Author Topic: Been There Done That. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.#105, 549 words.  (Read 19989 times)

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #60 on: February 24, 2013, 04:22:19 PM »
I've brought it here:

Eying his appearance in the entrance doorway-glass, smoothing a fleck of lint from his shoulder and watching its descent. [this sentence does not make sense -- look at your verbs and your subject -- where is it?] Have I still got it? course I do, who could resist this body, these looks, the free passes?
 
"Oi! Arse-hole, when you can tear yourself away from admiring yourself, we've got a club to open!" The Manager's caustic voice shocked him into looking idiotic and amateurish in front of the 'talent,' his reputation in shreds now.

He started unbolting the doors, mentally checking out the local tarts waiting to get in. Who's the lucky girl tonight then? One little blonde definately liking the look of him, giving him the glad-eye.[as well as tell it's syntactically incorrect. I'd lose it, you mention her later when she speaks, so for now I'd stick with her description.] He spotted one on her own, no over-clingy mates to get rid of, make-up applied a little too carefully, gagging for it. So she's got her best clobber on, a right tidy little package. He threw the doors wide to let the herd in, "Evening Ladies, Welcome to Paradise!"

The blonde still giving him the eye, passed him and offered, "Aye aye, ow are ya?"

Oh God, why can't I get the whole package, with these girls? Good looks, fabulous body with a nice plummy voice that makes you want to listen when she says anything, with not just your ears pricking up . . . ?

Offline bri h

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #61 on: February 24, 2013, 04:45:12 PM »
Eying his appearance in the entrance doorway-glass, smoothing a fleck of lint from his shoulder. Have I still got it? course I do, who could resist this body, these looks, the free passes?
 
"Oi! Arse-hole, when you can tear yourself away from admiring yourself, we've got a club to open!" The Manager's caustic voice shocked him into movement, he hadn't heard him coming up behind him. Bugger, that'd be another demerit on his record.

He started unbolting the doors, mentally checking out the local tarts waiting to get in. Who's the lucky girl tonight then? One little blonde definately liking the look of him, giving him the eye. On her own, no over-clingy mates to get rid of, make-up applied a little too carefully, gagging for it. She's got her best clobber on, a right tidy little package. He threw the doors wide to let the herd in, "Evening Ladies, Welcome to Paradise!"

The blonde still giving him the eye, passing him offered, "Aye aye, ow are ya?"

Oh God, why can't I get the whole package, with these girls? Good looks, fabulous body, with a nice plummy voice that makes you want to listen when she says anything. With not just your ears pricking up . . .
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #62 on: February 24, 2013, 05:03:33 PM »
Eying his appearance in the entrance doorway-glass, smoothing a fleck of lint from his shoulder. [who or what is doing the eying and the smoothing? . . .  you have no subect in the sentence. A sentence requires a subject and a verb] Have I still got it? course I do, who could resist this body, these looks, the free passes?
 
"Oi! Arse-hole, when you can tear yourself away from admiring yourself, we've got a club to open!" The Manager's caustic voice shocked him into movement, he hadn't heard him coming up behind him. Bugger, that'd be another demerit on his record.

He started unbolting the doors, mentally checking out the local tarts waiting to get in. Who's the lucky girl tonight then? One little blonde definately liking the look of him, giving him the eye. [tense . . .  either gave him the eye or was giving. Using 'giving' on its own doesn't work. Like I said before you could probably cut it because you refer to her later and it will also get rid of the repeat phrase.] On her own, no over-clingy mates to get rid of, make-up applied a little too carefully, gagging for it. She's got her best clobber on, a right tidy little package. He threw the doors wide to let the herd in, "Evening Ladies, Welcome to Paradise!"

The blonde still giving him the eye, passing him offered, "Aye aye, ow are ya?"

Oh God, why can't I get the whole package, with these girls? Good looks, fabulous body, with a nice plummy voice that makes you want to listen when she says anything. With not just your ears pricking up . . .

Offline bri h

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #63 on: February 24, 2013, 05:16:40 PM »
oh I see, hang on. brb
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

hillwalker3000

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #64 on: February 24, 2013, 05:27:25 PM »
I got a bit confused with the mix of third-person narrative and first-person internalised thoughts. Not so much showing as puzzling.

Eying his appearance in the entrance doorway-glass, smoothing a fleck of lint from his shoulder.
I know you think you're showing us what he's doing - but this is still telling. Instead of reporting what he's looking at, why not allow the internalised dialogue do it all for you?

'Hiya, handsome. Ready to rumba? Ooh - a bit of lint on the old shoulder pads there. Have I still got it? Of course I do.  Who can resist this body, these looks, the free passes?'

Most readers will have figured out he's admiring his reflection. . .

"Oi! Arse-hole, when you can tear yourself away from admiring yourself, we've got a club to open!"
. . . so if we already know he's admiring himself you don't need to have the manager spell it out for us again. Agreed?

The Manager's caustic voice shocked him into movement, he hadn't heard him coming up behind him. Bugger, that'd be another demerit on his record.

If you now intend switching to a third-person narrative rather than internalised dialogue you have to be especially careful of telling everything. I'd say that the first sentence is 100% telling - and the second is distracting and borderline authorial intrusion. A demerit for looking at himself in the window?

He flicked his unfinished cigarette into the gutter and gave the manager a shit-eating grin.
Yes sir, yes sir, three bags full, sir.


As I suspected, the rest is rather a muddled mixture of statements and more internalised thoughts.

He started unbolting the doors, mentally checking out the local tarts waiting to get in. Who's the lucky girl tonight then? One little blonde definitely liking the look of him, giving him the eye. On her own, no over-clingy mates to get rid of, make-up applied a little too carefully, gagging for it. She's got her best clobber on, a right tidy little package. He threw the doors wide to let the herd in, "Evening Ladies, Welcome to Paradise!"
The blonde still giving him the eye, passing him offered, "Aye aye, ow are ya?"

Oh God, why can't I get the whole package, with these girls? Good looks, fabulous body, with a nice plummy voice that makes you want to listen when she says anything. With not just your ears pricking up . . .


Personally I think this scene works best if you stick with his internalised thoughts. At least then you don't need to tell us you're checking out the tarts as you check them out (which is what you have done here more or less) or inform us how one blonde gives you/him the eye (twice) before showing us how she goes about giving you/him the eye.

H3K

Offline bri h

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #65 on: February 24, 2013, 05:34:35 PM »
Eying his appearance in the entrance doorway-glass. Brian stood in the foyer, brushing a fleck of lint from his shoulder. Have I still got it? course I do, who could resist this body, these looks, the free passes?
 
"Oi! Arse-hole, when you can tear yourself away from admiring yourself, we've got a club to open!" The Manager's caustic voice shocked him into movement, he hadn't heard him coming up behind him. Bugger! That'd be another demerit on my record.

He started unbolting the doors, mentally checking out the local tarts waiting to get in. Who's the lucky girl tonight then? One little blonde definately liking the look of him, gave him the eye. On her own, no over-clingy mates to get rid of, make-up applied a little too carefully, gagging for it. She's got her best clobber on, a right tidy little package. He threw the doors wide to let the herd in, "Evening Ladies, Welcome to Paradise!"

As they paraded themselves past him into the club, they rubbed their arms in an effort to get warm. He goggled at the scantily-clad body parts on show. The temperature outside must have dropped a little in the last few hours. Look at the nipples on her! Glad to be in the warm environs of the club, the blonde he'd spotted earlier, passed him, and shouted "Aye aye, ow are ya?"

What a big-mouth! why can't I get the whole package, with these girls? Good looks, fabulous body, with a nice plummy voice that makes you want to listen when she says anything. With not just your ears pricking up . . .
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #66 on: February 24, 2013, 05:37:59 PM »
Did you read Phil's critique before you posted this? Often you are giving the information twice -- choose one, the best way for balance, imagery and economy of words. Look back at what he has suggested and explained. ;) ;) ;)

Eying his appearance in the entrance doorway-glass, Brian stood in the foyer, brushing a fleck of lint from his shoulder. Have I still got it? course I do, who could resist this body, these looks, the free passes?
 
"Oi! Arse-hole, when you can tear yourself away from admiring yourself, we've got a club to open!" The Manager's caustic voice shocked him into movement, he hadn't heard him coming up behind him. Bugger! That'd be another demerit on my record.

He started unbolting the doors, mentally checking out the local tarts waiting to get in. Who's the lucky girl tonight then? One little blonde definately liking the look of him, gave him the eye. On her own, no over-clingy mates to get rid of, make-up applied a little too carefully, gagging for it. She's got her best clobber on, a right tidy little package. He threw the doors wide to let the herd in, "Evening Ladies, Welcome to Paradise!"

As they paraded themselves past him into the club, they rubbed their arms in an effort to get warm. He goggled at the scantily-clad body parts on show. The temperature outside must have dropped a little in the last few hours. Look at the nipples on her! Glad to be in the warm environs of the club, the blonde he'd spotted earlier, passed him, and shouted "Aye aye, ow are ya?"

What a big-mouth! why can't I get the whole package, with these girls? Good looks, fabulous body, with a nice plummy voice that makes you want to listen when she says anything. With not just your ears pricking up . . .

hillwalker3000

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #67 on: February 24, 2013, 05:39:09 PM »
Now you're going backwards - perhaps it's too late to think straight.

Eying his appearance in the entrance doorway-glass. Brian stood in the foyer, brushing a fleck of lint from his shoulder.
The Manager's caustic voice shocked him into movement, he hadn't heard him coming up behind him.
He started unbolting the doors, mentally checking out the local tarts waiting to get in.
One little blonde definately liking the look of him, gave him the eye.
As they paraded themselves past him into the club, they rubbed their arms in an effort to get warm. He goggled at the scantily-clad body parts on show.
Glad to be in the warm environs of the club, the blonde he'd spotted earlier, passed him, and shouted "Aye aye, ow are ya?"


All tell, I'm afraid. I can hear the voice-over in my head.

H3K

Offline bri h

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #68 on: February 24, 2013, 05:41:37 PM »
I posted after you phil. I only changed a bit of stuff and dropped a bit of others. So I'll just use your crit then, for this. Cheers. Thanks for your time on this lost cause! I saw what you meant re the manager. It is a repeat so not needed. Back to my over-worked drawing board. Am startin to think I'll never get it. But I'll keep trying. bri
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline bri h

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #69 on: February 24, 2013, 05:43:47 PM »
F&*^%G HELL! I don't even know how to swear properly on here. ;D
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #70 on: February 24, 2013, 05:48:26 PM »
Take it slowly. Look at what Ma, Wolfe and Phil have said/suggested. What have they done? Where have they made changes? Why have they made changes? How did they effect those changes?  ;)

Original:

I was a Night-Club bouncer in my early twenties. I had women falling for me regularly. This isn't a boast. I think the idea of going out with a bouncer may have been the main attraction, or they got in the Night-club without paying. Either way, it seemed to be girl-heaven for me. But I digress. One night a gorgeous feller came in, and later in the night we got talking. He was a foreign exchange student from . . . one of the colonies, I think? He had a beautiful toned athletic body, with curly tousled blond hair and a great personality. He dressed casually but I could see by the way he comported himself that he'd thought about his dress sense and everything he had on probably felt right for him. He'd had an interesting life, but he wasn't a blow-hard as most of the guys were in those days.

First edit/rough (changing all telling to showing):

I bounced at a nightclub. Women fell for me regularly. It sounds like boasting. Sure. But landing the bouncer for a little hot-and-heavy scored big points. Course, free admission to the club brought benefits too. Wall-to-wall breasts worked for me. But that's what made what happened surprising. One night, this guy showed. You know his kind. Gun-slinging swagger with a Hollywood hard-body and a Paul Newman face.

Second run/rearrange:

Bouncing at a bar with wall-to-wall tits has its benefits. Of course, you scored easy. It happens. That's why what happened next surprised me. One night, this guy showed. You know the kind. Gun-slinging swagger with a Hollywood hard-body and a Paul Newman face.

Third run/refocus with voice:

Bouncing at a bar with wall-to-wall tits has its benefits. 'Course, you scored. Regular, no doubt. But that night surprised me. That's the night he showed. You know the type. Gun-slinging swagger with a Hollywood hard-body and a Paul Newman face.

Polish/Add style:

Bouncing at a bar with wall-to-wall tits has its benefits. 'Course, I scored. Regular, sure enough. But that night . . . that night he showed. You know the type. Gun-slinging swagger, Hollywood hard-body, and a Paul Newman face.

Trouble.

Run-down:

Bouncing at a bar (alliteration) with wall-to-wall tits (imagery) has its benefits (rhyming alliteration). 'Course, (dialect - indirect showing) I scored. Regular, sure enough (showing dialect - indirect alliteration between scored and sure). But that night . . . that night he showed (intentional repetition, voice, mystery to make the reader keep reading - He who?). You know the type. (Indirect showing - causes reader to imagine the 'type' beforehand) Gun-slinging swagger, (alliteration and showing personality with the walk alone), Hollywood hard-body (imagery, alliteration), and a Paul Newman face (direct showing example with minimal detail because of reference).

Trouble. (micro-cliffhanger, suspense)

Finished:

Bouncing at a bar with wall-to-wall tits has its benefits. 'Course, I scored. Regular, sure enough. But that night . . . that night he showed. You know the type. Gun-slinging swagger, Hollywood hard-body, and a Paul Newman face.

Trouble.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was a night-club bouncer in my early twenties.

Phil puffed out his chest and flicked a stray hair from his Burtons suit. The birds are going to love me tonight. He blew a kiss to his reflection in the ticket booth window.

1. He thinks he's irresistible.
2. Vane and proud of his appearance.

The manager sauntered over to the nightclub entrance. "Oi, Prince Charming, I'm letting the punters in."

3. His age range.

"Yes, Boss." Heat crept up his cheeks.

4. Embarrassment and not confident with authority.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I got a bit confused with the mix of third-person narrative and first-person internalised thoughts. Not so much showing as puzzling.

Eying his appearance in the entrance doorway-glass, smoothing a fleck of lint from his shoulder.
I know you think you're showing us what he's doing - but this is still telling. Instead of reporting what he's looking at, why not allow the internalised dialogue do it all for you?

'Hiya, handsome. Ready to rumba? Ooh - a bit of lint on the old shoulder pads there. Have I still got it? Of course I do.  Who can resist this body, these looks, the free passes?'

Most readers will have figured out he's admiring his reflection. . .

"Oi! Arse-hole, when you can tear yourself away from admiring yourself, we've got a club to open!"
. . . so if we already know he's admiring himself you don't need to have the manager spell it out for us again. Agreed?

The Manager's caustic voice shocked him into movement, he hadn't heard him coming up behind him. Bugger, that'd be another demerit on his record.

If you now intend switching to a third-person narrative rather than internalised dialogue you have to be especially careful of telling everything. I'd say that the first sentence is 100% telling - and the second is distracting and borderline authorial intrusion. A demerit for looking at himself in the window?

He flicked his unfinished cigarette into the gutter and gave the manager a shit-eating grin.
Yes sir, yes sir, three bags full, sir.

As I suspected, the rest is rather a muddled mixture of statements and more internalised thoughts.

He started unbolting the doors, mentally checking out the local tarts waiting to get in. Who's the lucky girl tonight then? One little blonde definitely liking the look of him, giving him the eye. On her own, no over-clingy mates to get rid of, make-up applied a little too carefully, gagging for it. She's got her best clobber on, a right tidy little package. He threw the doors wide to let the herd in, "Evening Ladies, Welcome to Paradise!"
The blonde still giving him the eye, passing him offered, "Aye aye, ow are ya?"
Oh God, why can't I get the whole package, with these girls? Good looks, fabulous body, with a nice plummy voice that makes you want to listen when she says anything. With not just your ears pricking up . . .

Personally I think this scene works best if you stick with his internalised thoughts. At least then you don't need to tell us you're checking out the tarts as you check them out (which is what you have done here more or less) or inform us how one blonde gives you/him the eye (twice) before showing us how she goes about giving you/him the eye.

Offline bri h

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #71 on: February 24, 2013, 06:17:52 PM »
Right! Let's get started. Unbolt the doors, step back, don't want to be mowed down in the rush. Look at that dark-haired young-ish one. She's pressing her boobs up against the glass. I'll have to check her I.D. She might be trying too hard. I don't want to lose my licence-to-bounce again. Wow, she's gorgeous, that little blonde near the door definitely likes the look of me, that's the third time she's checked me over. Stand up a bit taller son, let her see the muscles. On her own. Bonus. No over-clingy mates to get rid of, make-up applied a little too carefully, gagging for it. She's got her best clobber on, a right tidy little package. Adjust the tie, make sure it's on straight. Stand silent and mysterious, adds to the pull. Wait for it. . . wait for it. . . then.
"Evening Ladies, Welcome to Paradise!"
The blonde, still eying him up, taking her time to pass offers,
"Aye aye, ow are ya?"

Oh God, what a gob! Why can't I for once get the whole package with these girls? Good looks, fabulous body, with a nice plummy voice that makes you want to listen when she says anything. With not just your ears pricking up . . .

Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #72 on: February 24, 2013, 06:27:19 PM »
We haven't even got to the interesting bloke, which the story is about, as you've now taken so long with the intro about being a bouncer.
Remember your original and Wolfe's take on it?

I was a Night-Club bouncer in my early twenties. I had women falling for me regularly. This isn't a boast. I think the idea of going out with a bouncer may have been the main attraction, or they got in the Night-club without paying. Either way, it seemed to be girl-heaven for me. But I digress. One night a gorgeous feller came in, and later in the night we got talking. He was a foreign exchange student from . . . one of the colonies, I think? He had a beautiful toned athletic body, with curly tousled blond hair and a great personality. He dressed casually but I could see by the way he comported himself that he'd thought about his dress sense and everything he had on probably felt right for him. He'd had an interesting life, but he wasn't a blow-hard as most of the guys were in those days. 152 words of tell.

Bouncing at a bar with wall-to-wall tits has its benefits. 'Course, I scored. Regular, sure enough. But that night . . . that night he showed. You know the type. Gun-slinging swagger, Hollywood hard-body, and a Paul Newman face. 39 words of show.


Right! Let's get started. Unbolt the doors, step back, don't want to be mowed down in the rush. Look at that dark-haired young-ish one. She's pressing her boobs up against the glass. I'll have to check her I.D. She might be trying too hard. I don't want to lose my licence-to-bounce again. Wow, she's gorgeous, that little blonde near the door definitely likes the look of me, that's the third time she's checked me over. Stand up a bit taller son, let her see the muscles. On her own. Bonus. No over-clingy mates to get rid of, make-up applied a little too carefully, gagging for it. She's got her best clobber on, a right tidy little package. Adjust the tie, make sure it's on straight. Stand silent and mysterious, adds to the pull. Wait for it. . . wait for it. . . then. {it's an awful lot of his thinking . . . couldn't you grab a more succinct image?}"Evening Ladies, Welcome to Paradise!"

The blonde, still eying him up, taking her time to pass offers, "Aye aye, ow are ya?" [keep the dialogue on the line with the speaker it is attributed to]

Oh God, what a gob! Why can't I for once get the whole package with these girls? Good looks, fabulous body, with a nice plummy voice that makes you want to listen when she says anything. With not just your ears pricking up . . .



Offline bri h

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #73 on: February 24, 2013, 06:42:14 PM »
hmmmm? Funny day today? I've been beaten. Shouted at(I imagine). Pulled hither and thither. Trying to please EVERYONE! Am done! I'll restrict myself to the games and the funnies, that way my plague-like posts won't affect the proper writers here! (laughing as I type)

Seriously though, I've taken enough of your valuable time with something I'm just not getting. Am not giving up. I just think I'll keep back and let others have a go. I really really do appreciate all your efforts. But, I'm no good at it. I can't do it, yet. When I do, you'll be the first to know(actually I hope I'll be the first to know, but somehow, I doubt it?)

Phil before you start spouting that I'm feeling sorry for myself, let me assure you I'm not! I just need more than usual time to get this and I'm taking up too much of yours and the rest of the guys. It's not fair to others more worthy of your efforts.
There! I can go to the Bar now and for the first time, I think I'll have a pint.  Drinks are on me if anyone wants one or three! Cheers, Bri.
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #74 on: February 24, 2013, 06:46:51 PM »
 :D :D :D :D :D

In your efforts to make more 'show' instead of 'tell', you ended up with a lot of waffle when all that was needed was a subtle and succinct way of getting across that he was bouncer with plenty of willing and available female flesh at hand. ;)