ma's original exercise . . .
Telling indicators: Was, were, had, there, it, lys, have been.
Your first para.
I was a Night-Club bouncer in my early twenties.
What other word/phrase/expression could replace I was? Does the whole sentence need a tweak to better set up a picture of the character minding the door of a nightclub? What could the bouncer be doing? Think of a game of charades and how you would act it out for people to guess.
I had women falling for me regularly.
A bit of an obvious statement. If it is a regular happening use the word usual/again/frequent/regular in a description of a woman falling for you/throwing herself at you. Again -- think of a little scene playing out where you'd twig on what the femme fatale was up to. Did she wink at you? Did she give your bum a squeeze as she passed by too close pressing her body against yours?
This isn't a boast.
Then make it sound as if it isn't.
I think the idea of going out with a bouncer may have been the main attraction, or they got in the Night-club without paying. Either way, it seemed to be girl-heaven for me.
Play a scene with a chancy young woman trying to get in for free, use some dialogue.
Summarised like this by Wolfe: Bouncing at a bar with wall-to-wall tits has its benefits.'Course, I scored. Regular, sure enough.
But I digress. One night a gorgeous feller came in, and later in the night we got talking. He was a foreign exchange student from . . . one of the colonies, I think?
How else could we 'see' this young foreign exchange student? Maybe give him a South African accent when he asks how much the admission price is or he is exceptionally polite, which set him apart from the rest of the rabble.
He had a beautiful toned athletic body, with curly tousled blond hair and a great personality.
Let the reader see this body through his movement -- how he danced, lifted a glass, sat on a bar stool -- something that would allow you to paint his elegant movement. How can we see his great personality . . . you/we've only just seen him. Is he polite, friendly -- show this in some sort of thing he does.
He dressed casually but I could see by the way he comported himself that he'd thought about his dress sense and everything he had on probably felt right for him.
Let us see how his clothes enhance his appearance, perhaps include what you see as a well-practised move on his part to best show his muscles/smile/sparkling eyes/whatever.
He'd had an interesting life, but he wasn't a blow-hard as most of the guys were in those days.
How do we/you know so much so soon? Have you overheard him talking to the barman or other guys? If this isn't in sequence -- don't use it. You've already explained he attracted your attention.
He'd engaged my interest by being funny. This always attracted me to girls back then.
Summarised like this by Wolfe: But that night . . . that night he showed. You know the type. Gun-slinging swagger, Hollywood hard-body, and a Paul Newman face.
Once you've addressed all those little niggles to rid them of the telling curse words, review the sentences and see if they move us forward closer to the 'kiss', which is the big deal of this story. If they don't do their job get rid of them.
Wolfe's take: Bouncing at a bar with wall-to-wall tits has its benefits. 'Course, I scored. Regular, sure enough. But that night . . . that night he showed. You know the type. Gun-slinging swagger, Hollywood hard-body, and a Paul Newman face.
