Author Topic: Been There Done That. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.#105, 549 words.  (Read 19181 times)

Offline bri h

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #15 on: February 23, 2013, 06:05:22 AM »
great adv guys. So say it without saying it, directly! refer to it rather than explain it? s'that it?
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline Dawn

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #16 on: February 23, 2013, 06:17:55 AM »
Kind of. Show it through the eyes of your character.

Very simply put.

Instead of saying it was raining hard outside. Show what the rain was doing - here think of the 5 senses.

I suppose use your poetic side more.

If a place looks busy instead of saying it looked busy - think what do the people look like? - a sea of umbrellas bobbing in the wind (hints at it raining/windy/blustery day) swimming trunks could hint at a beach - what are they doing? What is the smells in the air? Where are the going? Why are they going?

Anyway I'm waffling now.
Time to take it serious and get the job done

Offline bri h

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #17 on: February 23, 2013, 06:24:30 AM »
went back and put a moddy on a few posts back, sorry I didn't put it here properly. Excuse: only had one coffee, working on that now! ;D

went back and saved the Sensei to me HUGE tips file Dawn. Thanks so much. b
« Last Edit: February 23, 2013, 06:27:27 AM by brianh »
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #18 on: February 23, 2013, 07:28:19 AM »
Brian, Why don't you enrol on a creative writing course?   Our members here are not teachers but in a face to face situation it might help you to allow the penny to drop when you share a workshop with others.  The internet is fine for many things, but cannot replace the body language of a tutor and the students in a classroom.  I really get the impression you will only learn with a teacher, a mentor to guide you on a weekly basis, to show you where you are going wrong.  The members here are very patient, but they aren't teachers and it shouldn't be be their job to do this.  

I would really recommend you attend writing workshops, you learn so much more in a face to face situation.  Hope to see you soon because then you can talk to the authors in York and ask some questions.  Find out what it's like in the real world of writers and authors, such a valuable experience.  

Good luck

Lin
« Last Edit: February 23, 2013, 12:29:58 PM by Lin Treadgold »

Offline bri h

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #19 on: February 23, 2013, 08:15:40 AM »
Thank you. bri.
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #20 on: February 23, 2013, 09:05:27 AM »
Did you notice in Phil's first tweak that 'I felt' was removed from the kiss/tongue sentence and it went straight into the action of the exploration and probing . . . little things like that will elevate/rescue a piece from tell to show. ;)

We kissed like this for about 10 seconds, then I felt the tip of his tongue exploring, probing the outside of my lips. At first I was shocked, I wasn't expecting things to go this far.

The kiss made ten seconds stretch like elastic - the tip of his tongue exploring and probing the outside of my lips as if searching for something I didn't even know existed. I held my breath. Waiting for the room to swallow me up yet desperate not to break the spell. It was as if I had discovered a new continent outside my front door - not part of my plans for the night.

Whenever you are using your senses to engage your reader [always good] don't mention the taste/smell/sight/sound directly. It eliminates redundancies and makes more impact. Very basic examples below:
I heard the sound of footsteps crunch on the gravel. ->>>> Footsteps crunched the gravel. [How do you know . . . you heard them, the crunchng sound/noise if the giveaway to the sense being used]
The taste of vanilla lingered on my lips after I kissed her. ->>> After I kissed her, vanilla [flavour maybe] lingered on my lips. [what else is going to longer on your lips in this situation other than a taste?]
I saw blue skies up above us. ->>> Blue skies stretched above us. [how do you know where the blue skies were . . .  you must have seen them]
A fragrant smell of baked bread wafted on the air. ->>> The baked bread fragrance/aroma wafted on the air. [fragrance/aroma suggests smell is being used for this experience]
I felt cold and shivered. ->>>> Cold made me shiver.   
« Last Edit: February 23, 2013, 09:34:55 AM by 510bhan »

Offline bri h

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #21 on: February 23, 2013, 12:19:08 PM »
Did you notice in Phil's first tweak that 'I felt' was removed from the kiss/tongue sentence and it went straight into the action of the exploration and probing . . . little things like that will elevate/rescue a piece from tell to show. ;)

We kissed like this for about 10 seconds, then I felt the tip of his tongue exploring, probing the outside of my lips. At first I was shocked, I wasn't expecting things to go this far.

The kiss made ten seconds stretch like elastic - the tip of his tongue exploring and probing the outside of my lips as if searching for something I didn't even know existed. I held my breath. Waiting for the room to swallow me up yet desperate not to break the spell. It was as if I had discovered a new continent outside my front door - not part of my plans for the night.

Whenever you are using your senses to engage your reader [always good] don't mention the taste/smell/sight/sound directly. It eliminates redundancies and makes more impact. Very basic examples below:
I heard the sound of footsteps crunch on the gravel. ->>>> Footsteps crunched the gravel. [How do you know . . . you heard them, the crunchng sound/noise if the giveaway to the sense being used]
The taste of vanilla lingered on my lips after I kissed her. ->>> After I kissed her, vanilla [flavour maybe] lingered on my lips. [what else is going to longer on your lips in this situation other than a taste?]
I saw blue skies up above us. ->>> Blue skies stretched above us. [how do you know where the blue skies were . . .  you must have seen them]
A fragrant smell of baked bread wafted on the air. ->>> The baked bread fragrance/aroma wafted on the air. [fragrance/aroma suggests smell is being used for this experience]
I felt cold and shivered. ->>>> Cold made me shiver.   

Yes, yes. This is good I can see this now. Thanks shvon, it's kinda like I said, seeing it without directly saying it. inferring it. Being descriptive but writing it/them better. Thanks shvon. x
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #22 on: February 23, 2013, 01:05:27 PM »
It's like in real life, unless you are being given a command or order, you wouldn't 'tell' someone where to stand . . .  you'd nod to where perhaps others had already gathered, point to a sign, take them by the arm and escort them while you chat . . . lots of different ways of getting them there to the right place without saying "Join those other three by the yellow wall on the right" sort of thing. :-[

Does that make any sense? :-\

Offline ma100

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #23 on: February 23, 2013, 02:26:23 PM »
Okay,  an exercise Brian that might help you.

Look at all these words and pretend they are swear words and not to use them in public. However, an odd one slips through. ;)

Telling indicators: Was, were, had, there, it, lys, have been.

Your first para.

I was a Night-Club bouncer in my early twenties. I had women falling for me regularly. This isn't a boast. I think the idea of going out with a bouncer may have been the main attraction, or they got in the Night-club without paying. Either way, it seemed to be girl-heaven for me. But I digress. One night a gorgeous feller came in, and later in the night we got talking. He was a foreign exchange student from . . . one of the colonies, I think? He had a beautiful toned athletic body, with curly tousled blond hair and a great personality. He dressed casually but I could see by the way he comported himself that he'd thought about his dress sense and everything he had on probably felt right for him. He'd had an interesting life, but he wasn't a blow-hard as most of the guys were in those days. He'd engaged my interest by being funny. This always attracted me to girls back then.

Okay, look at all those swear words. ;D One or two is fine, but you are telling a lot. With your work highlight all the telling indicators and try and reword with stronger more descriptive words, actions and imagery.

Next break it down. I am going to give your character a name. I feel you go way over the top with your I starts and I do think being in first person you automatically go into tell mode.

I was a night-club bouncer in my early twenties.

Phil puffed out his chest and flicked a stray hair from his Burtons suit. The birds are going to love me tonight. He blew a kiss to his reflection in the ticket booth window.

The manager sauntered over to the nightclub entrance. "Oi, Prince Charming, I'm letting the punters in."

"Yes, Boss." Heat crept up his cheeks.

Okay you need to understand what I have shown there out of one of your sentences. It may not be right to your story or isn't great writing, but I am trying to get you to recognise what info you have told is now shown in this piece.


Offline bri h

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #24 on: February 23, 2013, 05:33:10 PM »
just a quickie ansa. Can see what yous both mean. Will wait for an empty room before I have a go (so I can concentrate) Skinny's half way thru a bottle of wine so, not long i think! ha ha Thanks for the tips. As Lin has already said, I'm using you as my teachers. It's not sitting right with me, leaves me feeling guilty. I do appreciate you's helping me. But as long as you're interested, I'm interested.  xx
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline ma100

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #25 on: February 23, 2013, 05:37:41 PM »
Brian, look carefully at my quick rewrite and list how many of the facts you have told in your paragraph are shown in it. ;)

Offline DistantSun

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #26 on: February 23, 2013, 05:58:42 PM »
Bri - I'm in the same boat as you, struggling with trying to absorb the concept of show-vs-tell, so I'm just tagging along and soaking up some of this advice our knowledgable friends are kind enough to share :D
It's good to laugh at yourself once in a while - why let everyone else have all the fun!
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Offline Sasquatch

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #27 on: February 23, 2013, 06:02:59 PM »
Yep, same here. I think we all are trying to wrap our heads around this. I was encouraged earlier today, after reading a few chapters in a really popular book, Snow Falling on Cedars. It's a critically acclaimed work, but has the exact same kinds of issues riddled throughout. Of course, the plot is masterful, the characters interesting, and the setting very well done, but a ton of was/were, lots of authorial intrusion. So take heart!

I think the standard is very high around here, as it should be, but it can feel defeating to beginners.

Offline ma100

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #28 on: February 23, 2013, 06:11:25 PM »
No, no, you must not be defeated by my comments. What you must do though is get your head round the concept. The penny will drop if you break your writing down and see exactly what you need to change. :-*

Offline DistantSun

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #29 on: February 23, 2013, 06:12:55 PM »
Yep, same here. I think we all are trying to wrap our heads around this. I was encouraged earlier today, after reading a few chapters in a really popular book, Snow Falling on Cedars. It's a critically acclaimed work, but has the exact same kinds of issues riddled throughout. Of course, the plot is masterful, the characters interesting, and the setting very well done, but a ton of was/were, lots of authorial intrusion. So take heart!

I think the standard is very high around here, as it should be, but it can feel defeating to beginners.

That's on my shelf behind me - picked it up for a quarter at a yard sale last year. Very intense read. I do agree though about 'examining' the writing that I read, as I'm reading it.
It's good to laugh at yourself once in a while - why let everyone else have all the fun!
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