.  I'd love to get some feedback on my poem, Breaking Through.  It's one of the first poems i've written and it would be great to get your opinions, if i've fallen into any traps and ideas on how to develop it.  Thanks a lot.

A Brook Brothers button down,
Cold, long, necked beer after beer,
Those who will control the paths of history,
Engulfed by glazed eyed beauties,
Riches hung around their porcelain figures,
Signs of a materialistic world once pined for.

A chance encounter in a far off land,
Awoke unknown desires,
To fall from the concrete giants of society,
Into the depths of a population forgotten,
Stigmatised for lack of ambition and morals,
By a group afraid to step off the tracks.

Across the black veins of society,
Beatniks, Hippies, Vagabonds and hobos,
Bodies thick with smoke and alcohol,
A desire for those like minded people,
To stretch across midnight skies,
In the emptiness of God's given beauty.

[510bhan]

No need for capitalised line beginnings . . . just use regular punctuation.


A Brook Brothers button-down,
cold, long, necked beer after beer, [do you mean the N wearing the BB shirt is cold/long and necking beeer, or do you mean cold, long-necked beer after beer?]
those who will control the paths of history,
engulfed by glazed eyed vapid/vacant beauties,
riches hung around their porcelain figures, [whose figures are porcelain? The beauties or the BB wearers? And why porcelain?]
signs of a materialistic world once pined for.

A chance encounter in a far off land,
awoke unknown desires[,]
to fall from the concrete giants of society[,]
into the depths of a population forgotten,
stigmatised for lack of ambition and morals,
by a group afraid to step off the tracks.

Across the black veins of society,
beatniks, hippies, vagabonds and hobos,
bodies thick with smoke and alcohol,
a desire for those like-minded people, [not sure the repeat of desire works]
to stretch across midnight skies,[can't quite see the contrast -- 1 desire in S2 is to fall and join this group, 2 this group wish to stretch across the skies? :-[]
in the emptiness of God's given beauty. [don't see why God has to join the party, it introduces a religious rather than a spiritual element and he hasn't been mentioned before . . . the characters here seem more in tune with nature and its rhythms IMO]

[AntonioM]

Hi, 123ajh, I quite liked this, in parts. Punctuation is your friend, it helps avoid the dangling modifiers that 510 struggled with. I disagree with that 510 on not mentioning God, as you can see it can alienate others from time to time, but it doesn't necessarily make it a bad choice. All in all, I would say be more thoughtful about which ideas you are taking into the next lines. JMHO, ARM.