Okay, I'm new to this. Forgive me if my review is utter poop.
I think this is brilliant. I admit the pacing is slower than what I'm used to and I initially thought the dialogue was strange, but I also wasn't reading it with the right context. Once I realized it's a UK comedy (I'm American), the rhythms settled in and I started enjoying it. I love the three main characters. Maybe it was your intention, maybe it wasn't but I thought making Hugo and Malcom stark opposites of each other (with Nathan as the straight man) is genius. The opportunities for really engaging conversations are endless as they each play different aspects of the male persona: Hugo (posh, wanna-be upper-class, elitist?), Nathan (middle-man, snarky), and Malcom (shameless degenerate). Their dialogue could benefit from more playful conflict, but it was still very funny.
CritiquesMalcomWe first see him on page 3. I think this scene should be replaced by the one where he's buying DVDs. As much as I liked the visual and the silly joke at the end of page 4 about his mum, I feel the DVD scene works better as an intro as his character is much more displayed. A lot of what you need to know about Malcom is summed up in this very short scene.
This change would affect the continuity though. He would have to be on his way home and meet the Chinese man along the way. His comment about Iron Lady/Iron Man could be contrued as ambiguously sexual. And it would interrupt the logic of their transition to the warehouse. The idea of him bringing DVDs from home to a "sarge" would be ridiculous, but it
could set-up a joke. Maybe he thinks it'll help him get laid, like he's preparing for a scenario in which a girl will inevitably ask him to come to her place, but he's afraid he won't seal the deal without his "secret move". Maybe it's happened to him too many times before for this to be a ridiculous idea (I read him as an older character for some reason). This would also mess up the pool gag, but it wasn't that strong to begin with. Sorry! I feel like I'm breaking the whole thing apart!
Regardless, I feel his intro could've been better. His shamelessness is what makes him interesting to me, so I suppose that's why.
StoryWe open with Nathan and Hugo (clearly main characters) on their way home. Plot points are laid out to set-up Emma's scene, but she didn't seem important to the story until later when Nathan is texting her. I think it should be said quite clearly from the beginning that this is an issue Nathan wants to resolve. It gives the audience something to identify with. Then we're introduced to Malcom, another leading character, but it didn't feel like he was important either. His intro wasn't as strong as Joe's and Joe seemed like a character designed for brief cameos and throw-away gags. I really liked Joe. He reminds me of Dale from "King of The Hill" and one of my own "crazy old man" characters, but he overshadowed Malcom. Then we get a glimpse into their differing lifestyles and the three main characters begin conversing. Fun time!
At around page 7, I remember feeling uncertain of the direction of the story. Addressing the reasons I listed in the previous paragraph could remedy this. The story didn't gain traction for me until Hugo put on the white suit. Putting on something so drastic despite his timid personality was immediately interesting. The timing felt a bit off though. If I were writing it, I would've have taken HUGO'S ROOM and put it after Nathan texting Emma, looking at his 'stache and Malcom with the homemade punching-bag. Then Nathan and Malcom would be having the conversation about Movember, only to be interrupted by Hugo's loud outfit.
Emma and Vanessa's scene couldn't have come at a better time. Hugo started moving the story along and then BAM, new characters with fantastic chemistry. I was really hoping to see more of them. Emma and Vanessa being at the club later was a huge and welcomed surprise considering that it wasn't hinted at all in this scene. I'm not sure if it would make the story better to hint at the possibility of their arcs crossing, but it's something I prefer to see. It would replace the surprise with tension, but it would also give the story a more pronounced direction. And it would give you an excuse to write another scene for them.
I don't even have to say anything about Wooly Jazz. He was awesome. His character added so much to the story without stealing any of the spotlight. The 6 pages between his intro and Emma's reveal was so enjoyable, I was surprised by how quickly I reached the end. And yeah, his ending was perfect. Also Josh was a nice touch and Vanessa's interaction with him was great. Nathan missing Josh with his punch was epic!
ConclusionThe only other scripts I've read are from my favorite TV shows so I wasn't sure what to expect, but I really enjoyed this draft. I'm not sure what else to say. I hope my review is at least somewhat useful.
