Author Topic: Been There Done That. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.#105, 549 words.  (Read 19206 times)

Offline bri h

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Re: Been There Done That. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.#15, 428 words
« Reply #105 on: February 28, 2013, 01:37:01 PM »
Yes. I understand what you actually did. It's just all that stuff about the car park underneath the night club which doesn't really add anything except confusion to the scenario.

H3K

PS - Mine's a SOCO rather than vodka if you're buying ;D

Bit of a tall order. But I'll see Bones, am sure he can accomodate ya! Although what you're going to do wit a Scenes Of Crimes Officer is your business and yours only!  ;D ;D

Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline bri h

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Re: Been There Done That. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.#15, 428 words
« Reply #106 on: February 28, 2013, 08:04:56 PM »
It's not easy being a Night-Club bouncer. It's not that glamorous either.
But in my early twenties everything seemed easy, including the lasses. Women threw themselves at me, and I put up no resistance. I'm not naive enough to think I was irresistible. I think it could've possibly been the free admission to the club that might have been part of the attraction. Who am I kidding? It was probably the only attraction.

Monday nights were Stripper-and-Stag-Nights, Most of the people who came to those shows were usually all in by eight pm. As the last few slightly-worse-for-wear patrons staggered in, I heard a screech of tyres coming from underneath the club. There's a rabbit-warren of lanes down below in the old car park, and we'd get the odd visit from the local boy-racers, throwing Dads car about as if they were on some imaginary race-circuit, but having to get home by nine pm curfew, ready for school or college in the morning. This is what I thought the noise appeared to be.

I felt duty-bound to go and take a look but as I was about to leave, muttering under my breath,
 why-do-we-get-all-the-shitty-jobs? a bright yellow Ford Capri emerged from the shadows and chugged by the door at the bottom of the stairs, cruising slowly by, swung round and parked a few bays away from the entrance. It had a sound all of its own. More like a vibration than a sound. The kind of noise you 'feel' before you hear. A young feller nonchalantly got out of the car, leaning, with one arm draped over the hood as he reached down and locked it. It ticked as it started to cool. He looked about him, like he was checking things out, almost drinking in the sights and sounds as if he'd never seen them before. The Town-Hall Clock in the distance, brightly lit-up and shining in the cool clear night sky. The environs of the club, looming in the shadows above his head, the hamburger stand in the little street opposite the club, its tantalising smells making my mouth water already.
Roll on breaktime, burger,onions and lashings of tommy sauce!. He finished the inspection of his surroundings and started walking towards me. He had an air about him that didn't seem like swagger, but something else? Something I couldn't quite put my finger on? Then I had it. He was gorgeous! I remember thinking. Gawd! I'm turning gay!

He had a look about him you only ever see on the telly or in the movies. Tanned, chiselled-complexion, nice dresser, and a confidence that seemed to ooze from his pores. All this I observed as He climbed confidently up the short flight of stairs, through the foyer past myself and the other people milling about, paid his money and entered the club. I enjoyed the simple almost voyeristic act of watching him walk. I wish I had a gait like that. I take little steps, like taking little timid bites out of my surroundings. He, on the other hand greedily took huge mouthfuls of the world, taking giant strides.

Is that too descriptive or wordy? I put the dialogue in to try it out. Any good, or not needed here? I need your advice as well. The part where he's describing what he's seeing, the Town Hall Clock bit. Is there a better way to descibe this? I've seen a few posters using "-" a lot to kind of extend a sentence in this way. Would that work do you think? Or is there a better way? I pared in places. Then found other trimmings and additions.  ;D
« Last Edit: March 01, 2013, 08:11:59 AM by brianh »
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

hillwalker3000

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Re: Been There Done That. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.#105, 549 words.
« Reply #107 on: March 01, 2013, 08:28:57 AM »
It's better (as you no doubt know).
A couple of style issues and a wee bit of tightening (use or lose).

This sentence is more than 50 words long and mentions too many unrelated things - the lanes, the boy-racers, the curfew. . . I suggest you break it up and tighten:
There's a rabbit-warren of lanes down below in the old car park. (, and) We'd get the odd visit from the local boy-racers, throwing Dad's car about as if they were on some imaginary race-circuit. (, but having to get home by) But they were usually gone by nine pm curfew, tucked up in their beds ready for school or college in the morning.

Also this is a bit clumsy - This is what I thought the noise appeared to be.
I assumed they were responsible for the racket (?)


Another 55-word sentence follows -
I felt duty-bound . . . and parked a few bays away from the entrance.
- you really need to cut these into bite-size chunks.

Personally I would get rid of the underlined bit that follows. You're dragging the reader's focus away from this intriguing character and almost intruding on the scene for a cheap aside:
the hamburger stand in the little street opposite the club, its tantalising smells making my mouth water already.
Roll on breaktime, burger,onions and lashings of tommy sauce!.

Does the reader need to know any of this?

He had an air about him that didn't seem like swagger, but something else. (?) Something I couldn't quite put my finger on. (?)

Not sure why you're telling us you observed all this :
All this I observed as He climbed confidently up the short flight of stairs, through the foyer past myself me and the others in the foyer people milling about, paid his money and entered the club.
- if you hadn't observed it how could you be describing it?

Hope this helps.

Dialogue? I didn't see any (unless you mean the internalised dialogue - some which works, some which doesn't).

SOCO? - Southern Comfort, ye heathen!

H3K

Offline bri h

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Re: Been There Done That. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.#105, 549 words.
« Reply #108 on: March 01, 2013, 08:34:16 AM »
Jaegermeister, ya bad-editor! ;D
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline bri h

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Re: Been There Done That. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.#105, 549 words.
« Reply #109 on: March 01, 2013, 08:39:51 AM »
Yeah, I see what you mean Phil. I didn't like the "This is what I thought the noise was," any more than you. Yerrrrrrrrroutttt! laf. I also like the fact that something seems to have clicked in my head now and I internalise the 'do' of it then put it down on the screen a bit more easily. Have you sent some form of knowledge-virus to my pc or summat?  ;D

I'm finding my own editing has changed a bit for the better as well. I see things a bit clearer. In no small way, thanks to you. Did you like the invite-verse?  ;D Cheers, Bri.
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline bob68

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Re: Been There Done That. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.#105, 549 words.
« Reply #110 on: March 02, 2013, 06:51:13 PM »
I like this Bri. I see the corrections you made along the way and its much tighter. Your stuff is getting better each time. This has the makings of a good story no doubt. 

Offline bri h

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Re: Been There Done That. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.#105, 549 words.
« Reply #111 on: March 02, 2013, 06:54:34 PM »
Did you read the first one bob? I did something different! (each to their own tastes and all that! laf)
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx