Author Topic: Been There Done That. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.#105, 549 words.  (Read 19182 times)

Offline bri h

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This is a work of fiction based on a fact. The conversation did take place, however the kiss did not. I just wanted to create something new for a change and Gyp's answer to a post reminded me of a chat I'd had with a lovely gay man I had back in the 70's. So i did this and posted it in the Bar. i felt that because I wanted it critted, The bar wasn't the place to put it, so I took it out and created more here. Thanks, Bri.

Been There, Done That

I was a Night-Club bouncer in my early twenties. I had women falling for me regularly. This isn't a boast. I think the idea of going out with a bouncer may have been the main attraction, or they got in the Night-club without paying. Either way, it seemed to be girl-heaven for me. But I digress. One night a gorgeous feller came in, and later in the night we got talking. He was a foreign exchange student from . . . one of the colonies, I think? He had a beautiful toned athletic body, with curly tousled blond hair and a great personality. He dressed casually but I could see by the way he comported himself that he'd thought about his dress sense and everything he had on probably felt right for him. He'd had an interesting life, but he wasn't a blow-hard as most of the guys were in those days. He'd engaged my interest by being funny. This always attracted me to girls back then.

Not for me the blonde bombshell with the big boobies or the nice backside. It always had to be about the humour or just a good personality and the ability to talk. Hell, it still did.

I could tell from his mannerisms and his affect that he was probably gay. The longing looks, sipping his drink rather than gulping it down like a drowning man trying to swallow an ocean. Checking out the fellers as they passed. An arched eyebrow delivering an internal verdict. So I asked him? In those days of finding out things about life and different tastes, I was curious about everything. But never judgemental. I felt pretty sure of his answer anyway.
As the night wore on we were chatting every time I passed by on my rounds in the club. On my break I sat with him in one of the dark cubicles, screened off from the rest of the patrons. It amazed me sometimes the goings-on in those cubicles, All the Bouncers had to break couples apart at odd times in the night, and turn a hose on some of them, the inter-action was that hot. I knew we had privacy of a sort for at most ten minutes before another Bouncer would get suspicious. So feeling adventurous, I asked him, and he confirmed my suspicions. I floored him when i then asked if I could kiss him, just in the interests of curiosity? I felt this was my life and I'd do what I damn well pleased. I could see him weighing up the question. The confusion he felt must have been tremendous, it seemed that way as his eyes darted to the entrance of the booth as if expecting to see the rest of the guys standing there ready to pounce on him, or maybe just to see if he could get out quickly, if he needed to. Was I joking maybe, so if he said yes he'd be thrown out of the club? Or worse?

I must admit, it was different, but he kissed brilliantly. He wasn't a "bugler" I'm sure girls know what I mean by this? He was just as nervous as me, but for different reasons. He may have thought I was winding him up? Setting himself up for a kicking! It did happen in those days. The kicking, not the experimental-kissing. So I suspected why he felt nervous. We were sitting opposite each other in the booth, but leaning over, as we slowly closed the gap between us. He looked at me as if it could be a challenge, but still inching ever closer. The tension felt palpable now, but I enjoyed the whole thing so there'd be no way I'd back down now. Finally, our lips met.
At first just a tentative gentle whisper of a touch. Then more firmly.

We kissed like this for about 10 seconds, then I felt the tip of his tongue exploring, probing the outside of my lips. At first I was shocked, I wasn't expecting things to go this far. I thought we'd embarrassedly pull away, laughing and have another drink. Thinking to myself, "in for a penny" and throwing any hesitation out the door, I parted my lips to let his tongue enter my mouth. It slid gently inside, I still had my lips pursed as if about to whistle, but gradually as I gained more confidence I parted them fully. His tongue tasted sweet. A total surprise. It tasted of sweet alcoholic sugar, but with a hint of minty-ness. It did feel funny to me, like kissing your sister or your auntie. Nice, but strange and definately no tongue! I remember feeling amused because he kissed me as if I were his date. He'd laid his palm gently on the side of my cheek, caressing me as we kissed.

His other hand grasped the back of my head pulling me further into his embrace. After about a minute of this, his breathing became very heavy. He'd clearly been turned on. This is the point I realised I wasn't gay, because I didn't! I did close my eyes for the briefest moment, but I never felt the need to lift one leg up like Doris Day when she got kissed by one of the leading men in her movies. To me it simply felt like something I had to do. I did it in my early teens with a girl, who was I to deny Gay people a chance to experience me? But it wasn't to be, I'm afraid. I was strictly a Ladies-Man. I started to kiss girls like this myself later because it felt better that way. So i suppose he did tutor me in his own small way. I never had any complaints when kissing from then on.
 Cheers. Bri.
« Last Edit: February 28, 2013, 08:06:01 PM by brianh »
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline Dawn

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Re: Been There Done That
« Reply #1 on: February 22, 2013, 06:40:37 PM »
Okay, Brian, In order to save you from the deafening silence you may endure, may I advise you take out all the !!!!!!!

respec
Dawn ;)
Time to take it serious and get the job done

Offline bri h

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Re: Been There Done That
« Reply #2 on: February 22, 2013, 06:52:40 PM »
Sorry Dawn, I set myself the goal to do em but forgot in the rush to get it out of the bar before anyone noticed. Doin em now. Thanks chuck. x P.S. What's the weather like on the West side? Snowin here, wasn't even forecast. b
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline 510bhan

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Re: Been There Done That
« Reply #3 on: February 22, 2013, 06:59:12 PM »
It's a recount of a particular meeting and as such is all tell and much of it is passive rather than active. It also comes across as pretty homophobic/defensive in the close.

You've dismissed the thing that attracted the mc to this man in the first place when I feel it could do with more detail . . .  what were the travels? the funny things? his interesting life so far? How did that compare to the bouncer's experience of life?

Also, if this is a period piece -- would 'gay' have been used, wouldn't the man have been referred to as a poof or a queer or a fruit?

So I asked him? [this is a statement not a question]
So feeling adventurous, I asked him if I could kiss him, full-on, just in the interests of curiosity, you understand? [same here]

Also -- did you mean to end your writing with: Cheers. Bri.?

hillwalker3000

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Re: Been There Done That
« Reply #4 on: February 22, 2013, 07:02:11 PM »
Since I don't hang around virtual bars - only real ones - I'm coming to this with no preconceptions:

I was a Night-Club bouncer in my early twenties. I had women falling for me regularly. This isn't a boast. I think it was the idea of going out with a bouncer the main attraction, or they got in the Night-club without paying. Either way, it seemed to be girl-heaven for me! But I digress.

Indeed you do - so why are you wasting our time with this intro?

Unfortunately, I stuck with this and almost 800 words later nothing's happened except you kissed a guy. It seems a long-winded way of describing a furtive attempt at exploring an alternative sexual experience. A bit light-weight to be honest.

H3K

Offline Dawn

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Re: Been There Done That
« Reply #5 on: February 22, 2013, 07:05:03 PM »
I have to agree, Brian. Would you want to read this in a magazine? Delve deeper. Give the reader what they deserve.
Time to take it serious and get the job done

Offline bri h

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #6 on: February 22, 2013, 08:34:46 PM »
hmm? Not the answer I expected. But as always I love your honesty. The reason I didn't use the 'old' words like homo or poof or the like is even though this did happen in the 70's where these words were accepted they wouldn't be accepted now, IMO. So to save any kind of offense I up-graded to the non-offensive word. even though I'm telling a story from back then, people tend to take things out of context and get angry, so I was only covering my own arse, as it were.

I'm trying different ways of saying things or I should say writing things. So am looking about to see if I can develop different voices and concepts. I don't want everything I do to be about the Pit. All of the things I describe here happened. Except the kiss. Am not, nor have I ever been, homophobic. I sometimes prefer my gay friends to straight guys. They have a better sense of humour than anyone I've ever met. I see what you mean re the "asked him" shvon, sorry, its just my lack of techie as usual shining thru. :)  Sorry this disappointed you's guys, but come on! You must be used to this by now! ;D(I see my self-deprecating defense is alive and well) I thought that by describing the setting and the feelings and sensations of the guys it would be a show and not a tell. Or a describing tell, if such a thing can exist?  Failed again. Wonder if I'll ever finally get it?  I put the "cheers Bri" to show it was the end, didn't see any harm. Will put this in my Failure-file and keep going. Like I've said before, I'm gonna engage/entertain you with writing if it kills me! Thanks again guys. (I wanna end with Cheers but I get the feeling I may get me arse smacked off shvon, so I'll refrain in this post.) :)
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline Sasquatch

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Re: Been There Done That
« Reply #7 on: February 22, 2013, 08:53:01 PM »
Brian - you definitely are getting better, that much is evident in your punctuation and how much more coherently your thoughts stay together.

It's a recount of a particular meeting and as such is all tell and much of it is passive rather than active.

This! To "tell" about the thing that happened, you're narrating. From an armchair. I think the light bulb is about to go on, Bri. Really look at the sentence above, that Siobhan posted, and think about it like this: do you really want to tell us what happened? Or, more appropriately, do you want to let the story be the thing that happened, and not step all over it with your "So I suspected why he felt nervous" type of stuff - let the words just be the happening, as it's happening. Does that make any sense?

I am just finally getting this concept myself, and I think what Siobhan says above is spot on. Recounting the event is not as exciting as the event happening and we don't have to experience it through the filter of a narrator. I hope this is helpful.

Keep working at it, man. You've got the urge, you've got the time, and you obviously have the words. :)

Offline bri h

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #8 on: February 22, 2013, 09:03:08 PM »
Hiya Sas, to tell you the truth, for some reason I can't get it right. I'm finding it more difficult than I thought it would be. It just won't sink in! I've looked at the lots of different examples on here(am sure you saw that terrible one I did on Lins?) and still whatever I post comes out as tell. I do get tired of not being able to do it, but I have to keep going, or else I'll have to hire someone to tell the stories I have. Thanks for the tips and trying to help me. I do appreciate it/them. Bri.
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

Offline Dawn

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #9 on: February 23, 2013, 02:22:01 AM »
Why not, take what you have (or a little snippet) and write it as though it was a diary? Create a character, doesn't have to be your self. Basically, write the story as though it all happened it a few days, but say it all through dialogue. I'm not saying this is how your story will end up, but think it will help you understand show/tell more.

Friday - John came in last night . . .

« Last Edit: February 23, 2013, 05:10:45 AM by Dawn »
Time to take it serious and get the job done

hillwalker3000

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #10 on: February 23, 2013, 05:15:26 AM »
You admit to having a problem seeing the difference between telling and showing. It's not the end of the world - but it's holding you back. Your writing has improved (surely you can see that for yourself) - now it's time to move up another gear.

This example is 100% tell:

We kissed like this for about 10 seconds, then I felt the tip of his tongue exploring, probing the outside of my lips. At first I was shocked, I wasn't expecting things to go this far.

You are reporting what happened and what it felt like - then how you felt. You say you were 'shocked'. But I'm no nearer understanding how you really felt because the word 'shocked' can be interpreted several ways. Were you 'good shocked'? 'bad shocked'? 'mildly shocked'? 'earthquakingly shocked'? You're the only one who knows.

Something along these lines might make it clearer to the reader:

The kiss made ten seconds stretch like elastic - the tip of his tongue exploring and probing the outside of my lips as if searching for something I didn't even know existed. I held my breath. Waiting for the room to swallow me up yet desperate not to break the spell. It was as if I had discovered a new continent outside my front door - not part of my plans for the night.

It's no better or worse than your effort but it sheds a little more light on what thoughts might have been going through your head. It shows something that is otherwise hidden behind inadequate choice of words.
Telling is often a short-cut way of painting a picture - using labels. Showing gives more depth and so leaves the reader with a more lasting impression of what you're writing about.

H3K

Offline bri h

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #11 on: February 23, 2013, 05:32:25 AM »
hey phil, thanks for this as always great adv. My trouble seems to be, that not only am I learning but I have to get rid of myriad bad habits that I've picked up over the years that shine badly in my work. Remember how many exclams in one piece? I use quotation marks where theyre not needed, and I put question marks where(as shvon showed last night) theyre inappropriately placed. I get your example, and I will use that as an exercise to try to improve, hope I get it.
so a bit like. . .

He waited outside the theatre, nervously fidgeting with the change in his pockets. Money? check. Comb? check. Condoms, just in case? check. He looked at his reflection in the theatre window behind him. Lookin good, Gawd. I could fancy me myself. Would she show? He hoped she showed, this suit cost a bomb, he'd better get something good to show for it. More than a quick peck on the cheek as well. He wanted...........Is this better?

using both your examples. . . . . He held the tickets tightly in his hand, peering in the soft streetlight at the Title, Les Mis. . .or something. Who the hell is Les? quick look at his reflection in the window behind, hair good? check. Suit, lookin sharp? check. the queue started to form, he held himself back and stood in the shadows of a doorway. One last check over to see if he had everything. Patted left pocket, loose change and tickets. Back pocket, wallet with the big money just in case? Right pocket, condoms. Mustn't lose those. It had been three months, he didn't want any possible conclusions ruined by not having 'protection.' 

Anything better?   
« Last Edit: February 23, 2013, 06:22:29 AM by brianh »
Fare thee well Skip. We're all 'Keening' now. xbx

hillwalker3000

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #12 on: February 23, 2013, 05:44:01 AM »
The italicised parts are certainly more show - but of course we still need to be told where he is.

So you could go for:
The queue outside the theatre hadn't moved an inch for the last ten minutes. Money? check. Comb? check. Condoms, just in case? check. A familiar face stared back at him from the reflection in the theatre window. Lookin good, Gawd. I could fancy me myself. Would she show? He hoped she showed, repetition turned up because this suit cost a bomb.he'd better get something good to show for it. More than a quick peck on the cheek as well.

I've scratched out the last bit because you're almost telling us again what you've already shown us earlier - and you use the word show for the third time. There's no need to spell out everything for the reader - the fact that he has condoms is enough for us to work out how he hopes the evening will end.

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Offline Dawn

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Re: Been There Done That. 1068 words. Gay/Adult Themes. No swearing.
« Reply #13 on: February 23, 2013, 05:46:19 AM »
Much better. Why not have him holding the theatre ticket? So the reader knows where he is, without you spelling it out.
Time to take it serious and get the job done

Offline Dawn

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Time to take it serious and get the job done