Author Topic: Been There Done That. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.#105, 549 words.  (Read 19184 times)

Offline ma100

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #45 on: February 23, 2013, 06:54:40 PM »
Well Brian if you don't have a go at that little exercise I set you, I tell you now, I won't come back again because my time is mine.  ;) It doesn't even matter if you have trouble, at least you will have been seen to try. ;)

Offline bri h

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #46 on: February 23, 2013, 07:00:03 PM »
I'm going to ma. I can post these little answers as we type, freely, but for something I really want to accomplish properly, I want to give it my full attention without distraction. So as soon as I've got the place to mesel I'll look, copy and re-write! I do appreciate your time and patience with me. Not treating it lightly. My threads and stories would be a lot less critted without your input. I see you as a friend just as much as I see shvon and the rest. Nothing will I do to jeopardise this. Ok?   OK?!  :)
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline bri h

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #47 on: February 24, 2013, 09:04:53 AM »
Been There, Done That

Phil's job as a Night-Club bouncer, puzzled him, maybe it was the idea of going out with a bouncer or the fact they got in the night-club without paying that made the women make a bee-line for him. It seemed to be girl-heaven for him. He never complained about it, why cut me nose off to spite my face?
This knowledge actually had a good effect on him, and his dress code improved drastically. Standing in the foyer of the club, he gazed at his reflection in the doors-glass, top to toe. Almost chucking-in time, suit-pressed, hair-combed, shoes-polished. he stood straighter, puffing his chest out, trying to look irrisistible.



Later that night he had an extroadinary encounter, that had a profound effect on him, that would change his viewpoint on many things, including romance. Over the preceding last few months he'd seen quite a few foreign-exchange students patronise the club. This one looked different, from . . . one of the colonies, maybe? Australia? America? His tanned athletic body a dead giveaway, with curly tousled blond hair. He could see by the way he comported himself that he'd thought about his dress sense and everything he had on probably felt right for him. As he passed Phil, he nodded and winked, "G'day," Ah, Australia, full of vim and vigour and beach parties with thousands of shrimp tossed on the barB's. Phil nodded in return, keeping up the appearance of being a hard-ass by not replying. The Aussie strode past and climbed the stairs to the club.
An hour later, with the last of the late-night revellers stumbling in, it was time for Phil to make his first round of the club. A necessary chore, but you have to let the girls see the goods. "On tonights menu ladies, we have. . . !"

I have to stop this for now, Skinny's looking and throwing daggers of neglect at me, but this is where I'm up to. Is this looking/reading any better?

Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline ma100

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #48 on: February 24, 2013, 09:24:37 AM »

I have nothing to say except this. You haven't even tried to recognise what has been shown. ;)

Okay,  an exercise Brian that might help you.

Look at all these words and pretend they are swear words and not to use them in public. However, an odd one slips through. ;)

Telling indicators: Was, were, had, there, it, lys, have been.

Your first para.

I was a Night-Club bouncer in my early twenties. I had women falling for me regularly. This isn't a boast. I think the idea of going out with a bouncer may have been the main attraction, or they got in the Night-club without paying. Either way, it seemed to be girl-heaven for me. But I digress. One night a gorgeous feller came in, and later in the night we got talking. He was a foreign exchange student from . . . one of the colonies, I think? He had a beautiful toned athletic body, with curly tousled blond hair and a great personality. He dressed casually but I could see by the way he comported himself that he'd thought about his dress sense and everything he had on probably felt right for him. He'd had an interesting life, but he wasn't a blow-hard as most of the guys were in those days. He'd engaged my interest by being funny. This always attracted me to girls back then.

Okay, look at all those swear words. ;D One or two is fine, but you are telling a lot. With your work highlight all the telling indicators and try and reword with stronger more descriptive words, actions and imagery.

Next break it down. I am going to give your character a name. I feel you go way over the top with your I starts and I do think being in first person you automatically go into tell mode.

I was a night-club bouncer in my early twenties.

Phil puffed out his chest and flicked a stray hair from his Burtons suit. The birds are going to love me tonight. He blew a kiss to his reflection in the ticket booth window.

The manager sauntered over to the nightclub entrance. "Oi, Prince Charming, I'm letting the punters in."

"Yes, Boss." Heat crept up his cheeks.

Okay you need to understand what I have shown there out of one of your sentences. It may not be right to your story or isn't great writing, but I am trying to get you to recognise what info you have told is now shown in this piece.



Offline bri h

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #49 on: February 24, 2013, 09:29:29 AM »
sorry ma. Will look again, I tried making it briefer with fewer words. taking out the "he" and "was's". Obviously didn't manage it. Will try again. x
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline bri h

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #50 on: February 24, 2013, 10:13:10 AM »
Brian's body slumped dejectedly, 'why can't I get this right? They do it easily enough, what's the secret?' He took his hands off the keyboard, fingers starting to cramp.  Skinny chimed in, "what's up? Still getting it wrong?"
She knew how much he wanted to get this right.
"Sorry love, maybe I should take the guitar up again?"
"You'll do no such thing! Anyway, . . .you can't. . . . I've. . . sold your. . . guitars."
"You've What?!"
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline Dawn

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #51 on: February 24, 2013, 10:37:28 AM »
We would like to trial a practice thread over on All the Write Questions board. This will give our members chance to practice the elusive show/tell.

Please bear in mind though, that this will only work if you want it to. Therefore, we need everybody to pull together, and help each other out. Otherwise, the thread will just fall off the board. I'm sure, you can all see how valuable this thread could be to us all.

I would like to set a word count to 150 words max. However, this can be reviewed.

Brian, we would like to use your first paragraph to get the ball rolling. Would this be okay with you?
Time to take it serious and get the job done

Offline bri h

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #52 on: February 24, 2013, 10:41:26 AM »
Oh yes! Yes please. Am in danger of losing the few friends I've made with my constant mistakes so yes. Go ahead.
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline Dawn

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #53 on: February 24, 2013, 10:43:16 AM »
Thank you. :-*
Time to take it serious and get the job done

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #54 on: February 24, 2013, 11:46:33 AM »
Brian, have you ever given this a try?
http://prowritingaid.com/en/Home/Index#.USpDZKLBObs

You can find it and many other sites in our Resource Center:
http://mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=45283.0

Check it out, give it a try. I'm not saying you have to change everything suggested, but you may find what you need to Show you how to improve.
MWC Charity Publications.
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Offline bri h

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #55 on: February 24, 2013, 02:51:00 PM »
Am sure if you're offering it/them to me then they'll be a benefit. Thanks. Will have a quick look while I'm waiting for an answer to what I just posted. Thanks. x
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline Dawn

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #56 on: February 24, 2013, 03:27:41 PM »
It's very good, Brian. The green ticks make it addictive.
Time to take it serious and get the job done

Offline bri h

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #57 on: February 24, 2013, 03:29:51 PM »
have had a go on the other thread. crappin mesel now. Scared o upsettin ma, she's a bugger ain't she. Usually I love a dominant woman, but now am not so sure?  :)
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

hillwalker3000

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #58 on: February 24, 2013, 03:51:39 PM »
Argh!!! Where's Lin when we need someone to slap your legs? You're making hard work of something so simple.

Phil's job as a Night-Club bouncer, puzzled him.
This is obviously telling the reader something - can you see that? You (the writer) are stating a fact that Phil was a bouncer and his job puzzled him. - telling the reader something. The same goes for the rest of the sentence (which should be a separate sentence btw).

Maybe it was the idea of going out with a bouncer or the fact they got in the night-club without paying that made the women make a bee-line for him.

It seemed to be girl-heaven for him.
Another sentence that is telling us something.

He never complained about it
100% telling.

Why cut me nose off to spite my face?
This should be another separate sentence - and it's an awful cliché disguised as an internalised thought. I expect better than this having read some of your earlier stuff.

Can you see a pattern emerging? All you have done so far is feed the reader a series of facts. I can't get my head around Phil's 'puzzlement' because his idea of being puzzled might differ from mine.

What should you be doing? Fist of all, forget you're writing a story because it obviously plays havoc with your brain. Put yourself in Phil's shoes and let him do it for you. Is he thinking 'I'm a bouncer and I'm puzzled'? Probably not. Where is he? What can he see?

Here's one way you can do it. You're still telling us what's happening here and there, but allowing Phil's thoughts and reactions to reveal the story bit by bit - using dialogue where necessary. You're not recording things like an impartial observer perched in the clouds high above. You're much closer to the action - encouraging the reader to associate themselves with Phil or the woman and so better engage with the story.

Saturday night, nine o'clock, Phil tightened the knot on his tie and watched the cars pull up outside 'Phrenzy'.
Some of the girls being dropped off already looked hyper: giggling like schoolgirls, too much make up plastered over their faces and skirts barely covering their arses. He took in several deep breaths. A hen party by the sound of it. He'd need to have his wits about him tonight.
"Evening ladies"
Wow. That blonde piece in the red top was a bit of all right. His heartbeat stepped up a gear as she reached the head of the queue and trapped his arm against her bosom.
"I haven't got me ID with me but I'm over eighteen, honest. I'm all woman. Just look at me."
Breathless and fluttering her eyelashes. He'd seen it all before.
"Sorry, lovey. I'd lose me job."
"Aw, go on. I'll make it worth your while."
He'd heard it all before as well. The sickly scent of strawberry shampoo and too much booze made the decision that bit easier.
"Ok, next?"
"Ooh. Hello handsome. You're a big boy, aren't ya?"
He gave her a lop-sided grin. Was it the tight-fitting leather jacket and splash of 'Blue Stratos' that made him so irresistible or the chance of free entry and a couple of drinks on the house?


I'll not go through the rest of this in detail. Just accept the fact that most of the time here you're still telling us what happened as if you're hovering overhead providing a voice-over - spelling everything out so the reader doesn't have to do anything except sit back and take your word for everything.
The problem is, readers who can't engage with the story won't continue reading it for long.

H3K

Offline bri h

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #59 on: February 24, 2013, 04:08:35 PM »
Sorry phil, the latest revis is in the other thread.

Please don't sick Lin on me! ;D

Wow! just re-read your post. That's brill. Wish I could do it as easily.
« Last Edit: February 24, 2013, 04:13:02 PM by brianh »
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx