Author Topic: Been There Done That. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.#105, 549 words.  (Read 20005 times)

Offline bri h

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #75 on: February 24, 2013, 06:54:27 PM »
I know love, but not only did I get lost in it, I didn't even get to the good bit! There was tongue lashing and stuff in it! Eurgh! I just remembered it was a guy! ;D It was getting so I couldn't remember me name! Sorry lovey, seems you wasted your time Actually, it wasn't a total waste, i suppose. I learned some more things, just not the ability to use em. . . yet? That's all. there's a free drink or more in the bar for all your efforts. xbx
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #76 on: February 24, 2013, 07:45:38 PM »
Siobhan was only twenty-two when she started work as a bouncer at a busy city nightclub. What's important here? Age -- as a general thing, 22 shows she got her cert early on so must be pretty smart or driven to this sort of career. Anyone outside of the security industry probably wouldn't get that though, so the focus for the reader is that she is pretty young [work that through visuals] and works the door as a bouncer. What does a bouncer do? Use some of the tasks a bouncer has to perform to illustrate the job. Checking bags for illicit booze, actually checking for weapons and any obvious drugs, keeping the crowd in a good mood so they can enjoy the club when they get in, keeping them safe and moving them on making sure they meet the dress code. You could use any of these things instead of saying her job title.

She liked the choice of men that queued up outside on weekend nights. Here we have some information about how she passes the time while on duty. How do we know she liked the choice of men -- probably chatted some up, exchanged a lecherous/appreciative glance or two at some particularly buff bodies, restrained her desire to squeeze the muscly bum in tight jeans/wondered if the guy trained in the same gym as jean Claude Van Damme. Any of those things could be used [not all of them].

Her boss was always on her case. Use the word 'again' in a some barked order for a menial duty the boss gives her. Have her dream of running her own place and not being a dickhead like her boss . . .  she'd never [cite an example of his horrid behaviour] in her club. 

She got fed up with his advances and then his temper when she refused him and he called her a dyke. Give some body language to demonstrate the strained relations between boss and bouncer, back it up with some dialogue to illustrate the tone.



All of the above sentences are obvious 'tell'. The explanation afterwards gives an idea how it might be better 'shown' by using examples which ought to include the senses . . . fragrant aftershave, beery breath, nasal twang, throaty rasp, salty sweat, kebab and onion aromas seeping through the crowd, exhaust fumes of waiting taxis tainting the night air, strobe/neon lights, drunks singing, dogs barking, glass breaking, crush of bodies as groups squeezed past . . . Whatever is decided ought to be short and sweet, to the point and moving things along.  ;) ;)   

Offline bri h

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #77 on: February 24, 2013, 09:23:19 PM »
See? The strange thing is. When you put it like that I can actually see it. But as soon as I have an empty page, that I have to fill, I go blank and start telling. every time. Ma asked for the opener to be done. I did it. And it was shocking. I tried to do something fresher, she said no am not doing some other work then went off and did someone else's work anyway. Not gettin at ma or anyone else. But I got so confused, it wasn't fun anymore, just a chore. I was doing it to try and please. But not for me, everyone else. You've been the soul of patience with me. Guiding me step-by-step. And still, I can't get it.

I'll just toddle along, bit by bit in the hopes that one day it'll just "click" and finally I'll be able to write something worth reading. Maybe I should just accept the fact that I'm "fick?" ha ha. I'm goin to bed, long day and all that. I'll give it another go tomorrow, with a fresh pair of eyes. Gnight mate. x
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #78 on: February 24, 2013, 10:03:34 PM »
Brian, one problem with your learning what others are trying to tell you may be that you are trying too hard. Print out one of your stories, put it away and do not even look at it for at least 3 weeks.

While it is simmering in a bottom drawer (or where ever), read. Read good books, not the kind you might pick up on a whim - pick a good, well written book and stick with it.

When you go back to your be sure you have a colored pen in hand (I prefer Green), read your work aloud to yourself - don't rush through it, read each word out loud.

That's where the colored pen comes in handy. When a word sounds wrong or you find yourself stumbling over a word, phrase or even a sentence or paragraph - circle or underline them so you can come back to them later to see if you can make changes to improve.

If the work is litter with "ed" - "ing" - and so on, try rewording to cut some of it out and make it active (show) instead of placid (tell).

FYI - when doing a first draft of a story most people know edits will be needed to make improvements. So don't beat yourself up if you can't make it perfect on the first go round. It's nothing for me to edit even a short story multiple times before letting others see it. And then as soon as I send it off, more often than not I see something I wish I could change.

 
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I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.
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Offline bri h

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #79 on: February 25, 2013, 07:22:50 AM »
When a word sounds wrong or you find yourself stumbling over a word, phrase or even a sentence or paragraph - circle or underline them so you can come back to them later to see if you can make changes to improve.

This is my problem though. I don't know which ones are wrong. To me they all look right. I'll work on it and try again. Later, when I've decided what I want to do. Thanks for the helpful tip. I'm gonna go look at all the link-thingy's in more depth and see if they'll help me more. Thanks. b
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Lin

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #80 on: February 25, 2013, 07:54:28 AM »
Brian do you own a Thesaurus?  There is probably one on your computer but having a paperback copy in your writer's library can be helpful if you take your work away from the computer.  I am editing at the moment and I have two copies, one is a phone app and very useful indeed and the other is a Roget's Thesaurus which I use as well.  It will help you to learn stronger words and give you some ideas. A dictionary is just as useful too. If you get chance pop into your local bookshop and buy one.  I cannot see myself being a writer without it!

Lin x


Offline 510bhan

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #81 on: February 25, 2013, 08:25:30 AM »
ma's original exercise . . .

Telling indicators: Was, were, had, there, it, lys, have been.

Your first para.

I was a Night-Club bouncer in my early twenties.
What other word/phrase/expression could replace I was? Does the whole sentence need a tweak to better set up a picture of the character minding the door of a nightclub? What could the bouncer be doing? Think of a game of charades and how you would act it out for people to guess.

I had women falling for me regularly.
A bit of an obvious statement. If it is a regular happening use the word usual/again/frequent/regular in a description of a woman falling for you/throwing herself at you. Again -- think of a little scene playing out where you'd twig on what the femme fatale was up to. Did she wink at you? Did she give your bum a squeeze as she passed by too close pressing her body against yours?

This isn't a boast.
Then make it sound as if it isn't.

I think the idea of going out with a bouncer may have been the main attraction, or they got in the Night-club without paying. Either way, it seemed to be girl-heaven for me.
Play a scene with a chancy young woman trying to get in for free, use some dialogue.


Summarised like this by Wolfe: Bouncing at a bar with wall-to-wall tits has its benefits.'Course, I scored. Regular, sure enough.

But I digress. One night a gorgeous feller came in, and later in the night we got talking. He was a foreign exchange student from . . . one of the colonies, I think?
How else could we 'see' this young foreign exchange student? Maybe give him a South African accent when he asks how much the admission price is or he is exceptionally polite, which set him apart from the rest of the rabble.

He had a beautiful toned athletic body, with curly tousled blond hair and a great personality.
Let the reader see this body through his movement -- how he danced, lifted a glass, sat on a bar stool -- something that would allow you to paint his elegant movement. How can we see his great personality . . . you/we've only just seen him. Is he polite, friendly -- show this in some sort of thing he does.

He dressed casually but I could see by the way he comported himself that he'd thought about his dress sense and everything he had on probably felt right for him.
Let us see how his clothes enhance his appearance, perhaps include what you see as a well-practised move on his part to best show his muscles/smile/sparkling eyes/whatever.

He'd had an interesting life, but he wasn't a blow-hard as most of the guys were in those days.
How do we/you know so much so soon? Have you overheard him talking to the barman or other guys? If this isn't in sequence -- don't use it. You've already explained he attracted your attention.

He'd engaged my interest by being funny. This always attracted me to girls back then.


Summarised like this by Wolfe: But that night . . . that night he showed. You know the type. Gun-slinging swagger, Hollywood hard-body, and a Paul Newman face.  


Once you've addressed all those little niggles to rid them of the telling curse words, review the sentences and see if they move us forward closer to the 'kiss', which is the big deal of this story. If they don't do their job get rid of them.

Wolfe's take: Bouncing at a bar with wall-to-wall tits has its benefits. 'Course, I scored. Regular, sure enough. But that night . . . that night he showed. You know the type. Gun-slinging swagger, Hollywood hard-body, and a Paul Newman face.

Wolfe

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #82 on: February 25, 2013, 08:56:39 AM »
On that note, I'm stealing that arched eyebrow sentence. It's genius.

You know, I said it before, and I'll say it again: I wouldn't waste my time if you didn't show talent.


Oh he was gay. Not probably. Definitely. The longing looks. The sipping instead of gulping. The arched brow that delivered each verdict.

Troll. Bear. Rough trade. Bi-sexual but doesn't know it yet. Not bad. Do-able. Yummy. Take Me Now!

And then he turned that eyebrow toward me.



That's my voice and style. Now watch this:


I could tell from his mannerisms he was gay. The longing looks. The sipping instead of gulping his drink like a drowning man. Checking out the fellers as they passed. That arched eyebrow delivering the internal verdict.


That's your voice and style. All I did was refine and polish it. Smooth out the rough edges. That's all. And, let me tell you, if you opened your novel with it, I'd definitely keep reading.

It takes time to spin straw into gold. Ask any member here to show you their first attempts. I bet they'd rather swallow battery acid than face that embarrassment.

Quit being so hard on yourself. If this shit was easy, everyone would do it. Everyone tries it because they think it is.

It's not. It takes time, talent, and training to get it. You have a leg up from most. You have talent. You just need to let time and training take effect.

And don't get sappy on me. I'm still a bastard. And apparently not helpful either.  ;D
« Last Edit: February 25, 2013, 08:59:16 AM by Wolfe »

Offline bri h

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #83 on: February 25, 2013, 09:07:34 AM »
Gotta hand it to Wolfe! His take on it was looked brilliant! This is what I aspire to. Yours was had a look that said Author. Ds's spectactularly amazed me for such a short piece. I get these shvon, I really do.

But the thing is. What you's all describe is what you's want to say. All I wanted was to write about something that happened to me and something that could've happened. It went from my story to all of yours. That's not to say that all your stories had nothing to say,(the techie stuff offered was amazing!) just not what I wanted to say.
I really need to decide if this is for me or not? I'm having serious doubts. I came to this site cos of the shit poems I wrote and then moved on to the shorty's, which seemed much better. I think I probably just got lucky. You's all write so beautifully and it's what I think I want. But for one reason or another, this ain't fun anymore. And I really feel I'm not being fair to all of you's, monopolising your time in this way. Maybe you's see me as a nice distraction from your more serious work? You's all remember what it was like learning to write and all you want to do is pass the knowledge on. This is fine, but you have to pass it on to someone who takes it in. I try, I really try and I end up lookin stoopid. Because in some aspects, I am stupid. But I will get better(not sure if I mean better at writing or better at being stupid?), it'll just take me longer. But like Lin said, and has been said elsewhere, this isn't the place to learn. I'll still be here for the fun and games, the competitions and the odd fiddle with someones work. But I won't be posting my stuff, until I feel it's good enough, for me. Then I may post. I'm not giving in. I will write better, but at a slower rate than all of you. Phew! that's a lot for a short answer. Sorry if I ranted a bit. I feel better already. ;D Thanks chuck. x


came back to say to Wolfe, Genius? ya kiddin right? btw, I've been watching your crits(oh yes, I told you I value em) Who are you and where's the real Wolfe? ha ha. Thanks for all the help mate. Really. And I'm really sorry about. . . you know. . . the. . . .thingy. . . last year!  ;D I've made my decision and am choosing to learn, learn,learn. Just not monopolising your time(s). Cheers. b. . . . . . .Genius? Who woulda guessed. . . .? ;D
« Last Edit: February 25, 2013, 09:14:12 AM by brianh »
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #84 on: February 25, 2013, 09:33:48 AM »
But that's the thing Brian . . . you want to SAY [aka TELL] us what happened.

You have to make it more reader-friendly and to do that you have to adopt the techniques we have wittered on about. At the moment the story-telling verges on boring because of its passive tone and lack of actions by the charcters involved for the reader to see the scene/story unfold.

You signpost it all. Now I'm going to unfold this bit for you and when I do you will see the man with the big beer belly laughing, because that was what he did back then. Are you ready? There. There's the man -- doesn't he look like a fun guy? ::) ::)


Take another look at the post I made before Wolfe's latest one [2 back] and answer those questions I posed  -- based on your writing -- and come up with more read-friendly images for us IN YOUR WORDS. :)

Offline bri h

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #85 on: February 25, 2013, 10:22:03 AM »
ok. last time tho. eating at the min, back in 15.
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline bri h

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #86 on: February 25, 2013, 11:01:14 AM »
"Bouncing isn't easy you know. No by God. It looks easy cos as I'm standin here looking all relaxed, but inside I'm like a coiled spring waiting for release. Just because you're standing here with me, admiring me, I saw you. Don't deny it. Hey it's ok, am used to it. But it doesn't mean I'm not working. I am. I just look like I'm not." He heard the sound of raised voices and glass breaking, turning from. . .? For the life of him, he couldn't remember her bloody name. . . ?
"Whoa! Duty calls I'll be right back, darlin."
Some nob-ead makin his mouth go at the bar-maid. "Problem mate?"
hmm? short feller, bout 11 stone, way too many drinks, no problem. But still keep sharp cos you never know.
"When I need another drink? Ah'll shout ya over ya f***in penguin, till then why don't you go an F**k off!"
Oh Gawd! A writer! You can tell them a friggin mile off, and there were a few of them in tonight. It's always the same with those lot. They write a best-seller on fighting and sword-play and they think they can fight the world!
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline bri h

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #87 on: February 25, 2013, 11:40:12 AM »
I'm stealing that arched eyebrow sentence.

Try sittin in a pub/club with a couple of gay guys but watch them as they watch the fellers passing and this is what they do. I used to say to them I was nervous bout gettin up to get the drinks, in case they were eying me up. They said no, you're not our type. I asked what type is that? They all, to a man said, "gay!"

You can't have it Wolfe, you can borrow it, but I may need it myself later some time. ;D
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

hillwalker3000

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #88 on: February 25, 2013, 12:56:39 PM »
I assume the first paragraph of dialogue in #86 is the bouncer chatting-up his latest groupie (in his head, maybe, rather than out loud). But, wow, 66 words to tell her his job is more difficult than it looks. Is he really trying to bore the pants off her? Well. . . maybe.

You've been given a lot of advice about how to engage the reader by showing rather than telling - as well as writing tight. Well this is nothing like your previous posts - perhaps you dumped them and decided to start again but there was some good stuff hidden away. Better, in my opinion, than this clumsy opening. I can't even work out whether it's a first-person narrative or third-person - you seem to switch half way through.

I'm getting the impression (like with the coal wagons piece and the  swearing story) that you re-post as soon as you get the latest critiques from us - editing off the cuff and changing things purely to please us rather than yourself. That's fatal because you end up pleasing nobody and lose sight of the original plot. 75% of creative writing has to be spontaneous - but yours can't possibly be. More of a knee-jerk reaction than absorbing what you learn and making use of it.

One thing I find when I write a story is that it's virtually impossible to edit it on-screen. I don't know why, but it's not until I print it out that I see the glaring mistakes, the typos, the redundant words, repetitions, and those bits where I tell too much. I also find it helps if I put it away for a day or two then go back to it with fresh eyes. That way there's a chance I might have forgotten some of what I've written so it's almost like looking at someone else's words.

Constantly changing what you have written every ten minutes is never going to work. It's an useful exercise, perhaps, to see what others think about what you have written, but trying to rewrite the same piece over and over again in immediate response to the latest feedback is crazy.

H3K

Offline bri h

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #89 on: February 25, 2013, 01:12:02 PM »
I rest my case. This is the point I'm trying to make. Tell the truth Phil. Look at all the help, tips, links and advice given on these threads. A normal person would have got it by now. Wouldn't they? I'm not gettin it! I'm either abnormally stupid or way ahead of you's and am waitin for the evolutionary leap you's have to take to catch me up! ;D  I tried it and I failed. . .This time. Will leave it awhile and then try again, in the future. Have been given, over the last few months, quite a few links to see, so I'll go do them and try to learn. Thanks for trying. bri.
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx