Author Topic: final pages of "not by the book" #24  (Read 12876 times)

Offline wayne g

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final pages of "not by the book" #24
« on: May 04, 2013, 01:49:42 PM »
Thanks for the positive comments on the opening of my script NOT BY THE BOOK. I would appreciate your thoughts on the follow on pages i have posted below. These pages hopefully show more characters in a home and work setting.



Camera pans around the exterior of the Police station.

(VOICE OVER)

It's not all fresh air for Darren. At the end of his shift he has to return to the station to update his paperwork. It gives him a chance to catch up with colleagues and reflect on the day's events.
CUT TO:

INT. - PATROL ROOM Ė AFTERNOON
Montage shows shots of Police officers and Patrollers at work in the station. There is an obvious divide between them.
CUT TO:

INT. Ė INSPECTOR CROSSíS OFFICE Ė AFTERNOON

Inspector Trevor Cross has obviously made a big effort with his appearance in readiness for the interview. His pips are clearly on display and his name badge sits proudly on his chest. His desk has neatly stacked paperwork on it. A photograph of an attractive blonde lady (his wife) takes centre stage and is intentionally facing towards the camera.
INSPECTOR CROSS: to camera, responding to a question.  He appears overly passionate but is clearly towing the party line.
      

      Oh yes, my patrollers are an integral part of
      neighbourhood policing. They forge close links
      with the community and act as a focal point.
      The Police can often be viewed with suspicion
      but, my team are trying to break those barriers
      down. They are the eyes and ears of the
      division and they play a crucial role in the
      community regaining their neighbourhoods.
      Myself and the senior leadership team are
      committed to their future development.  

INTERVIEWER asks an obviously tricky question.

Inspector Cross shuffles uncomfortably in his chair.
            
               INSPECTOR CROSS: to camera, blinking nervously. Obviously lying.
      
      Well yes, complaints have risen by  
      per cent over the past eight years. However
      that's across the board. There is absolutely
      no evidence to point the finger at the
      Patrollers.
CUT TO:

A montage of clips of Darren unlocking his pedal bike and cycling through the rush hour traffic, on his way home.

(VOICE OVER) talking over the montage.
 
After a hard day at work Darren cycles three miles home to his wife Julie and his two young children. He is a loving husband and devoted father.
CUT TO:

INT. - LIVING ROOM Ė EVENING

The house looks untidy. There are children toys and unwashed plates strewn all over the room. Julie is seen trying to get the children to behave. Darren is seen in the background playing on a games console.

            JULIE: to camera looking stressed and dishevelled.
      
      Darren loves his job. He always wanted to work  
      for the Police. He got to thirty and thought
      sod it, my life's going nowhere, so he applied
      to join. Unfortunately, he didn't get through
      the paper sift but, they asked him to go for
      an interview for the patrollers job, and he got
      it.

CUT TO:
Two young boys, fighting on the floor. Darren gets up from his chair and walks towards the children. He steps over them and enters another room, closing the door behind him.

CUT TO:
            JULIE: to camera looking upset at Darren's lack of interest in the children.
      He was so determined to make a go of it, he
      even took a pay cut from his last job.

(INTERVIEWER) asks what his last job was.

            JULIE: to camera looking a bit embarrassed.
      He was a shelf stacker at Aldi.


Modified to remove all cap words from subject line per guidelines.
« Last Edit: October 01, 2013, 01:24:37 PM by wayne g »

Offline bri h

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Re: Follow on pages for - "Not By The Book" - first dated 29th April
« Reply #1 on: May 04, 2013, 04:04:50 PM »
Isn't this a shortened version of the first one you posted, or are we viewing Darren playing games and then ignoring the kids again? With regard to the Inspector on being found out in a lie, you could show him stretching his neck upwards like his collar and tie suddenly started to constrict? Oh, one last thing, "Towing the line." Should read, "Toe-ing the line." I think? I liked the first version I read better than this. To me it was a cross between "The Office," "Shameless," and "The Thin Blue Line," with Rowan Atkinson.
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline wayne g

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Re: Follow on pages for - "Not By The Book" - first dated 29th April
« Reply #2 on: May 06, 2013, 04:48:16 AM »
Brian apologies,
                         I'm not switched on as to how post items on here. The first posting i put on was a number of scenes that gave an idea of the main character and the type of situations he got himself into. However the main complaint was that it seemed to be a set of scenes and not a story. I decided to post the whole episode from start to finish in separate sections and not trying to post too much at one time. The last posting is exactly the same as the first posting word for word it's just that now it sits in the story and not just an individual scene.

Thanks

Wayne

Offline bri h

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Re: Follow on pages for - "Not By The Book" - first dated 29th April
« Reply #3 on: May 06, 2013, 05:38:25 PM »
Oh, I see. Thanks for the info.B
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline 2par

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Re: Follow on pages for - "Not By The Book" - first dated 29th April
« Reply #4 on: May 06, 2013, 06:31:04 PM »
Wayne, you're simply going to have to stop telling the cameraman and the director and the actors what to do.  The Director has complete control.  Just put in what's necessary and keep it simple.

Offline wayne g

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Re: Follow on pages for - "Not By The Book" - first dated 29th April
« Reply #5 on: May 07, 2013, 04:05:15 AM »
The way the camera pans is important to the format of the script, as in "The Office" I have studied many scripts from different genres and some use the same tecnique although granted, many don't.

Wayne

Offline bri h

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Re: Follow on pages for - "Not By The Book" - first dated 29th April
« Reply #6 on: May 07, 2013, 06:17:25 AM »
Hello Wayne, sorry for the lateness of this, but I had other stuff to sort out.
The last comment here was #5. This one is #6(you can see it at the top of this msg). Next time you have received a lot of comments and want to do an update(like new material, using the help you get) Make a note of the reply number. Lets say #20? The next one(yours) will be #21. So do a little bolded comment at the top, then add your text, and post it. Then go back to the very first post and "modify" it and put something like . . . "updated at post 21" or something, then save. It let's people know that you've added new material other than what's already been posted, then we can skim to that post and see the up-date. Hope this helps? I was shown in the same manner, and I believe in "Pay-it-Forward." Cheers, Bri.
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline 2par

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Re: Follow on pages for - "Not By The Book" - first dated 29th April
« Reply #7 on: May 07, 2013, 03:34:43 PM »
only the film Shooting Script uses the camera techniques.

Offline bri h

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Re: Follow on pages for - "Not By The Book" - first dated 29th April
« Reply #8 on: May 07, 2013, 04:00:22 PM »
Hiya Toop. Do a search on yewie for the very first episode of "The Office," and you'll better see the technique that Wayne is doing. B
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline 2par

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Re: Follow on pages for - "Not By The Book" - first dated 29th April
« Reply #9 on: May 07, 2013, 08:28:01 PM »
The Office is a TV show, not a movie.  Movies are written differently.  That's why I qualified "script"  with "film."

Offline bri h

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Re: Follow on pages for - "Not By The Book" - first dated 29th April
« Reply #10 on: May 07, 2013, 08:56:07 PM »
I don't get what you mean 2par? What's the problem like? I think if it works, then it works? B
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline 2par

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Re: Follow on pages for - "Not By The Book" - first dated 29th April
« Reply #11 on: May 07, 2013, 11:44:09 PM »
You can write it any way you want to.  Then, when it's all finished, you can have it put into the right form for whichever medium you may submit it to.  I don't know all the ins and outs myself.  So, I'd save myself the time and energy of putting it into a form that may or may not be correct while the main writing is being done.  Once a piece is accepted, a shooting script will be applied.

hillwalker3000

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Re: Follow on pages for - "Not By The Book" - first dated 29th April
« Reply #12 on: May 09, 2013, 11:40:58 AM »
I don't get what you mean 2par? What's the problem like? I think if it works, then it works? B

If you're creating a screenplay then as the writer you're not supposed to provide instructions to the camera. It's not a case of whether it works or not - there's a strict format the writer has to adhere to.


H

Offline wayne g

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Re: Follow on pages for - "Not By The Book"
« Reply #13 on: May 09, 2013, 01:50:43 PM »
CUT TO:

Darren cycling to work as dawn breaks on a new day.

CUT TO:

INT. Ė INSPECTOR CROSSíS OFFICE Ė MORNING
           
             INSPECTOR CROSS: to camera
      This morning Darren is at Mossdale youth club.
      Itís under threat of closure due to funding
      cuts. Heís there to offer our support. Keeping
      these clubs open is vital to the community and
      keeps anti-social behaviour off the streets.
      Heís got the respect of the children there.
      Itís part of his patrol plan, so heís a regular
      Visitor.

CUT TO:

INT. Ė YOUTH CLUB Ė MORNING
Montage of shots of children playing pool, playing on games consoles and others are sat chatting with friends. In the background Darren is seen in conversation with the youth club leader Maurice Sidebottom. Maurice is in his mid-fifties with a full head of grey hair. He dresses in a very old-fashioned style.

CUT TO:

INT. Ė MAURICEíS OFFICE Ė MORNING
           
            MAURICE: to camera
      Itís a very serious situation we are in. What
      they donít understand is that if this place
      closes thereís nothing else. This (Maurice
      points around the room)is it. Thereís no sports
      centre, no swimming pool, no multi-screen
      cinema bloody complex around here. This is it
      me, one part-time member of staff, a few
      volunteers and a shitty pool table. Thatís your
      lot.

(INTERVIEWER) asks what Darren contributes.

            MAURICE: to camera
      Heís in here all the time. He gets on great
      with the kids. They know heís got limited
      powers and they do take the piss a bit, but
      itís all harmless fun.

CUT TO:

INT. Ė YOUTH CLUB Ė MORNING

A young lad of about eight is seen trying to fasten Darrenís boot laces together as another boy of about the same age is jumping on his back. Also a young girl of about ten is seen wearing Darrenís cap and flashing his torch on and off. Darren bends down to get the boy away from his feet and as he straightens up the boy thumps him straight in the stomach. Although the boy is only play fighting he winds Darren and he doubles over. The camera pans to a couple of the volunteers who stare at the camera in disbelief. Darren composes himself and ruffles the hair of the boy that has punched him and pretends to chase around the room in a playful manner. Darren glances at the camera to see if they captured the incident.

CUT TO:

A montage of close up shots of adult staff and volunteers working with the younger children. A small group of girls are seen brushing and braiding their hair, supervised by a female volunteer who looks about sixty. Two male volunteers are seen playing pool with two young boys.

CUT TO:

INT. Ė MAURICEíS OFFICE Ė MORNING
           
            MAURICE: to camera
      At the end of the day Iíll be okay.
      Theyíll just move me to another area.
      Iíll turn up, do my job and get paid at
      the end of the month. But is that what I
      want? Of course it bloody isnít. Them
      (Maurice points into the main hall) is what
      matters. Itís them poor sods out there thatíll
      be left with nothing. (visibly shaken) What are
      they going to do when the bulldozers move in?

A knock on the door interrupts Maurice. Darren pops his head in and can see Maurice close to tears. The camera pans to a concerned Darren.

            DARREN:
      Is everything okay?

            MAURICE: regaining his composure.
      Yes, yes mate, everythingís just bloody
      marvellous. (pointing to the camera crew)
      Take this lot out there and get Jay to speak
      to them.

CUT TO: 

INT. Ė YOUTH CLUB Ė MORNING
Jay is a fifteen year old white youth who has been kicked out of school. He has lived all his life on the Mossdale council estate where the youth club is based. Facing the camera you can see he is under nourished and has several nasty spots. He is wearing a hoody that is up, and underneath the hoody is a baseball cap. Over the hoody he is wearing a gangster style, fake, chunky gold necklace that says ASBO.

            JAY: to camera, eating a chocolate bar.
      Itís a disgrace man, innit, like. This place
      ainít just a youth club, innit. Thereís mums n
      babies groups come here. Thereís job clubs,
      computer training, (showing his chocolate bar
      to the camera) healthy eatin sessions, innit.
      I first came here when I was six weeks old, six
      frigging weeks old man and these divs wanna
      take it all away. They talk about the youth
      showing respect, man. What respect are they
      showing us? I tell ya, before they shut it down
      iíll burn it to the ground myself, man. I ainít
      bothered a shit.

CUT TO:

EXT. Ė EXTERIOR OF YOUTH CLUB Ė MORNING
Camera pans around the exterior of the youth club and shows several elderly men working on a small allotment. The youth club looks shabby and in need of repair and redecoration.

CUT TO:

INT. Ė YOUTH CLUB Ė MORNING

            JAY: to camera responding to a question regarding the elderly.
      Thatís what am talking about, innit. This place
      is for everyone. Them old dudes out there love
      it, man. Theyíre here every day digging n shit.
      Growing chips n everything. I like to grow a
      bit myself, like. But you ainít gonna put no
      ketchup on my gear. No, but seriously itís a
      real catas, a real catastr ( Jay canít
      pronounce the word catastrophe ) itís a real
      bummer, innit, Ďcos them suits from the council
      ainít never even been here, like. They donít
      know the people round here, man. They donít
      know Doris, Frank, Elsie n Bill. They donít
      know that these oldies give up hours of their
      time every week to help the community. And
      whatís worse they donít give a shit. They make
      a decision n weíre supposed to suck it up.
      well, not me, man. Iím not gonna suck it up.

(INTERVIEWER) asks what his plan is.

            JAY: to camera
      Not got a frigging clue yet, but Iím working on
      it, innit.

(INTERVIEWER) asks Jay about Darren.

            JAY: to camera
      Heís alright, like. I donít really know what he
      does, innit. He just seems to walk around a
      lot. Heís like a postman with no letters. ( He
      pauses then smiles ) Oh yeah! He chases me and
      the boys around on a Friday night, trying to
      get our beer, man.

(INTERVIEWER) points out that Jay is too young to drink alcohol.

            JAY: to camera, looking baffled.
      Too young? Where are you from? Sometimes
      we win, sometimes he wins. I got enough youth
      referral letters at home to decorate my
      bedroom, innit.

A phone is heard ringing. Jay fishes it out of his pocket and puts his hand towards the camera signalling for them to stop filming. He walks away from the camera, but his conversation can still be heard.

            JAY:
      An eighth? Okay, Iíll be twenty minutes.

He walks back to the camera smiling.

            JAY: to camera patting his phone in his pocket.
      My Mam wants me to call at the shop on the way
      home.

(INTERVIEWER) asks Jay how Darren can help with the possible closure of the youth club.

            JAY: to camera, turning his lip up.
      I donít think Darren can help. He cares about
      the place, I know that much. But I donít think
      he can make a difference. Itís a shit, man, a
      real shit.           

CUT TO:

EXT. - EXTERIOR OF YOUTH CLUB Ė MORNING

(INTERVIEWER) asks Darren how he feels about the possible closure.

            DARREN:
      Itís terrible. I feel really sorry for Maurice.
      heís committed over twenty years of his life to
      this place. But, heís got to be careful. Heís
      in a really awkward position. Heís got his
      pension to think of. Heís sort of got to toe
      the line and get on with it. ( he pauses for a
      second ) But I donít.

The camera lingers on Darren waiting for him to elaborate. He doesnít say anymore.

Offline bri h

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Re: Follow on pages for - "Not By The Book" - first dated 29th April
« Reply #14 on: May 09, 2013, 02:02:27 PM »
If you're creating a screenplay then as the writer you're not supposed to provide instructions to the camera. It's not a case of whether it works or not - there's a strict format the writer has to adhere to.


H

(light-bulb over head-moment) Ah, I see. Cheers Phil. Got it. B
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx