Author Topic: Depression  (Read 1276 times)

Offline anonymousteen

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 1
Depression
« on: February 11, 2013, 09:47:28 PM »
This is the first poem I've ever written in my life outside of an English class. I just had a lot on my mind, and actually found this a good way of expressing my thoughts, which I'm not very good at. Thanks for reading.

...............

I donít know why Iíve been feeling so sad.
Was it something you said, that made me mad?
Down in the dumps and there isnít a reason
Iím searching for answers, could it be the season?
In a room full of people I still feel lonely
Day after day, it sinks in slowly.

I need a distraction, a way to escape.
I think Iíll try it, just one little scrape.
Pain and pleasure mixed into one,
I know that itís wrong, but boy was it fun.
The little red trail of blood on my wrist,
Made me feel happy, it made me feel bliss.

Time went by and things got worse,
The cuts on my wrist, they soon dispersed.
To my hips, my stomach, and even my thighs,
So much hurt, and so many lies.
Hundreds of scars so lovely and white,
ďPlease donít worry, I swear Iím alright.Ē

But Iím not all right and Iím growing tired,
To sleep forever is what I desire.
A few ďsleeping pillsĒ taken with a cup of water,
Iím sick of feeling like such a bother.
Thatís it, I canít take it, and Iím finally done,
Dead in the bathroom, depression has won.

Offline Alice, a Country Gal

  • http://www.writestreet.com/writestree
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 31219
  • Hello from Texas
    • Alice's Hide Away
Re: Depression
« Reply #1 on: February 11, 2013, 10:48:01 PM »
Hi anonymousteen, youíll find our members are great at helping one another, but it helps if you read and follow the guidelines first.
Please take the time to visit the Welcome Board and introduce yourself.

Welcome Board:
http://mywriterscircle.com/index.php?board=1.0
Forum Guidelines:
http://www.mywriterscircle.com/index.php?topic=7415.0

Also, you will find Guidelines posted for a number of our boards, especially the prose and poetry boards. They are on the left hand menu when you open the board, generally named something like Read This First and stuck near the top with a Blue Stick Pin.

Please read and follow them.

Thank you,
Alice
Global Moderator

MWC Charity Publications.
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight>
The universe is made of stories, not of atoms. -Muriel Rukeyser, poet and activist (15 Dec 1913-1980)

R. L. Copple's: http://www.rlcopple.com/

I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.
-Mohandas K. Gandhi

Offline eswtg

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 572
Re: Depression
« Reply #2 on: February 12, 2013, 03:51:57 AM »
hello, welcome to the board,

I guess from your poem you are still quite young and I'm sure many can sympathise with such feelings. As far as the poem is concerned I recommend you spend some time reading a few more poems and you'll soon start to appreciate ways of writing that avoid the need for rhyming every line and offer different ways of expressing a whole host of feelings. Generally rhyming every line requires a strict syllable count and also has the effect of adding a jovial air to a poem, something that doesn't quite work if you're trying to convey feelings of depression. Its a good start and I recommend you stick with it but also take the time to read far more of other peoples work, both on this forum and by famed, published poets. Off the top of my head, when it comes to depression and youth I think Sylvia Plath might be a good start, although please don't be tempted to follow her example, this year is the 50th anniversary of her suicide.

Offline StrangeMercy

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 853
Re: Depression
« Reply #3 on: February 12, 2013, 08:52:32 AM »
It's interesting to read a person account of ones feeling, however, sometimes it is hard to feel and understand the emotions the writer intended. I often feel some of these things (I am sure many others do also) but the poem feels jumbled. It could do without the rhyme too. It doesn't work here because it makes it read la de da, obviously I am I aware that is not how you intended it to read. As eswtg said - read, read, read. Here is a good place to start. The stickies above the board can help too.

Strange
« Last Edit: February 12, 2013, 03:56:28 PM by StrangeMercy »
''My tops off - I'm a goose pimpled god! I'll quiver the jellies of every heavy and every bully that I might cross''

Online Vienna

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 7405
Re: Depression
« Reply #4 on: February 12, 2013, 12:22:01 PM »
I meant the poem, very sorry if i offended anyone and sorry to anonymousteen. My brother will be 66 this year and has suffered real deep depression for 40 years, for long periods not even being able to work,  so I know how people suffer.  
« Last Edit: February 12, 2013, 01:03:19 PM by Vienna »
Just a well-read punk peasant

Going to church makes you a christian as much as standing in a garage makes you a car!

Offline ma100

  • Esteemed Contributor
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 30526
  • I don't need kinky boots, nothing will beat me.
Re: Depression
« Reply #5 on: February 12, 2013, 12:50:53 PM »
 Vienna was quick to apologise and remove his post, without any mod intervention, so I think this thread is now back on track.

Sorry Annony, I know zilch about poetry.

Offline eswtg

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 572
Re: Depression
« Reply #6 on: February 12, 2013, 03:41:16 PM »
No worries, I've removed my comments also. No harm meant, no harm done..... Ever onwards

Offline tjm024

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 165
Re: Depression
« Reply #7 on: February 12, 2013, 04:16:44 PM »
Hello anon, I kind of get where you are going here, I know that cutting is a form of depression as well as self-mutilation, with that being said just work more on your focus, other than that, for a first time, I think it has decent expression, keep writing. :)