Author Topic: Been There Done That. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.#105, 549 words.  (Read 19994 times)

hillwalker3000

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #90 on: February 25, 2013, 01:31:34 PM »
To echo Lin's advice: We're here as friends not teachers. You could do a lot worse than join a local Creative Writing course (evening classes or whatever). That's what started me writing 4 years ago (and look at me now!).

H

Offline bri h

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #91 on: February 25, 2013, 01:38:34 PM »
We've visited this comment before, you and I phil. Will look and see if there's any courses near me.  :) Am still determined to engage you with something interesting I've written. Even if I have to beat you about the face and body with a rolled up manuscript. Don't ask me if there'll be words on the ms? I won't know till then!  ;D
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #92 on: February 25, 2013, 01:51:46 PM »
Now that you know a heap of groovy writing terms and have faced the Wolfe, I doubt if going back to school holds anything daunting for you, Brian. ;) When you first joined, you said you'd tried another site that was obsessed with grammar and spelling etc. I think perhaps that was just lack of confidence -- and now . . . well, you can hold your head up high and mix it with the best of them without feeling inadequate. Look how much you have learnt since you joined here. ;) ;) ;)

Offline bri h

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #93 on: February 25, 2013, 02:21:49 PM »
Yup. Been there. Done that.  ;D I do feel more confident round you lot, and I do think I've made new friends. I also think I've made progress. I want more though. I'll get there in the end, I'm sure. I'll still be doin everythin else I do on the site(bein cheeky, buggin people, tryin to be clever, humorous even) I just won't be postin "stuff" for a while, that's all. Not goin anywhere.  ;D Thanks for all the adv guys. xbx
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline Dawn

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #94 on: February 25, 2013, 03:30:18 PM »
Do you read a lot, Brian? If so are you reading different types of books? There are lots of unusual styles/pov's out there that might be worth looking into. Just an idea.
Time to take it serious and get the job done

Offline bri h

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #95 on: February 25, 2013, 07:13:34 PM »
Hiya Dawn, yeah I read a lot but mostly fiction. I am looking out for the Kenneth Williams Diaries. I'd love to read those. since I've been writing this last year, we moved house and I put away Steve King's "On Writing," and so far I've not been able to find it. I think I really need to get it and read it. I read news articles. Many's the time I've had to clean me pc screen as I've over-reacted to a lying politicians words! laf. I like to read all the stories on here. Watch them develop and hope some of the writers skill rubs off. xbx
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Wolfe

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #96 on: February 25, 2013, 08:04:46 PM »
I'm stealing that arched eyebrow sentence.

Try sittin in a pub/club with a couple of gay guys but watch them as they watch the fellers passing and this is what they do. I used to say to them I was nervous bout gettin up to get the drinks, in case they were eying me up. They said no, you're not our type. I asked what type is that? They all, to a man said, "gay!"

You can't have it Wolfe, you can borrow it, but I may need it myself later some time. ;D

I hope the gays don't make you nervous anymore. You do realize this business links with Hollywood and all the theatrics included. I learned all my fabulous terminology from friends who fancied a little man fu . . . er, fun. Yes, fun. That's what I was going to say.  8)

And I am stealing it.

You owe me.  :D

Offline bri h

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #97 on: February 25, 2013, 08:09:35 PM »
in that case, it's yours. But now we're quits. You little F.unn.er! (I knew what you were gonna say?) ;D
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline bri h

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #98 on: February 28, 2013, 08:28:23 AM »
Just fiddling with it.(No joke or smut intended!;D)

It's not easy being a Night-Club bouncer. It's not that glamorous at all. But when you're in your early twenties like I was at the time, everything seemed easy, including the lasses. Women threw themselves at me, and I put up no resistance. I'm not naieve to think I was the sole fascination. I think it could've possibly been the free admission to the club that may have been part of the attraction. Who am I kidding? It was the main reason.
On a monday night which is usually Stripper-and-Stag-Nights, a strange thing happened to me that at any other time I would've said "No Way!"

Most of the people who came to those shows are usually all in by eight pm. As the last few slightly-worse-for-wear patrons staggered in, I heard a screech of tyres coming from the car-park underneath the club. Because of the rabbit-warren of lanes down there we'd get the odd visit from the local boy-racers, throwing Dads car about as if they were on some imaginary race-circuit, but having to get home by nine pm because they have school or college in the morning. This is what I thought the noise appeared to be.

As I turned from the open Club door a Ford Capri went cruising slowly by and parked a few bays away from the entrance. It had a sound all of its own. More like a vibration than a sound. A young feller nonchalantly got out of the car. It ticked as it started to cool, and looking about him like he was checking everything out, he locked it and walked towards me. He had an air about him that didn't seem like swagger, but something else I couldn't quite put my finger on? Now i don't want you to get the wrong idea or anything? I'm not gay or owt. I can just see when something or someone is beautiful, and this guy was.

He had this look about him you only ever see on the telly or in the movies. Tanned, chiselled- complexion, nice dresser, and a confidence that just seemed to ooze from his pores. All this I observed as he strode confidently through the foyer up to where we all stood. I wish I had a gait like that. I take little steps, like taking little timid bites out of my surroundings. He, on the other hand greedily took huge mouthfuls of the world by taking giant strides. I think at this point I briefly fell in love.

« Last Edit: February 28, 2013, 08:32:13 AM by brianh »
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

hillwalker3000

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Re: Been There Done That. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.#15, 428 words
« Reply #99 on: February 28, 2013, 09:43:03 AM »
Ok - the usual 'slash and burn' if I might be allowed.

It's not easy being a Night-Club bouncer. It's not that glamorous at all.
Two statements that suggest there's a link - but 'easy' and 'glamorous' are not the same. If your second sentence had been 'It's not that easy at all the pairing might have made more sense.
Perhaps you can change the second to 'It's not that glamorous either.'
See what I mean?

But when you're in your early twenties like I was at the time, You're getting too close to the reader again - bad habit I was in my early twenties everything seemed easy, including the lasses. Women threw themselves at me, and I put up no resistance. I'm not naieve naive enough(?) to think I was the sole fascination Bit awkward I was irresistible (?). I think it could've possibly been the free admission to the club that may might have been part of the attraction. Who am I kidding? It was the main reason only attraction.

On a monday night which is usually Stripper-and-Stag-Nights, a strange thing happened to me that at any other time I would've said "No Way!"

Why do we need this prologue? If something happened why not just get on with telling us what it was? And opening with 'On a Monday night' suggests this 'strange thing' happened every Monday.

Most of the people who came to those shows are usually all in by eight pm. As the last few slightly-worse-for-wear patrons staggered in, I heard a screech of tyres coming from the car-park underneath the club. Because of the rabbit-warren of lanes down there we'd get the odd visit from the local boy-racers, throwing Dads car about as if they were on some imaginary race-circuit, but having to get home by nine pm because they have school or college in the morning. This is what I thought the noise appeared to be.

Sorry - but most of this paragraph is back-story that has nothing to do with what follows. I think the 'boy-racers' can be introduced much more concisely as an excuse for you to go investigating.
Something like. . .


Monday nights were usually Stripper-and-Stag-Nights and the club normally filled up by eight o'clock. So when I heard the screech of tyres from the car-park beneath the club I assumed it was some boy-racer taking his dad's car for a spin before bed time.
But
as I turned from the open Club door a Ford Capri went cruising slowly by and parked a few bays away from the entrance. It had a sound all of its own. More like a vibration than a sound. A young feller nonchalantly got out of the car. It ticked as it started to cool, and looking about him like he was checking everything out, is he nonchalant or furtive? he locked it and walked towards me. It's a heck of a long sentence describing someone getting out of a car! He had an air about him that didn't seem like swagger, but something else I couldn't quite put my finger on? Now i don't want you to get the wrong idea or anything? I'm not gay or owt. Authorial intrusion - why are you telling us this, and why would anyone care? I can just see when something or someone is beautiful, and this guy was.

He had this look about him you only ever see on the telly or in the movies. Tanned, chiselled- complexion, nice dresser, and a confidence that just seemed to ooze from his pores. All this I observed as he He strode confidently through the foyer up to where we all stood. Until I re-read this I thought you were still down in the subterranean car park. See how that boy-racer paragraph almost messed up the plot? I wish I had a gait like that. I take little steps, like taking little timid bites out of my surroundings. He, on the other hand greedily took huge mouthfuls of the world taking giant strides. Not sure we need the last 3 words but. . . Probably some of the best writing you've graced these pages with so far! Showing (gasp) rather than Telling! I think at this point I briefly fell in love.


This definitely gets better as it goes along. Just a case of chipping away at the irrelevancies and uncovering the guts of the story underneath.

H3K

Offline bri h

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Re: Been There Done That. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.#15, 428 words
« Reply #100 on: February 28, 2013, 10:47:10 AM »
Bri retired from the thread for a brief moment to wipe the tears of relief and gratitude from his eyes. . . .

Cheers Phil. It's nice to finally receive the recognition of my work that I've WORKED SO BLOODY HARD FOR!  ;D ;D 

I wasn't sure about the wording of naievety(can't seem to get that bloody word to look right!) so I left it as is. Thanks for the suggy. I suppose the bits you've generously pointed out to me are fatty tissue per se, but I felt I should produce some flourish to make the story more interesting. I'm thinking of extending this a bit to include a few other funnies in it, purely to do more showing. So I have to leave the Stag's n Strippers in for now. I'll think about it some more. I'll copy and paste tonight and edit and see what I think of it then? Not promising to pare all of it. Just what looks right, but still within the bounds of your crit. Thanks again, as usual.
(This good crit wouldn't have anything to do with me diggin you in the ribs the other day on anothers crit, would it? I wouldn't want to feel like you'd been intimidated into a more positive crit!) ;D ;D ;D ;D
(asks the guys nervously, is he laughing?) ;D
« Last Edit: February 28, 2013, 11:22:45 AM by brianh »
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

hillwalker3000

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Re: Been There Done That. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.#15, 428 words
« Reply #101 on: February 28, 2013, 11:42:06 AM »
(This good crit wouldn't have anything to do with me diggin you in the ribs the other day on anothers crit, would it? I wouldn't want to feel like you'd been intimidated into a more positive crit!) ;D ;D ;D ;D
(asks the guys nervously, is he laughing?) ;D

No - I have ice running through my veins and a heart of granite, so no amount of nudging or weeping has any effect on me. You could, however, try financial incentives. . .
. . . and if you notice, I have kept the reference to Stags-n-Strippers. Just trimmed some of the fat.

H

Offline bri h

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Re: Been There Done That. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.#15, 428 words
« Reply #102 on: February 28, 2013, 01:00:49 PM »
I see what you mean with the cut re the boy racers phil, kinda like. . . .I was about to go and investigate the noise, but I stopped just inside the door as a ford capri emerged from the shadows under the Club. . . .like that, do you think? "Ice-water!"  Yeah ice water with a touch of Vodka in it mate! Cheers.
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

hillwalker3000

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Re: Been There Done That. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.#15, 428 words
« Reply #103 on: February 28, 2013, 01:04:34 PM »
Yes. I understand what you actually did. It's just all that stuff about the car park underneath the night club which doesn't really add anything except confusion to the scenario.

H3K

PS - Mine's a SOCO rather than vodka if you're buying ;D

Offline bri h

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Re: Been There Done That. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.#15, 428 words
« Reply #104 on: February 28, 2013, 01:18:02 PM »
First off. I'm celebrating, why'm I buying?  ;D

Oh go on then, get whatever you want in the bar later. But WORK first! ha ha.

I suppose the only thing I can say bout some of the superfluous detail is that it kinda paints a picture of me, or the character in that place using the language and seeing some of the onerous duties, so you walk with him under the club and then back inside where "things" happen. At the moment, I like it. So I'm gonna keep it/them for a while. As you've said so often, this is your opinion after all and I always welcome it, but for now let me just say this. . . . .Prrrrppppppp!!(that looks more like a fart than a raspberry!) ;D
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx