Author Topic: Would love feedback on my first feature length script.  (Read 2064 times)

Offline Rebecca1509

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Would love feedback on my first feature length script.
« on: April 14, 2013, 02:53:25 PM »
Hi  :)

I've recently completed my first ever feature length script (94 pages) and would love feedback on it if possible.

LOVE LIES: A rebellious teenager falls into a coma, waking years later to discover the baby she believed lost is very much alive. This discovery proves destructive, as strained relationships expose years of buried deceit. As the lies unfold, Jessica is forced to face her inner demons in order to save the life of a loved one.

Here is the first 6 pages as a slight introduction. If you would be willing to read the full script and provide feedback please message me with your email address and I will email it to you.

Thanks  :)

EXT. PARADE OF SHOPS - DAY

Islington, London in 1993. A row of small and run-down shops.

Four 15 year old school girls, in matching school uniform, sit outside.

JESSICA is a pretty brunette with a slim but curvy figure and strips of red in her hair. Her shirt partially open, revealing a red strap top underneath.

KIMBERLEY is a slim blonde, very pretty and she knows it. Her shirt also undone, revealing a low-cut black strap top. Heavy make-up.

AMBER is a stocky girl with dark hair.

MELISSA is a slim brunette with dark make-up.

JESSICA and AMBER smoke. AMBER takes a drag and passes it to MELISSA.

KIMBERLEY
You want to hurry up?

MELISSA blows the smoke towards KIMBERLEY, smiling. She throws the cigarette on the floor and jumps down from the wall.

MELISSA
Come on then.

The other girls follow MELISSA into the newsagents.

INT. NEWSAGENTS - DAY

AMBER and MELISSA look at magazines, besides a shelf filled with alcohol.

KIMBERLEY walks up to the counter.

JESSICA heads to a shelf filled with health and cosmetic items.

KIMBERLEY picks up a pack of chewing gum and pulls out a handful of coppers. She smiles at the shop owner.

He sighs and begins to count the money.

MELISSA slowly picks up a bottle of vodka from the shelf.

JESSICA checks to see none of her friends are looking, then picks up a pregnancy test. She puts it in her bag.

The shop owner notices AMBER and MELISSA.

SHOP OWNER
(shouting)
Oi!

JESSICA quickly looks up to see MELISSA putting the bottle of vodka under her arm.

MELISSA runs out the shop. AMBER grabs a bottle of whiskey and follows.

JESSICA and KIMBERLEY run out.

EXT. PARADE OF SHOPS - DAY

All four girls run past the shops, shoving and knocking people.

The shop owner runs out. He slows to a walk and stops.

SHOP OWNER
(shouting)
Hey.

AMBER and MELISSA reach an alleyway. They turn to face the shop owner.

AMBER
(shouting)
Fuck off.

JESSICA and KIMBERLEY go down the alleyway.

MELISSA lifts the bottle of vodka to her mouth and drinks. She puts two fingers up to the shop owner.

AMBER follows MELISSA into the alleyway, laughing and drinking.

JESSICA lightly grabs KIMBERLEY's arm.

JESSICA
(in a hushed voice)
Can I come back to yours for a bit?

KIMBERLEY
Sorry babes, I'm supposed to be seeing Jamie in a bit.

JESSICA looks slightly disappointed.

KIMBERLEY (CONT'D)
Come back to mine tomorrow yeah?

JESSICA
Yeah okay.

AMBER stands between JESSICA and KIMBERLEY and hands JESSICA the bottle of whiskey.

AMBER
Come on lightweights.

KIMBERLEY rolls her eyes. JESSICA drinks.

INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT

A narrow hallway with a few pictures on the wall of JESSICA and her parents.

The sound of a TV and a woman talking can be heard.

JESSICA slowly closes the front door and creeps towards the stairs. She reaches an open door leading to the living room.

In the living room JESSICA's dad, GEORGE, is sat watching a nature programme.

GEORGE, 39, is a harmless looking man with a beer belly.

DEBORAH, 37, is a slim woman with harsh facial features.

JESSICA's mum, DEBORAH, is slowly pacing up and down, on the phone.

DEBORAH (O/S)
No it's unacceptable.
(pause)
I know.

JESSICA glances into the room, then hurries up the stairs. DEBORAH notices her.

DEBORAH (CONT'D)
I couldn't agree more. Can you hold on a second?

She follows after JESSICA.

DEBORAH (CONT'D)
(shouting)
Jessica.

INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT

JESSICA sits on the edge of the bath, holding a pregnancy test.

Her bag sat on the floor beside her, the pregnancy test box resting on top.

DEBORAH knocks on the door.

DEBORAH (O/S)
(shouting)
Kimberley's mother said she came home stinking of alcohol. Have you been drinking Jessica?

The pregnancy test shows to be positive.

JESSICA puts the test down next to her. She gets her phone out her bag and dials 'CHRIS'.

DEBORAH (O/S) (cont'd)
(shouting)
Jessica.

JESSICA
(quietly into phone)
I need to see you, can you come get me please?


DEBORAH (O/S)
(shouting)
Answer me.

JESSICA
(quietly into phone)
OK, bye.

JESSICA hangs up the phone. She shoves it back in her bag, along with the pregnancy test.

INT. LANDING - NIGHT

DEBORAH angrily waits at the bathroom door.

JESSICA unlocks the door. She ignores DEBORAH and heads towards the stairs.

DEBORAH lunges after JESSICA, grabbing her bag.

DEBORAH
Tell me.

DEBORAH notices the pregnancy test. She stares at it in shock and anger.

JESSICA runs down the stairs.

EXT. JESSICA'S HOUSE - NIGHT

A long road of terraced town houses.

A front door opens and JESSICA rushes out.

DEBORAH follows after her, throwing the bag to JESSICA's feet.

DEBORAH
You stupid girl.

JESSICA meekly picks it up. Tears begin to fall.

DEBORAH grabs her arm, shoving the pregnancy test in her face.

DEBORAH (CONT'D)
(angrily)
Do you know just how disgusted I am?

JESSICA tries to pull her arm free.

JESSICA
Get off of me.

DEBORAH
You're just a child yourself.  Your father and I taught you better than this, we didn't raise you to be such a whore.

Anger fills JESSICA's face.

JESSICA
I guess I just learnt it from you.

Smack! DEBORAH slaps JESSICA round the face.

They both stand in shock.

A small car pulls up in front of the house.

JESSICA violently pulls her arm free and rushes to the car. DEBORAH follows.

DEBORAH
Jessica I'm sorry, please talk to me.

JESSICA gets in. The car pulls away.

DEBORAH (CONT'D)
(screaming)
Jessica please!

INT. CHRIS' CAR - NIGHT

JESSICA stares out the passenger window as CHRIS drives. Bon Jovi's 'Cross Road' cassette quietly plays in the background. Currently on 'In These Arms'.

CHRIS is a good looking, slightly muscular, 17 year old. Tattoos cover his arms.

CHRIS
Shouldn't we talk about this?

CHRIS glances at JESSICA.

CHRIS (CONT'D)
Jess.

JESSICA
I don't want to talk about it, I just want IT to go away.

He looks shocked.

CHRIS
Is that really what you want?

JESSICA
I don't know what I want. I just know I can't go back to that house.

CHRIS
You won't have to. You can live at mine until we can get a place of our own. I'll take up some extra shifts at work.

JESSICA
Oh great and I'd be left all alone looking after some whiney little brat.

He smiles at her.

CHRIS
It wouldn't be like that though 'cause it would be our child.

She rolls her eyes.

CHRIS turns the car radio up slightly and leans down towards JESSICA's stomach.

CHRIS (CONT'D)
(half singing/half talking, along with the song)
I'd never leave you and love you 'til the end of time.

JESSICA smiles slightly.

CHRIS (cont'd)
(half singing/half talking, along with the song)
If you were in these arms-

She glances up towards the road.

JESSICA
(shouting)
Chris.

CHRIS looks up towards the road to see a traffic light turned red. He hits the brakes.

CHRIS
Shit.

'In These Arms' finishes and 'Bad Medicine' begins playing.

CHRIS turns the radio up a bit and taps along on the steering wheel.

JESSICA watches him, smiling.

JESSICA
Great parenting already I see.

The traffic light turns green. CHRIS pulls off.

JESSICA looks down at her stomach, deep in thought.

Bright lights fill the car and illuminates her face. The sound of tyres screeching.

JESSICA looks up.

A loud bang.

Offline midnight candle

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Re: Would love feedback on my first feature length script.
« Reply #1 on: April 14, 2013, 02:56:51 PM »
welcome to the forum rebecca,

make yourself at home by reading the stickies on the board and introducing yourself in the welcome section - we don't bite (honest).  :)


daryl

Offline Dawn

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Re: Would love feedback on my first feature length script.
« Reply #2 on: April 14, 2013, 03:39:36 PM »
Hi Rebecca,

Looks promising.

Please pop by and introduce yourself - I think then you'll get some reviews ;)

http://mywriterscircle.com/index.php?board=1.0
Time to take it serious and get the job done

hillwalker3000

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Re: Would love feedback on my first feature length script.
« Reply #3 on: April 14, 2013, 06:08:21 PM »
Good start - but I'm not sure I'd have Jessica's mother discovering the positive pregnancy test so soon into the story. You end up glossing over what should be a much more dramatic scene with mother and daughter acting out stereotypical roles. Better left out altogether than rushed.

And once they're in the car how does Chris know she's pregnant when she hasn't even told him?

H3K

Offline 2par

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Re: Would love feedback on my first feature length script.
« Reply #4 on: April 14, 2013, 08:12:36 PM »
i like this.  i can see the action and the personalities. 
is it necessary that we see the girlfriends in the beginning, unless they're important later one?
it could start with Jessica sneaking in.
We don't need to see her tell Chris about the baby.  the change of scene is enough to know we're catching up with them a bit later.
obviously, there's a crash.  now, how the results of that crash  are dealt with would be interesting.