Take it slowly. Look at what Ma, Wolfe and Phil have said/suggested. What have they done? Where have they made changes? Why have they made changes? How did they effect those changes?
Original:
I was a Night-Club bouncer in my early twenties. I had women falling for me regularly. This isn't a boast. I think the idea of going out with a bouncer may have been the main attraction, or they got in the Night-club without paying. Either way, it seemed to be girl-heaven for me. But I digress. One night a gorgeous feller came in, and later in the night we got talking. He was a foreign exchange student from . . . one of the colonies, I think? He had a beautiful toned athletic body, with curly tousled blond hair and a great personality. He dressed casually but I could see by the way he comported himself that he'd thought about his dress sense and everything he had on probably felt right for him. He'd had an interesting life, but he wasn't a blow-hard as most of the guys were in those days.
First edit/rough (changing all telling to showing):
I bounced at a nightclub. Women fell for me regularly. It sounds like boasting. Sure. But landing the bouncer for a little hot-and-heavy scored big points. Course, free admission to the club brought benefits too. Wall-to-wall breasts worked for me. But that's what made what happened surprising. One night, this guy showed. You know his kind. Gun-slinging swagger with a Hollywood hard-body and a Paul Newman face.
Second run/rearrange:
Bouncing at a bar with wall-to-wall tits has its benefits. Of course, you scored easy. It happens. That's why what happened next surprised me. One night, this guy showed. You know the kind. Gun-slinging swagger with a Hollywood hard-body and a Paul Newman face.
Third run/refocus with voice:
Bouncing at a bar with wall-to-wall tits has its benefits. 'Course, you scored. Regular, no doubt. But that night surprised me. That's the night he showed. You know the type. Gun-slinging swagger with a Hollywood hard-body and a Paul Newman face.
Polish/Add style:
Bouncing at a bar with wall-to-wall tits has its benefits. 'Course, I scored. Regular, sure enough. But that night . . . that night he showed. You know the type. Gun-slinging swagger, Hollywood hard-body, and a Paul Newman face.
Trouble.
Run-down:
Bouncing at a bar (alliteration) with wall-to-wall tits (imagery) has its benefits (rhyming alliteration). 'Course, (dialect - indirect showing) I scored. Regular, sure enough (showing dialect - indirect alliteration between scored and sure). But that night . . . that night he showed (intentional repetition, voice, mystery to make the reader keep reading - He who?). You know the type. (Indirect showing - causes reader to imagine the 'type' beforehand) Gun-slinging swagger, (alliteration and showing personality with the walk alone), Hollywood hard-body (imagery, alliteration), and a Paul Newman face (direct showing example with minimal detail because of reference).
Trouble. (micro-cliffhanger, suspense)
Finished:
Bouncing at a bar with wall-to-wall tits has its benefits. 'Course, I scored. Regular, sure enough. But that night . . . that night he showed. You know the type. Gun-slinging swagger, Hollywood hard-body, and a Paul Newman face.
Trouble.
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I was a night-club bouncer in my early twenties.
Phil puffed out his chest and flicked a stray hair from his Burtons suit. The birds are going to love me tonight. He blew a kiss to his reflection in the ticket booth window.
1. He thinks he's irresistible.
2. Vane and proud of his appearance.
The manager sauntered over to the nightclub entrance. "Oi, Prince Charming, I'm letting the punters in."
3. His age range.
"Yes, Boss." Heat crept up his cheeks.
4. Embarrassment and not confident with authority.
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I got a bit confused with the mix of third-person narrative and first-person internalised thoughts. Not so much showing as puzzling.
Eying his appearance in the entrance doorway-glass, smoothing a fleck of lint from his shoulder.
I know you think you're showing us what he's doing - but this is still telling. Instead of reporting what he's looking at, why not allow the internalised dialogue do it all for you?
'Hiya, handsome. Ready to rumba? Ooh - a bit of lint on the old shoulder pads there. Have I still got it? Of course I do. Who can resist this body, these looks, the free passes?'
Most readers will have figured out he's admiring his reflection. . .
"Oi! Arse-hole, when you can tear yourself away from admiring yourself, we've got a club to open!"
. . . so if we already know he's admiring himself you don't need to have the manager spell it out for us again. Agreed?
The Manager's caustic voice shocked him into movement, he hadn't heard him coming up behind him. Bugger, that'd be another demerit on his record.
If you now intend switching to a third-person narrative rather than internalised dialogue you have to be especially careful of telling everything. I'd say that the first sentence is 100% telling - and the second is distracting and borderline authorial intrusion. A demerit for looking at himself in the window?
He flicked his unfinished cigarette into the gutter and gave the manager a shit-eating grin.
Yes sir, yes sir, three bags full, sir.
As I suspected, the rest is rather a muddled mixture of statements and more internalised thoughts.
He started unbolting the doors, mentally checking out the local tarts waiting to get in. Who's the lucky girl tonight then? One little blonde definitely liking the look of him, giving him the eye. On her own, no over-clingy mates to get rid of, make-up applied a little too carefully, gagging for it. She's got her best clobber on, a right tidy little package. He threw the doors wide to let the herd in, "Evening Ladies, Welcome to Paradise!"
The blonde still giving him the eye, passing him offered, "Aye aye, ow are ya?"
Oh God, why can't I get the whole package, with these girls? Good looks, fabulous body, with a nice plummy voice that makes you want to listen when she says anything. With not just your ears pricking up . . .
Personally I think this scene works best if you stick with his internalised thoughts. At least then you don't need to tell us you're checking out the tarts as you check them out (which is what you have done here more or less) or inform us how one blonde gives you/him the eye (twice) before showing us how she goes about giving you/him the eye.
